Friday, December 30, 2005

PLaygrounds and Funerals

an entry about something I like and something I hate

I was driving today to drop off T at my ex's (I had an enjoyable morning playing Dragons and Princesses and the like in a park playground and anyone watching would have had a hard time finding the adult in the crowd – lol) I love playgrounds and was all over the equipment as much as the 5 year old and other kids :-D Tire swings, wooden draw bridges that bounce and all sorts of slides – ooooooooo I drool... yes I like to play – hehe

Anyhoo – as I was driving - I passed an Episcopal church. There were three bagpipers out front playing bagpipes and as I passed I realized from the hearse and other cues, it was a funeral. And that got me to thinking about that particular event.

Actually been thinking about death and similar subjects for a bit – Thanks to a sister and her actions of late, a whole bunch of nightmares and very depressing dreams of late and throw in the fact I tend to get into a very blue funk this time of year anyways ( long story regarding that - perhaps another time).

But I revisiting my thoughts on funerals as I drove by. I personally believe funerals have nothing directly to do with or benefit the deceased, they are merely activities for the living. I know there is the honor their memory and pay tribute aspect – but what the hoo does the deceased care about those ideals?

These things end up being a combination of a few things – people who need the time to reflect about the deceased (but why gather everyone in a somber setting where most people feel uncomfortable, nervous, worry about what they are wearing, doing or saying as much as thinking about the deceased anyway and spend a ton of money on the event to do that when there are lots of other ways to think about the person who is gone?).

Or perhaps it is to show how much of an impact the person had (so if 50 people go to person A's funeral and 5 to person B does that mean person A made more of an impact, was better loved, was… what does it really mean??)

I really don’t like funerals (not saying anyone except Harold and Maude do… but). I really try to go out of my way not to go (I am anti-Harold and Maude if you will).

So much of the time funerals end up being a... well weird, uncomfortable and maybe even for many there would have been a lot of ways the time could have been better used/spent. (Go volunteer for the time and donate the money to a charity for instance). From the money and time spent planning the whole shebang, to usurping a person's time worrying about where to bury who and is it politically correct to put them on the left side of this person or on the right or fighting over what crappy color to buy the coffin in or I want him to wear this but my sibling wants him buried in that……

So I am the one who will volunteer to watch the kids or keep the office running or something else instead of attending a funeral. I only go to funerals for the living and to honor them and support them. And usually I really do not know those people – a lot of the funerals people end up at are painful either because you know the deceased intimately and are reminded each time someone says "I am sorry for your loss" that shit they are gone. Or painful because you do not really know the person (it was a friend of the family or your partner or someone at work or such) and you feel awkward and try to figure out what to say and end up saying I am sorry for your loss and peace and blessings and such...

I mean when I have attended these things in the past what happens… I end up getting dressed in uncomfortable clothes, sitting or standing or such through a ceremony, shake a hand and hug people having little idea what to say and feeling uncomfortable with most of what ends up coming out of my mouth being trite and something to pass the moment and then what happens…

I feel really morose and bad as I spend the entire ceremony not thinking (in most cases) about the deceased but about the people I know who are dead and then I get upset as I miss them and I am thinking about them and well, I have no problem crying at funerals – in fact that is another reason I avoid funerals. I tend to get very emotional (yes I can cry at a dog food commercial given the right time of the month and such - LOL) But, I do not like getting emotional in front of people. Yes I know it is expected at these events (that people are upset and emotional) and people understand but still….

Wakes are a little more I think what I believe in. In terms of what I want for my funeral – well I do not care and would rather not waste the money and time on one… but again a funeral, IMO is not what I want – I am outta there, it is about what those left want. So I guess I'd make sure there is some money around so people can do something if they want but if they just had me cremated and scattered the ashes somewhere that'd be ok. I'd prefer not to have a plot or a hole in a wall or whatever but again sometimes people who are still living need those things.

On the flip side, I do realize funerals and death mean a lot of things for a lot of people and people work through certain topics in a lot of different ways. So I would never ever think anything but good things if I was on the receiving line and someone came to the funeral – I know how hard it is for me to show so I would respect that they came and appreciate that they showed – I would also appreciate and respect just as much those who did not come… which again goes back to my view of the thing….

I have been through a few funerals, on both sides (being part of the funeral so to speak and just attending). My mother is gone as is my mother-in-law, grandmother, father-in-law (my father too but he is a scumbag and the person I to this day hate the most and well the old saying piss on a grave would be too good for him – again another very long story) – but I do try to stay away.

For instance, I really would not have attended my father-n-law's funeral – he really was not into the death thing either. But oh the scandal on my ex's family side if I had not shown. Seriously, the wife of another sibling did not show as well as their kids and fuck they still bring that up and talk about it (funny the brother of father-in-law dies a few months later and she ended up going – I did not…) and well there's an example of one of the reasons why I hate these things – and to top that off – he almost was not allowed to be buried with other family because of the fact he had divorced my ex's mother and the church frowns on that and they (they being the father-in-law and his wife) had to get these documents and such and still almost was not allowed to be buried with his family – how messed up is that???? Anyways……..

So if I do go to a funeral it is not, to be honest, going to be because I thought highly and want to honor the deceased, it is because I think highly and care for the ones still living.

Funny, for me this act/part of death seems more to me to be about the living than the dead…

I think I'd rather spend time playing in the park....

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Fun times

Hey sisters - remember this trip? http://home.comcast.net/~docwho2000/index.htm Can not wait to go somewhere and have some more fun (just a couple of weeks) - will post pictures of crazy adventures - I promise :)

End of work week and Furbies in the aisles of Wal-Mart

Wow – made it through the work week – I actually still have projects to complete and will end up being busy next week (on the plus side I was asked by a national organization to be on a committee to redo their curriculum – that's cool that they want to have me help…) – luckily only three days of work and only about 20 people in the whole building (only 12 month staff have to come in next week and then a number of them take off). Plus the tech department is taking the server down much of the week for upgrades – so – even though easy week it will still have lots of cleaning projects (and lots of office chair relays down the empty halls – wheeeeeeeeeeeeee)

But then I have from the 30th through Jan. 9 off – I took a long vacation. Still working on what exactly to do during that vacation…. Better be something fun and more than hanging around cleaning and maybe painting or such – blech who needs work and home improvement when there is fun to be had, I just know it is out there… it is calling someone else's name but eh I will figure out a way to get into the corner and at least watch – that's what I do well.

I got a Furby for daughter and I must have looked like a dork getting it – here I am standing in Walmart last night going through the place (which looked like a tornado hit – I mean there were feminine products and other eww yucky things in the toy section someone had just stuffed there – niceeeeeeeeeeeee) but anyhoo I found the last handful of Furbies and I am standing in the aisle punching these things in the stomach and listening to the question and then trying to respond to make sure they are working.

So I am holding this bastard child looking doll of a Gremlin, ET and lord knows what other unholy union and shouting YES! Like a million times. See you talk to it and it is supposed to react to what you say. And in demo mode the question it asks is if you want to be its friend. If you answer no then you scar the damn thing for life and it gets sad and cries and all this stuff and that is all I need to give my 5 year old for Christmas is an emotionally scarred toy… scarring for life is something for her future partner down the road to handle…..

So I keep saying yes, but the damn thing does nothing. So then I try louder and louder and suddenly I am sounding like the Herbal Essences commercial (the ads where the women sound like Sally from "When Harry met Sally" reenacting the climax scene – YES! YES! YES!)

So picture if you will a grown (but short) woman in the toy aisle punching this butt-ugly hairy doll in the stomach and shouting yes. Then doing it again and then picking up another toy and doing it again – I swear I am lucky I was not hauled off for fondling the Furby (Oh man that sounds like a porn flick title or something – shudders and shivers and bad, bad mental image right now…)

Talk about mental images and bad places… I should come out to my friend (I have like three friends here in NJ total so would not be a lot of work to do but I really keep my personal choices to myself in that area).

So now the one person inviting my daughter and I to Xmas dinner so I am not alone (well at least not alone for the span of dinner – I have been realizing this week what alone means and well my thoughts on that should fill another blog – anyhoo). She invites me and then starts telling me about her co-worker she invited who is also going through a messy separation and is alone and all this stuff – I am like – GREAT I have one friend here in NJ, she invites me for dinner and then is trying to fix me up, but with the member of the wrong sex… I think I am going back to Walmart to play with the Furbies…..

Oh well life's a melding box of intersecting pathways and I shall see where mine goes… speaking of which still trying to decide what escapist thing to do for my vacation – need to do something – need - a change and to explore – just still not fixed on what (especially since it looks like it will be just me traveling and I know that is not really safe)– I think I'll do my really long walk tomorrow on the boardwalk – perhaps that will help clarify things – or at least in the cold give me a runny nose - lol

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

This and that

I have been messing around with MySpace - I need to get the software used to program different blogging programs - and no I am not talking about the HTML stuff - I need to learn a bit more about the blogging software that actually creates the environment as a lot of busimesses now create their own intrablog system. I also need to learn more of the programming code and such used for fax machine and cellphone interaction with the web - would be good to know for the different classes here at the school (the computer tech, business tech, graphic art and marketing career classes all touch on these subjects somewhat) plus I am curious about how to program things for those items.

I really need to stop being so absent minded - I found I had put my bag of tortilla chips in the fridge instead of the cupboard as well as a few other very spacy and dorky activities I have caught myself doing :0D

Work was incredibly busy - I thought the week before xmas break was supposed to be easy - everyone keeps coming up with projects - today i was teaching students Publisher and Powerpoint, collected all of the individual student files into one powerpoint to be shown later. Then I taught a teacher how to create PowerPoint, another teacher I had a web design style, another teacher we worked on using a Hallmark program and digital images. Then another class came in using Publisher.

I also am working on some reports. I am the director of a ton of programs (I do about 1001 things at this school), but for one of the programs (NAF) we are having a major meeting and I need to make a very important presentation - basically the future of the program and I have to be like forceful and a director and I am not a great assertive person so my stomach is doing butterflies already and the meeting is not until Thursday - I am going to die.... well not really I just get sooo nervous...

Looking for something to do to keep my mind off certain subjects - maybe I can find some live music somewhere or something - reorganize my CDS or some other task....

Sunday, December 18, 2005

ups downs smiles frowns

Well coloring can be a very chimerical as well as soothing and tranquil activity. Of course putting together the spongebob color it yourself pineapple house which tells you to insert tab a into tab b and you spend 2 hours trying that only to finally figure out it should be tab c into tab 5 undoes the calm you had collected - but hey I like coloring ;-D

Well did my long walk yesterday albeit in a different place (walking around the neighborhoods adjacent to my car place as I waited for an oil change and for them to check it as I had run something over - luckily it only needed an alignment - I managed to get out of there with a few bucks still in my pocket).

But as I was walking I was listening to Madonna's new CD and thinking - the song (lyrics below) really swirled my mind. Couple that with my journals I have been rereading, the thoughts I have been thinking and then smother it all with the nightmares and dreams I seem to be experiencing here lately and well….

Dreams I should add that I have been remembering when I wake up, which is freaking the hell out of me as they are not good dreams - not nightmares totally just really depressing topics and things I do not want to think about asleep or awake... Many are memories of growing up or things I am afraid will happen or that are not happening to me…

But the lyrics and the song along with everything else seems to be kicking me into places I am not sure is really good to go but it is happening anyway....

I realized, among other things, while I am not a social butterfly. (I tend not to jump right into conversations or groups, fade to the back, I'm very content to listen, I'll skip social events, parties and such often because I am nervous or scared about interacting) well I also realized I like being around people – I am an introvert who likes extrovert environments - If that makes sense – which it does not but best way I can explain me….

And I think that is where some of my unrest and unhappiness, depression and feeling like I am missing something and wanting to find someone and all of that comes from, well a chunk of it anyways

I have been kinda alone in terms of having someone(s) to hang around with, share stuff with, explore with and all that for the last almost two years (save for that that pesky, wonderful little kid of mine, a sister that refuses to stop being my best friend although she is across the continent and a small handful of friends, 90% who are online meaning I have like two people actually here that I do anything with and one of those is my ex and I do not hang around too much any more as his girlfriend is around more and the other is a 5 year old…. I don’t make friends easily and even at work they are people I see during the work day and that is it…..)

well I need someone – There it is I admit it….

ok some people do the hermit thing very well. Some are individuals and would be peachy 100% of the time with the routine I have - and do not get me wrong – I am not bad off overall.

Also, I am not a needy, needy, clingy person... trust me my ex taught me how to be alone (that sounds nasty but not really meant to be - more bitter I suppose - but I worked days, ex worked nights and well in any given year we were together I could count on two hands with fingers left over the times we came together in any sort of really physical interaction (and that includes cuddling and physical companionship not just the wonderful world of sex).

So really I learned to be independent and can do that - but I just want to have someone to share things with and do things with and my brain is soo damn multitasking all the time I am well, I guess I need someone - not to keep me entertained per se, just someone to share entertainment with to come up with ideas for doing something... shit someone just to sit in a room with and know they are sitting there because you are sitting there and they want to be around you...

Someone to talk to with out being in a crowd or worried about what you are saying or go out to a movie or figure out what the heck to do on a Thursday night or to explore – oh man to explore… cause in this world it is not safe to explore too much alone any more….. So friends, lovers, something in-between I guess my mind/self would like to find someone and the longing and bitching I do stems from that –

Yes I do tend to go on and moan and groan and well crap off and stop reading if it bugs you cause well, cause well eh it is a way to release the feelings and get them out and somehow I think in this big world I am not the only one to feel that way – which for all of you out there HUGS and SORRIES IT IS A BITCH but there are the ups and smiles in with the downs and frowns so hang in there…:^D

But eh, there is someone (so my sister says) who will find me or I will find... However, friends and such are very hard for me to find/make/etc. so we shall see. But here's to hoping and trying to find friends as I know, you gotta be a friend to find a friend – sigh – blech and phooey – ok I'll try to remember I'll be ok no matter what and there are lots of ways to have a nice day so going to look for that friend I know has to be out there – she's out there somewhere…

I will keep a measure of patience and fantasies (Wah-hoo for fantasies of all kinds ;-) lol) to temper my sadness and longing, until then - I'll keep thinking...

Madonna from confessions - a song that is making me think - too much making me think (actually Get Together from same album fits too but will save you from any more lyrics for now)

"Jump"

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

[Chorus]
Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump

We learned our lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

[Chorus]

Are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste

All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own

I can make it alone [repeat]
(my sisters and me)

[Chorus X2]

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The nice things

Thank you nikki - sometimes the little things mean the most - the box came at the right time - you are awesome and a great person - thanks for making my day a lot better :-D

Tracker and Hunter Chapter 3

check story page for other chapters http://mywebpages.comcast.net/jstratton1/storywebsite/index.htm

Chapter 3 of Hunter/Tracker series

Fill of Love

Time: Before the current story time

She'd been staring, no mesmerized, actually maybe leering would be an even better descriptor. Ever since Barbara has removed the injured woman's jacket and blouse leaving her in her bloodied silk bra, Sherri had not wavered or moved from the side of the bed as she gazed down at Jaden.

"Sherri.."

pause

"Sherri!"

longer pause no sound comes from the room

"Hunter!"

The sharp staccato sound of the Guder's voice coupled with her code name drew her attention, somewhat, as she looked over at Barbara.

"I said I need to get a few more items, it looks like the bullet only grazed her shoulder and should only require a few stitches. Can you check her over to make sure she has no other injuries besides the bullet wound and the knot where you hit her," Barbara paused and made a face still not believing Jaden had panicked and decided to knock out an Enforcer's organizer.

"I did not panic, it was the only way to stop her from getting hurt, from her taking me in and blowing everything and besides it was dark…" Sherri almost started a pout.


"I did not say you pan…"

"You were thinking it, I can tell. Your brow scrunches up and your tongue starts to stick out when you think like that."

"It does not," the squad leader retorted even as her brow scrunched up.

Sherri pointed at Barbara's face, "Point to the brunette in the corner. You do too." Smiling suddenly, Sherri acted with out thinking and reached out to trace the scrunched brow.

Surprised and excited by the touch, Barbara felt her brow relax at the smooth stroke and smiled a little glad for once they were actually having a decent conversation. "Now, please check her over and I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

Taking her hand back slowly, surprised at her action, Sherri nodded and watched her captain move out. She treated the red-head to almost as intense stare as she'd gifted Jaden with earlier.

As soon as she was out of the room, Sherri turned and just stared down, "Okay check her out. I can do that." She started looking not moving anything other than her eyes.

"Well she did want her checked out," using that as an excuse, Sherri tentatively reached out and touched Jaden's upper arm. She found the pale skin to be warm to the touch and found it tickled her fingertips. Wanting to lengthen the feeling, Sherri glided her fingers down Jaden's arm and felt the soft, silky surface become bumpy as the red-head's body responded automatically.

Pulling back Sherri was startled to find similar goosebumps had risen on her arm as the simple touch had turned sensual. She wanted to have her body shiver like that again.

"Just checking, but hard to see up here." Sherri again used her own special brand of logic to justify her next action as she bent down, her face almost touching the red-head's bare skin as she breathed in exhilarated at how the overwhelming scent of the agent was intoxicating and arousing.

She flipped on the radio and slide the dial until she heard a song she likfe. As the song, "Fill of Love" filtered through the room, Sherri tried to calm her rising blood pressure.

Using her special logic to try and explain why she was acting like this, there was no reason why she should be interested in this woman, Sherri continued to move her lips, ~No just using my eyes to check for wounds, light is bad in here…~ over the woman's arms and chest. It was totally absurd that just simple touches and smells should be creating a sensation that was slowly spreading from her fingertips towards the center of her being and body. Right?

Only one other person had ever brought Sherri to these heights just from external thoughts, smells and simple stimuli. And that person would never be more than those simple thoughts. ~No I want her, I want her so much and yet she could never… I can't…~

Reaching out needing to just touch anyone to catch herself before falling into that dark place thinking about Barbara, Sherri rubbed her flattened hand over the creamy skin, as she pulled Barbara's face into her mind trying to center herself. Across the silky bra her hand continued to move as the young woman justified her acts saying she was trying to stop from going off crazed again, to not run away as Barbara pointed out she always did.

The hand stopped dead as she felt the nipple suddenly harden under her palm.

She froze not daring to breath or move and thus was thrown off balance emotionally and physically when the woman moaned and arched her back up thrusting against Sherri's hand. Sherri had a brief flash of, 'what the fuck have I gotten myself into' as she took in exactly what she must look like if anyone walked in...

She was leaning over Jaden, her face hovering above the organizer's troubled face. One hand was flattened against a breast, the nipple hard and rough pushing against the silky cloth to provide contrasting sensations against her palm. And to top it off, Jaden's upward motion had started Sherri tipping forward and her other hand had decided it wanted equal breast time and without consulting Sherri's sensible conscious mind, it had shot out to stop her from falling by just happening to rest on Jaden's other breast.

Embarrassed at her actions, Sherri tried to move away and gasped as she looked down to see a hand covering hers not letting her go and in fact pushing her hand deeper against the firm flesh.

Looking up yellow-golden eyes met deep green eyes as the feel of Jaden's silk covered flesh in her hands coupled with the scents and desperate deep need Sherri had to feel fueled her arousal changing her eyes and level of desire.

"Thank you, I don’t understand but you… I like that." Jaden's whisper was very raspy as her eyes flickered around the room trying to focus. The music filling her mind as her body pushed up more against the brunette.

The eyes held Sherri's a moment longer, and the altered human was certain the level of want in those eyes matched her own, then the eyes flickered shut, the grip relaxed and the woman slid back into unconsciousness.

Feeling the burn of desire mix with the heat of shame as her fake logic broke down revealing the real motivation guiding her actions to be simple sexual tension and the fact Sherri found Jaden attractive, the brunette moved back just staring at the woman as Barbara walked back into the room.

She could sense something had happened, "Sher?"

The Hunter looked at Barbara her sight, eyes and body still augmented, still coursing with heat and want. "Why?" She whispered. "Just for once why can't we be allowed to… you and… chances taking too many chances. Well fuck logic…"

She turned away then closing her eyes, working to control her feelings. "She doesn’t have any other injuries." Her voice was emotionless and official. She knew her eyes where back to their haunted blue.

Barbara was overcome with the heavy air in the room and the outburst. "Maybe I should, I just don't know how."

Sherri focused on the bedspread. "A wise teacher once told me anyone can learn. The trick is to finding a teacher,"

"Who is two parts ignorant of the game, two parts charlatan and 110% more patient than Job." Barbara continued.

"Cause a student like you would have made the book of Job a lot shorter." They both finished together.

"I don't think we can…"

Sherri cut her off, "No we haven't been doing very well. Maybe we both need to find a new teacher, something, someone to kick us in the butts… show us a new way up this fucking mountain we made out of the company's molehill."

She left the last part unsaid but they both finished the thought the same way in their minds ~Before we end up falling down the mountain for good.~

"So we both go back to school…"

"Does that scare you Barb?"

"To Hell and back, you?"

"I'm right on your tail." She reached out then and shakily held out her hand, afraid of being denied yet again.

Barbara sat there, the logical side asserting itself, professionalism and being the reserved thinking one, years of telling herself Sherri was something special but not for her, a hundred other excuse all weighing her hand down. Too much to overcome, she started to look away her hands still clasped in her lap.

She felt Sherri's hand, heart and mood dropping in response to her denial when suddenly Organizer Jaden groaned loudly and twisted. Startled both woman shot out a hand to aid and sooth the woman and were startled when their hands collided and were ensnared in Jaden's arm as the injured woman twitched again.

Holding tight to both women and not daring to let go, Sherri smiled and used her other hand to do something Barbara used to do to her, something that made the brunette feel safe when nothing else did. She ran her fingers through Jaden's hair brushing back the damp, sweaty bangs some. "I miss that you know." Sherri said from the corner of her mouth as she watched Jaden settle back against the bed.

"I miss doing it, touching…" Barbara stopped again her deep reserve and the fact that she had stopped letting people touch her both physically and emotionally over the years swimming up and smothering her. "Old habits,"

"Die hard, yeah, yeah yeah but they can die. Just gotta let them go."

"We both have a lot of letting go to do." Barbara replied and squeezed Sher's hand. "Speaking of which I need you to let go so I can sew her up and then you can take her back to her place. They provided an address."

"Business as usual?" Sher said wondering if the small step she thought they had taken had been a goof, fluke, imagination.

"Yes," she replied keeping her tone warm but hard. "But Sherri,"

The brunette looked at Barbara intensely, "I'm willing to be scared, to learn, just help me find a way."

Turning her body, signaling the end for now of this line of thought and discussion, she then started preparing the medical supplies as Sherri was quiet and thoughtful. She absently smoothed the bangs back once more and then moved to help her mentor, and… and maybe someday more, her brain added, able to allow that glimmer of hope for the first time in a long time.

~Just gotta find the right thing to kick us in the butts, to make her and me let go, something to be a teacher. damn when did I get so mature and responsible and thoughtful…~ She paused watching both Jaden and Barbara, ~When I finally woke up and realized I want to feel…~

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

OMG it is one of the signs of the second coming

Just a short note (yes I know people are shaking their heads not sure they read(heard) that right). Trying to keep afloat in the end of the year, semester and everything times. And finding it extremely hard to do that well. So searching for ways to do that properly, successfully and basically without so much hurt and other non-happy thoughts.

Have an office party tomorrow - my boss holds it every year for her department - which I can not attend because I have to attend an all day workshop on bringing AP Science classes to our school - story of my life right now (not that I have a social life anyhoo - lol). Damn I like to write I need to write better chapters for that story... but finished wrapping the pollyanna goft for the party - I went with making a stress relief kit full of wacky stuff. silly stuff and very nonpractical - ironic in that i could probably stand to use the kit myself - ah well

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I admit it – I like NYC

Okay just got back from a bus trip to New York City and call me crazy – I fucking love that place. Some of the people asked on the trip – would you really consider living in the city and yeah, I would. The people, culture, crowds, incredible amount of things to do and see and hear and smell and touch and taste.

If I did not have to worry about certain things…

The trip was good – the bus dropped the group off about 3 hours before the musical. A small group of us walked around loking at Times Square – went to see the tree and all the craziness there – spongebob, Grinch, Scooby Doo, santa, hello kitty and other characters were all walking around – if I had a camera I so would have had my picture taken.

Then we ate at this deli where up stairs this weird person kept falling asleep at this table but in between times when they like zoned out, they would come awake and were counting a lot of money, but the money was hidden on a chair - I could se it form my seat and they had a cell phone texting someone. But they did it all slow and weird and stuff…. Hmm wonder where all that money came from and why they were acting zoned out... :P But the chedder and veggie burger was good and I and this other person were adventerous and dared to by a wrapped unmarked baked good that looked like a homemade version of a fig newton - no one else in the group dared eat it I was like ah well - the bus has a bathroom in it - lmao...

The musical was great - Fiddler on the Roof with Rosie O'Donnell and Harvey Fierstein and I enjoyed the stage arrangement and overall the structure of the Minskoff theater.

I got a cool present for myself – a Seasons of Love Medallion from the musical Rent

It says seasons of love and rent on the front and has in a circle around that the names of four of the songs – on the back are the lyrics to most of the song of Seasons of Love – it is so cool and seasons of Love is just about one of my all time favorite songs. That was a good find – because now when I get lonely or thinking about depressing things or not having someone around – I will try looking at the medallion and thinking that I have a lot of moments and one moment I will find someone.

It looks like travel plans will be for the week after New Years – gotta submit my vacation day form Monday. So going for Jan 2 – 9 – Still looking at Memphis or maybe go to Universal – since no one else can go, eh, we'll see what fortune brings my way…

Monday, December 05, 2005

Phobias and over-reactions

A couple of definitions to begin


phobia
n.
A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.

A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.

Source: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
-------------------------------
-phobia
suff.
An intense, abnormal, or illogical fear of a specified thing: xenophobia.

[Late Latin, from Greek -phobi, from phobos, fear. See bhegw- in Indo-European Roots.]

Source: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
------------------------------------
phobia
n.

A persistent, abnormal, or irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid the feared stimulus.

Source: The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Main Entry: pho·bia
an exaggerated and often disabling fear usually inexplicable to the subject and having sometimes a logical but usually an illogical or symbolic object, class of objects, or situation —compare COMPULSION, OBSESSION

Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.
------------------------------------
phobia

n : an anxiety disorder characterized by extreme and irrational fear of simple things or social situations; "phobic disorder is a general term for all phobias" [syn: phobic disorder, phobic neurosis]

Source: WordNet 2003 Princeton University

Well, alright, I admit it – I have a bit of a phobia and bad quirk – I'm afraid really of driving in the snow. I am not afraid of snow. Heck someday I would love to try skiing, ice skating, snowboarding and other assorted winter sports (none of which I have ever done – I need to find someone willing to be patient, show me tricks and laugh incredibly long when I land on my ass, and then be willing to go get hot tea or cocoa or coffee - well for them coffee I have never had coffee)

But driving in snow – growing up in Arizona and Florida I really did not experience snow and we never could afford trips anywhere so really when I came to Philadelphia that was my first major experience with snow.

Considering I did not really learn to drive until I came to the east Coast (short story - yes we had a car growing up for all of two weeks – ahhh welfare, having a mom who was blind, no father at all and thus no car - longer story, ask me sometime if you wanna know the odd quirks of life :-P

anyhoo – I did not drive again til getting to Philadelphia and so I've driven on snow only a few times and I admit – I am as much a hazard as the snow.

See I get very nervous and go slow and can not turn well and all that. So I get these fucking SUVs, trucks, vans and such behind me flashing their lights, tailing me and shit and the nervous wreck factor goes up. Add to that usually they barely plow one lane out here (it does not snow a lot so they are not the best always at clearing the snow and such) so you have the tracks in front of you from the last car and then all snow - so if I tried to pull over I would never get out (I drive a Saturn SL2 – not a great snow car – before that Ford Aspire and before that Ford festiva – so never driven anything even semi good for snow).

I get really bad paranoid thinking about driving and I have had some close calls (one time I am turning real slow into work parking lot, a simple right turn, going slow, going…. Next minute I am in the middle of the huge highway in the turn lane facing the opposite way. I managed to make a now left turn into my work and made it to the bathroom before puking. Luckily the snow had stopped and after sitting hunched in a ball at my desk all day I made it home and only had to stop once as I was soooo nervous.)

Yeah I know I am pretty stupid, pathetic, whiney, over-reacting, what ever… I just can’t drive in snow – hell knowing this storm was coming today and it was supposed to start snowing at about 2pm I could not sleep right last night, honestly had nightmares and ended up leaving work earlier as I really was watching out the window for the first flake.

So I guess that is a funky quirk I have and something if you know me ya just gotta deal with ah well – so anyone wanna drive me around in the snow :-P I believe in free trade and would be willing to help out with your phobia – fairs fair (except spiders – they are up there with driving in the icky poo white stuff…)

Alright some movie/TV updates – rented (and yes as I say these two movies together people will reread and go – what the heck is that chick like to rent those items together – I tend to rent a lot of weird combinations that make the movie clerks pause, look at me, look at the title, look at me, I shrug and say, eh I', eccentric and then they laugh their butt off and say hell yes you are) but I rented Madagascar and Pistol Opera (anyone else out there ever seen that? It looked weird in the movie store so I got it – will use the snow night to curl up with some hot Lemon tea and a subtitled flick about a woman Japanese assassin trying to move up the ladder of success – ahhh warm fuzzies on a cold snowy night – lol – seriously when I read the cover it made me think of the Lucy Liu character in Kill Bill and so wondering if there is a connection so let me know if you've seen it before)

But continuing with run down – just finished L Word season 2 (yes – finally – man I wish I had Showtime as season 3 will be showing soon – I also would check out that new Sleeper Cell series). Want to see Aeon Flux and yes I want to see Rent again plus there are a few other movies coming out that I would not mind seeing – gotta get Mr. & Mrs. Smith – wanna find out if Drew Carey show is on DVD (Someone told me I should watch the entire series – ALL of them) and must pick up Absolutely Fabulous yet again (that series is like a guilty secret pleasure and secretly hits my funny bone more than I would admit in a mixed crowd – lol)

Also tomorrow going to check out Daisy Does America – yes that looks like a stupid ass reality something show but who cares – I kinda need to laugh right now as stuff has been pretty depressing and the I am in an unmotivated "I am not getting out of bed anymore" is tapping on my shoulder….. hmmm there are some other movies out there to see but I forget – eh I will find my post-it note somewhere of must see stuff – lol

Going to go and check – the snow has begun to really come down now…

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

You've Got Mail movie thinking, a crankswirl moment and other things

Well getting back into swing of things – mostly.

School was fun last couple of days (NOT – well sorta, maybe, a little). Deer season opened Monday here in NJ and in the weirdest of cosmic convergences we had a deer running through our hallways – no shit.

Apparently it had made it's way from the woods nearby to the school grounds and a parent dropping a child off spooked it and it went right through a window and was running through the halls before finally getting back outside. Quite a way to start the week…

Then been immersed in finishing up projects such as writing curriculum and putting the final touches on this course I was taking (our high school is going to become part of the Virtual high school system so our students can take courses online. I agreed to be a teacher – I teach a class of 15 students from all over and then in trade 15 of our students can take a course).

So for the last 10 weeks I was taking the VHS required course to go through how to setup the course I will be teaching and teaching online and such. I will be teaching wither in January or next September Web Design and Internet Research – two topics I love but it has been a pain taking a class and redoing this course. But I am almost finished with that – hope to complete stuff by weekend.

But in addition had a lot of training as the teachers are required to schedule a 40 minute block of training with myself or my co-worker to work on a project using either PowerPoint, Excel or Web design. Of course every teacher is different and their level of knowledge is different so it is like teaching 9 different classes (nine periods per day). So I am getting a bit tired because of that.

Rented the first two disks of L Word (FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY – YAYAYAYAY) and man I just wanna smack some of the characters and yes I am getting all into a silly TV show, so what :-P

Also saw You've Got Mail for the first time the other night... I like Meg and Tom yes I am one of the 12 people who liked Joe vs. the Volcano (yes I quote lines from the movie, mainly just to my sister because she is the only one who would not think I am a total dweeb and crazy ass dork for liking that movie) - I love the line "I have no response to that." yes makes no sense why i do, I just do – lol

Of course I also liked Hudson Hawk - again a movie I quote and is a bad movie but so what I like it so there ;-P

But the movie (Got Mail) made me think – can someone really fall for someone through that line of communication? You hear about it all the time – people meeting on the Internet, having long distance relationships and growing to care for someone – but does that really work? I liked the movie – plus they were book people and I am a book person so any movie spotlighting books already has a leg up in the I like column ;-D

But yeah the movie and some comments by someone this weekend really got me thinking about things and my life and where I am… problem is a lot of thinking and such happening but not much else… ah well – I'll wait for the next deer or episode of L word or curriculum to rewrite or concert to go to or trip to take... always something to keep me thinking and moving forward… crappy rambling, ditzy, spacey multi-tasking brain anyway that goes places it shouldn’t

ah well – another day another adventure to encounter good or bad – always an adventure and I am an explorer – so onward ho… (um not that I am a ho like the slang sense but in the Westward Ho sense like the saying and the Western Expansion, which has nothing to do with ho slutty ho's just with going on you know Ho and hmm wonder what the ho in Westward Ho really means and why does Santa say ho-ho-ho? I mean Mrs. Claus I am sure is a hotty but how the hell did a mythical figure such as Santa come to be associated with the ritual calling of a certain type of woman? I mean hmm... he is always wearing red and there is the saying red light district… another odd connection there and so I ponder what does Westward expansion and covered wagons have to do with a guy in a read suit and women who have a certain predilection for a lifestyle that does not as I mentioned before match mine in fact I am almost an anti-ho as I lack any connecting in the ho sense of connecting right now, although some connecting would be nice, but not in the overboard ho sense and alright I have no fucking idea what I was typing but here I am

But anyhoo – onward I move and not as a ho... :-P ahhhh my crankswirling brain – always thinking – thinking about shit weird stuff but always thinking - perhaps that is why I do not really talk about stuff to people – I think they would lock me away or go WTF is she talking about ;-)

Saturday, November 26, 2005

525,600 – how do you measure your self?

Getting through – kinda, sorta, hey look another day gone – um yay or maybe boo and drat perhaps it will be I don’t know or perhaps some of the I don’t care….. what response will I find coming from my lips today????


Mom – Bobbie Jo's playing in the turkey… gawd I miss you so much mom – funny how this holiday that is about family and thanks and being together is when you decided to check out – I keep telling myself and listening to others that say it'll get better and in a way yeah, it does and in another way – still feels as raw today as it did those years ago when you left

I saw Rent on Thanksgiving (combined with my 4 mile walk along the Atlantic city boardwalk that was my holiday… decided even to pas really on the eating bit – just had some simple crackers and cheese and such – simple but worked… a mantra that gets a lot of people through the day). But back to the movie - luckily there were only a handful of people in the theater and everyone in front. I think I cried every other scene and song –

yes fine – I am an emotion feeling person and I get emotional over a lot of stuff (if you ever go with me to plays, movies, etc… be prepared I do sometimes get into the "scene/situation" :-P I think that is why sometimes things are "hard" for me (yes I put it in quotes cause when I read things like Stone Butch Blues or listen to the news or such I realize my definition of hard is not really the same as others…. Which then I feel guilty for feeling bad which leads to feeling bad and okay fine I am just going to laugh at myself now as I get the image of a dog chasing her own tail in an endless loop :-D

But I think that's why I wish I had some people around (friends, relationships, whatever)… and mope about that as much as I do I just like to feel and listen to others and have someone to bounce ideas off and share experiences and drag along on adventures as I can only dare to do so many things alone and all that…

Shit – the song Seasons of Love from Rent always gets me – especially since so many of those minutes this last year have been so hard to get through – and so many have found me laughing my way through them – ah the ups and downs of life.

I want to go see the movie again.

525,600 – that's a lot of……. Sighing (is that an okay compromise – not too down but not lying about being too cheery – my cup is at the half mark – alright – not half full or empty just half…. That allowed?)

(BTW see the lyrics for the Seasons of Love song at the bottom of this entry if you do not know what that number refers to)


Ventured out early this morning (Black Friday) – didn’t pick up too much but enjoyed watching others shop and go crazy -I did not witness too many fights – but heard on radio that at least four different fights broke out at the local shopping Mecca's during the Black Friday madness.

I found the line elf at Old Navy to be mildly entertaining (as we waited forever in line – but hey got my cool zipper pullovers) as he would say whoever holds up such and such gets a goodie. So people were searching through their pockets and purses for things like movie stubs and student IDs and assorted wacky crap.

I also found as I shopped and moved around people kept talking to me – dunno why although I do enjoy hearing people's stories and listening to people talk – but I got a lot of stories and people passing the time – from in-line stories, to which object should they buy, to being dragged out, to a running commentary on the other shoppers (oh shit that was funny, this woman behind me in the arts and crafts story was critiquing what other people were buying and then started guessing what they were planning on making – when she got to deciding one person was making a wreath toilet seat and wouldn’t that itch a lot and maybe cause problems and……. I suddenly remembered I needed more, um, foam, yes foam and have a great day bye-bye now - lmao

Well, I leave you with the song from Rent I mentioned earlier as I try to figure out how to get through another one of those 525,600

Seasons Of Love Lyrics

Company:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes

Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear

FIve hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes

How do you measure-- measure a year?

In daylights-- in sunsets
In midnights-- in cups of coffee
In inches-- in miles
In laughter-- in strife
In-- five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?

Measure in love
Seasons of love

Soloist #1:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

Soloist #2:
In truths that she learned
Or times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died

All:
It's time now-- to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate

Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love

Soloist #1:
Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

In diapers--reportcards
In spoke wheels--in speeding tickets
In contracts--dollars
In funerals--in births

Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes

How do you figure our last year on earth

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Life is not like a box of chocolates - It is like a leaky roof

Looked up this morning and discovered bubbles across the ceiling of my bedroom about 2 inches wide and about so far two - 4our feet total length. So at 6:30am in the morning (yes it has been raining the last few days) I am crawling around in my unfinished attic (it is mainly the pink insulation furry crap laid down and a few boards in a few spots so I can store some crap up there.

I find water is dripping down a metal exhaust pipe and then when the pipe bends the water drips onto the board, pink insulation and thus collects under the insulation bubbling the paint in my ceiling below (I have not pulled up the insulation or boards yet to look at the damage but I know the water is collecting because I see the bubble in my bedroom ceiling.) Plus my one bin was wet and the one area in the board and the insulation. So a bucket is now sitting up there and I will explore further later today when I think I can approach things with out losing it. It has been a bad few weeks and this is just more gray.

See life right now seems like a leak in the roof. Stuff goes on little by little, drip by drip and most of the world does not see it, see the building water bubble, the board becomes soaked, then the insulation then the water collects and bubbles the paint and then runs along the paint and creates a bigger and bigger mess. Little drop by little drop. And in between the rainy days there is sun, but then the drip starts up again....

Finally a person looks up and notices and hopefully exposes the bigger problem hidden, going on day by day while people pass by, never knowing how the boards are being soaked, damaged, ready to burst. And you can not trace the exact drop that defines the problem or even the starting place at this point, just it is all soaked and rotting and now you must fix the problem.

Maybe the water and area will dry up and go away during a sunny day and hey things are looking great on the surface - but the problem is there and mold may start to grow to compound the issue but hey what you can't see can't hurt you right...

Sure maybe even putting a bucket stops the drip but you have to monitor the bucket and empty it and the mold may still grow and well... you sometimes gotta take the plunge and fix the leak and hope all is well.

The cool thing in life is if you can find someone to help you fix the roof maybes even sit around after drinking tea or beer or whatever laughing about the problem and other things and then in the rare cases they might even be just the one who sticks around to help you paint and help you keep an eye on other possible leaks.

But not everyone knows someone like that. Yet the drip is still there... so then you must decide, bucket your drip, don't look up until the bubble bursts and falls on you drowning you or find a way to fix it yourself... Some argue, and rightly so, sometimes you can fix it yourself and sometimes you do need to go to others... but the thing is most times you can find a way to deal with the leaky roof.... to take care of the drip and thus be able to move on to the next mess...

another day another drip ;-)

Monday, November 21, 2005

LOOKING FOR ROAD TRIP PEOPLE

Alright - crap is just getting too much too me and the "I don't care and don't want to do anything and nothing matters" feeling is growing too much and consuming too much of my mind. Since I am not going to get to visit sisters and Arizona until March or April - and work is stressing me out, got some feelings and issues to try and sort out along with a myriad of other things are piling up leading to the great gray blahs - I have decided road trip is in order. And to help me focus on something else I am starting to seriously plan.

I just would like to actually have someone or someones along just to make it more fun, a little safer and more adventurous (and maybe even cheaper - lol). But seriously, I'm going anyway so motels, gas, admission stuff like that is ON ME - I just need one of my friends available either the week between Christmas and New Year or the week after New Year's.

Destination: I picked the Memphis area

I went to Nashville for a conference in the summer and managed to go and visit Graceland - there was so much I wanted to see in Memphis area that I know I wanted to go back. Plus it is only about a 17 hour drive and I am hoping it will not be snow - that is the only down side - I do not do snow - another reason to con someone into going with... I need a driving buddy in case it snows...

SO - please, people's I know, anyone who has a few days and would like to see Memphis - I am even willing to see whatever - I like it all (although the music is best reason to go).

I am a great traveling person, and it is a road trip so willing to maybes even pick you up, meet half way - whatever.... and like I said - it is a cheap trip so come on, ping me, email me or whatever - of course if not - I'll prolly be bugging you - lol

On a side note - was playing with Google Earth and Google Moon - those are cool programs and I can use them in my classes and the in-joke with google moon is funny.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Tiring day, long wek, trying to keep butt outta depressed mode

Mind to Bind class was GREAT - we are teaching/discussing Writing environmens and told writers need. We first showed pictures of different environments and had them reflect on what was good/bad. We had them go to two more environments today. One was the Natural Marine Sciences career class - that is a great class as he has fish tanks and all sorts of things and he let us come in so he is lecturing and the students are distracted by the fish tanks and ponds and it was cold and very smelly and it was great.

Then we took them outside and they were cold because most did not think to bring jackets - and there was no place to write so they were making student chains writing on each other's backs and stuff, plus they had to write 3 sentences before going back in - it was great. They really liked comparing - Monday we will have them design their ideal place.

But teaching that, and then I had back to back to back to back teachers coming in every period for training and each period was different - I am wiped and still have doctor's appointment and so much to do.

Add in just bummed and depressed about a number of things and thinking about some stuff and some people way too much - well long day.

I think I will try for a little road trip at least during the winter break - maybe plan it around like house of blues and concerts or something - if I could find someone to come with that would be extra cool!!!!!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

a poem/song/something

More What Ifs
A song by J. Stratton

What do you do if someone tells you they wanna see you?

What do you do if they tell you they want one last fling?

What do you do if they tell you just one last fling before they die?

What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?

What do you do if someone tells you that they want to be good to you?

What do you do if they want to be good as it is the last memory they are making?

What do you do if they are going away and need one last moment?

What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?

Do you act flattered they want you even when that thought does not exist?

Do you go ahead and be their escape?

Do you tell them how you really feel who you think of and that it'll never be them?

What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?

Do you go into it knowing they will die?

Do you turn yourself off inside to be that moment?

Do you care if they'll escape and you'll be chained to that moment?

What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?


What if you told them the truth?

What if you let them know someone else is all you think about?

What if they still asked?

What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?

Would you risk losing your dream?
Would you risk losing a possible chance with her someday just to help a lost soul?
Would you only say yes to use this lost soul to go to her, to tell her your dream?

Is free will really so free?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Missing Ingredients?

You know the saying when life hands you lemons, make lemonade… well there's kinda something missing there that they never tell you in trying to be all cheery and looking at brightside – lemonade tastes pretty sour and still makes you make faces unless you add sugar and if life is handing you lemons it usually ain't giving out free sugar too…. So the lemonade principle is flawed

And I kinda feel that way about life right now – flawed and missing ingredients – I'm still cooking, getting along, got even some good parts – like started the Mind to Bind theme for the year today that I have been working on and that got accepted and recognized as a good program and I will be presenting at a major conference in May about it –and it is a fun unit –

And hey a certain 5 year old always makes me crack up - like telling this 17 year old boy who was teasing her and asked if he was still her boyfriend and she says nope you out go to the back of the line (I am told by my ex those were her exact words)

So yes positive column has entries - but November is always a long month and it seems to be on track for not breaking with tradition this year :( major hugs to everyone out there

So, lots of other things swirling and that keeps me down in-between the good ingredients

And thank you Kathy for listening to me about what I should do – I know you keep thunking me in head and maybe I'll take a chance… but unless someone else thunks me (comes up and asks) I think I'll stay in the too scared and chicken to ask mode (or else in the oblivious mode) - and damn Kathy wasn't that road trip idea cool – but problem is I don’t think I can find a traveling companion to go on the adventure with me – man I really wanna get out and explore a little… that always cheers me up – alright people I need to find those interested in venturing out ;-D

So I am still looking for those ingredients – I just gotta find the right market so to speak

Until then, I throw together what I have and hobble along wishing for other things but surviving on what I have. I'll make lemonade – just wish it was a bit sweeter :)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Cyndi Lauper rocks the house oh yeah

OH man, oh fucking awesome man... Oh man, did I say fucking awesome? Yes my mood is hyper, chipper and energized at least for the moment. I went to a Cyndi Lauper concert at the Taj Casino tonight. It was a live TV taping for VH1 Decades Rock specials – this one was a tribute to Cyndi.

It was cool cause she had a neat set and had guests to sing with her – so not just her but others and damn and oh man and yeah it was good. I was an idiot up and dancing the whole time but who cares.

I had pretty good seats and only had obstructed views a few times. And again I was on my feet and the thing lasted just about three hours but man I had fun.
So the stage was cool with this neat ramp all the way around – which Cyndi and others used the whole time. In fact she was ALL over and into the crowd and on chairs and oh it was so fucking awesome.

Alright… so the Hooters opened and man I like there songs. Then Cyndi came out and she did a couple of songs and brought out Shaggy. He was great and it was cool hearing some of Cyndi's songs with a reggae/rap flavor. She did this great song she wrote with Beck -Above the Clouds.

OK that song was one of two I did not dance, I did not sit, I just stood there frozen. I know pretty stupid but it… I really almost cried… I know, it was weird I just... it made me feel lonely yet also good... so even though it is the type of song you wanna have someone there to slip your hand into their hand just to feel contact... you also could walk away alone too...

I will find someone someday to share experiences like this with... that song proved that to me... of course I need to stop thinking about a couple of people who I know would never be interested in me and look for people who would - but eh, wishing someone would see you as you see them is like a Above the Clouds... so I'll keep thinking and looking and walking

Anyway so the other people singing with Cyndi included Scott Weiland of Velvet Revolver, Pat Monahan of Train, Ani DiFranco, Shaggy and The Hooters.

It was so awesome hearing other people singing her songs because they put a different spin on them, plus to hear Cyndi singing their songs. They did an awesome version of Ani's 32 flavors complete with four violins and a full band yet the two women sang, Ani played her guitar. Before that they did a cover of one of Cyndi's songs with Cyndi playing the guitar.

Scott and Cyndi rocked out hard time to Money changes everything.

In between the songs and while working on setting up things Cyndi kept adding comments that just were so funny. I need to find out why talking about trombones is an inside joke for her - lol
And okay an acoustic version of She Bop rocked and thinking about the concert and all man I need to She Bop – hehe (especially since I have no one to Bop me – but again I'll find someone, until then – She bop, I bop... :oP

Ok so will go to one of her concerts again – only I need to find someone to go with cause as she sang in an awesome duet with Shaggy making a rap version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – I wanna find a girl to have fun with! Or anyone to drag to concerts... come on – poke me in the back and say hey let's go listen to music – yayayayayay music - lol

There’s a place where the sun breaks through
And the wind bites cold and hard
Stings my ears and
Tears my eyes
When the day starts to shout out loud

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds

When the light is against your face
And your smile is soft and sound
That’s when you tell me all your fears
and all your dreams
So proud

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds

I try and tell you
to keep your head upright
Don’t swing your sword and shield against the night
Don’t block your blessings, boy
You don’t have to fight
You don't have to fight

Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds

When you walk above the clouds

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

An Image to set mood and other bits and pieces

Whew - busy today

looks like we may be keeping this one program - but it was never done correctly here so I am working to get things rolling to really try and make it work (major cheerleading and doing the social thing and going into areas I do not feel comfortable with - who wants to step up and volunteer to be my bitch buddy? lol - someone I can go to when I am about to puke or geeting worried or overworked or upset and they can give me a smack in the butt and say - hey look at all the good - hang in there - so any takers ;-)


Looks like I am going to Chicago to the Reading Conference - April 30 - May 4 - I am presenting this cool project we are doing Mind to Bind - following the written word from the author to the publisher. The conference is huge and I have never been to Chicago and only been to Illinois once before (got to visit Lincoln's birthplace during a Coal conference - haha yes when I was doing my Geology work I went to a Coal conference because I had to focus on coal geology for part of my work


god how life changes and winds you around on different roads - coal geology conference to reading conference - man o man - what a ride


I agreed to teach a class for a friend tonight - I am teaching people how to create functions in Excel. I may try and stop and get a movie - I really wanna see Saving Face and a couple others - something funny or action oriented I think - need to get my spirits from the crapper where they currently are... yes definite need cheery things... need to laugh and make other people laugh

Here's the image - yes I posted it before - eh I like it

Earworm alert -Sometimes things just get stuck - lol

Okay so Ma Ya Hi F. Lucas Prata song still firmly in my head and no idea why. I need to find someone to be a Picasso for (as refered to in the song). It is such a funny song - I mean buying pants to match color of love - damn I like that line and it is funny - plus been in dance mood and it is a bouncy song... ok back to listening to the beat and dancing when no one is looking - lol - hmmm let me find the lyrics so you can see how messed up my brain is that this song is actually stuck and pleasing my brain - hahahahaha

PS - regarding the title - anyone remember from an earlier blog of mine what an earworm is - well in reference to this blog post? You get bonus points if you actually know, read my blog other times and special bonus if you actually read my earlier blogs and remember what i said - HAHAHAHa :P

Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha


Hello, Salute, it’s me, you're a Duke
And I made something that’s real
To show you how I feel

Hello, Hello, it’s me, Picasso
I will paint my words of love
With your name on every wall
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday

When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday

I sold my strings, my songs, and dreams
And I bought some paints to match the colors of my love

Hello, Hello, it’s me again, Picasso
I will spray my words of my love
With your name on every wall

When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday

Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday

Monday, November 07, 2005

You Know, November Just stinks

Same ole song just a different day :-D

Yes I do not like November. It is not the month per se but that shit always happens in this time of the year and no matter how hard I try to stay chipper, reminders pop up that pull me down. So I end up like an idiotic feeling off, crappy, blue, crying about stuff that gets me down or sitting on the couch staring at nothing and thinking about everything

My mom died on Thanksgiving
I got told I could not earn my PhD and should be happy I was "allowed" to get my Masters
Divorce will be final reminding me how alone I really am
I lost one of my best friends (considering I had just three and lost two (ok I admit more than best friend I was in love with her – you know I have loved two people and hey they both went away and left me – sigh and I really do not have that many friends as it is)
And there are other things that have occurred in this month

All lead to making it very easy to pull up the chair to the pity party table. Which of course something happened to day to get me thinking and whirling and to prompt the mood I am in currently and thus employing to set the tone of this blog – yeah I'm rambling about being depressed, blech and blook and all that arrrrggggg

I do have good things and I do laugh in between

I have a job (albeit I am working a little too much and doing too many things)
I do still have my bestest, closest friend – my sister Kathy (although she is wayyyy out in AZ and I am wayyyyyy out in NJ)
And yes I have my other two sisters two (when they are not doing things to make me consider again the advantages to be an only child)
I have shelter, food, concert ticket fun for the future
T is always around
I get to post and write sometimes if people are around

I like doing the silliest shit and being goofy and dorky and immature and doing things others would not do or consider stupid
I like making people laugh and that in turn makes me feel good when I make someone else feel good – yes I get self gratification off of other people's happiness


So there is good… I just wish I didn’t feel the emptiness of the house sometimes – or going out to have fun note all the couples and groups

I'll be okay laters – I'll figure out a way to make myself laugh… just is nice sometimes if you have someone else around to take a turn at making you laugh.

Plus I would stop bugging Kathy so much (my sister begs all you available people out there to consider going to a concert with me or something so I am not pestering her so much – lol – you are awesome KATHY – You rock :-D

Okay – going to go work on work stuff (have virtual class to check into and do assignments, gotta grade labs and tests, check in on some curriculum and not think about future as boss reviewed the future plans of the school as it is being remodeled and a lot added and our current room and center were not on the plan :-/ if I am in depressed mood – well shit there goes that – if in chipper mood – hey I will be getting a new office and new work duties – lol

Alright I wanna do a road trip or something and of course concert/music is always a good thing – anyone wanna join in the fun?

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Howdy from Miami

Well I am here in hurricane recovering Miami for the NAF conference – I am finding the conference so far to be good but lots of questions from the teachers and if we do this lots of work for me to do… I am already designing brochures and forms and typing up emails and all sorts of things. I want this program to go through if it helps the teachers and students but I it also means more work for me :-/

I find this idea of business model vs education model to be hard sometimes. They talk about going out and talking to businesses and people and being outgoing – that is not me. If it were not for a deal I made with someone promising to try and be a little sociable and outgoing and have fun and not stress and work through being out of my element and feeling out of place I would be hiding in my room…. And you who tricked me into the deal – drat on you and thanks a lot for making me make a deal :-D I am sticking to my part are you sticking to yours??????

I like the ideas and curriculum and my job overall – I just am not aggressive, not assertive, hard for me to make a decision and tell others what to do… I feel more at home having others lead the way and letting me watch – I am a watcher and I listen to people….

Man Miami got hot my the hurricane I can only imagine what it is like really for these people and New Orleans and stuff – some people still have no power and had to boil water and so many trees and roofs and signs still as we drove in torn up and laying around and such… wow makes me lucky I am up in NJ although NJ still could get hit – has before.

Whew – attended a late session so while the others got done at 5 and are touring Miami – I stayed until 7 and now working on projects – ah well – I have no one to keep me distracted so might as well work – I gotta find someone to distract me - lol

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Tickets, kicking around - online communication

Well not much going on for halloween weekend really - eh I think I will dress up for work on monday at least - I am going as a dork thing - a yellow smiley face that has vampire teeth. That should make me look all official as I have a couple of meetings and training sessions. "Yes we are instituting this new curriculum for our Exploratory class and stop giggling at my costume, I am being serious here damnit people...." :-D

I love using smiles and emoticons - anyone who chats with me online and even in my blogs knows I love the smiley - I actually have this whole complicated hierarchy setup - no shit - online communication lacks so much. Yet people develop speech and mood/feeling patterns in cyberspace just as they do in real life. Just harder to catch and you have to be very observant... I mean down to how many times they use prepositions or conjunctions, how they type out slang, contractions, what greeting they use, how many times they say ok vs eh or ah or such…. and so on - it is interesting to note.

I actually witnessed this in a bad way as I saw the change of someone I liked very much online before she totally went offline – it was scary and telling and well that is a story for another time (or go through my old blogs for hints). But the changes came in to me loud and clear through online communication...

But this subject recently came up because I had been lazy and not signing in and replying to someone and they asked me if it was me and said they could kinda tell from my accent (and my julie speak) – haha, hee-haw and a bit o' the whee... I have an online accent - I love it!

So anyhoo, I kinda use different smileys to convey feelings - I mean there is a difference in using :-) :) :^) :-D and so on - plus coupled with things like lol, LOL, hehe, haha, whee and so on - yes I am a geek - ah well I love it so there

Hmm I did rent the movie Bewitched this weekend - can that count as my Halloween activity???? lol

Got tickets to go see April Smith at The Stone Pony in December. It is billed as a CD release party – cools!!!!! (and counting down time until Cyndi in November – oh yeah!!!).

Friday, October 28, 2005

Hunter and Tracker - Chapter 2

The sunlight streamed in through the slatted blinds casting shadows and random patterns of light on the dark blue comforter. The body nestled underneath began to stir and the lump shifted shape. The calico balled up at one end of the lump yawned and then kneaded through the covering some in protest as the movements became more pronounced and threatened to upset the cat.

An arm snaked out and languidly moved to rest in an empty space. It then patted the bed as if in confusion and began patting a pathway up until it hit a pillow where it stopped. "Sherri?" A muffled voice tried to get through from beneath the comforter.

A tussled tawny colored head peeked up and repeated the word, "Sherri?"

"Oh yeah." Was the follow up saddened reply after a moment as the owner of the voice became more aware of her surroundings. Pulling deep back under the covers, the form balled up into a tighter, smaller lump and stopped all movement save for a tiny shaking in one area which corresponded roughly to where the woman's shoulders were curled up.

Mr. FancyPants had quietly watched the slight movement tracking to see if it was worth investigating. Finally deciding he was hungry, the cat stretched and moved up near the shaking part of the lump and started sniffing around trying to locate a familiar scent to prod into feeding him. After a movement he found the top of the comforter and began snaking his nose and head underneath.

"Hey, your nose is all wet and cold, get out of there." The muffled exclamation came as the lump shifted and stretched, a head coming out to glare at the animal as it made itself at home on the unused pillow. "Sherri was right, I don’t need an alarm clock between you and her.

She'd not set the clock as she knew she was not expected at work and in fact a late night message on her answering machine had confirmed she had been given the week off. That had raised her eyebrows as she had been sitting drinking some wine after dinner and reading through a novel when the phone call came in.

"A whole week…" she had pondered listening to the machine click off. She had let the machine do the greeting and answering for the night not feeling too social after talking to Sherri. Well she never really was social anyway, Sherri was the mixer and mover. Shaker and stirrer.

She just provided the details, the support, the dreams, the quiet follow-up and missed points that everyone else missed as they were busy moving and shaking. But that was Jaden, the over looked who looked out for those things that were left out.

After a long, hot shower and trying to decide what to wear, Jaden made her way downstairs. She stopped in the living room to turn on the CD player. She put in one of her mix CDs and headed toward the kitchen. Starting to delve through the cupboards, she found herself humming to the current song.

She brought over the bag of cereal and set it on the counter thinking over the lyrics that drifted through place. She'd always found this tune by Ari Scott to be a natural sing along. Add to the uplifting rhythm the memory it always pulled from Jaden and she found Fill of Love to be one of her favorites. She let her thoughts drift along with the song as she was pulled back to the first time she'd heard this song.

Okay mood is weird and will be for a bit but moving along anyways

I think modifying the Green Day song "Wake Me When September Ends" by subbing November in for September would be good right about now. The couch has been more and more my chosen place of residence… and the sleep is shifting once again… I gotta really watch myself.

I made it through another administrator workshop… I get very nervous – like tummy all upset and in puke mode. Plus tomorrow – well later today at work I have to take on a lead, assertive role and as I admitted to a co-worker yesterday that is one part of the job and if I move in the direction my boss wants me to, future job that I have problems with. I can lead and create and come up with ideas and how to implement… but I tend to be very shy, introvert and non-assertive. Someone going into an administrative position needs those qualities but also needs more backbone and to be sure of themselves… I have a major character flaw, as we all do…

But one of my many flaws (and I say that not in a dissing myself way but more I recognize it know I need to work on it but it still controls more than I like who I am and how I react) but I doubt myself… big time… like I can not possibly ever be in a relationship again because I am not good enough and no one would ever want me type self doubt… I do not trust my self really… it is more but now I am dangerously approaching the self pity, self dissing, self loathing point and trying hard not to sink there… I can sink there later, plenty of time for that

But have this phone conference tomorrow plus my fricking ass braces messed up again – this time a lower wire slipped and is enjoying digging into my gum… so I managed to get an emergency appointment tomorrow afternoon

This is good as Tuesday I have to go to Miami for a conference and would not be happy being in a different state with messed up braces. Why again did I decide at this age and juncture of my life to do this? Oh yeah because I wanted to do something different and as I am going through a lot of changes the last two years I decided to do the teeth thing too – lol

This weekend promises to be full of work… maybe I can slip out tomorrow night and find some music somewhere. No plans for Halloween – too busy…

Found out I really do need to try and figure out how to take these graduate classes at Rowen University which is an hour plus drive one way and money and time and why am I doing this? Oh yeah because my boss told me my job is going away but the school wants to keep me and is trying to figure out how to do that so get these certifications and maybe you will not end up collecting unemployment…

I know I should not get into the future what if mode, but I am still so off from that meeting… I need to make some friends or join a club ro something to actually do something beside hanging around thinking of stuff like this… actually it would be nice to have some people around in this area I actually could talk to and hang with. If I could just find some people to drag to concerts – that would be a start – lol

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Friday, October 21, 2005

Reminded of Natural Order of Things

Evolution – Change Through Time

Argue if you will about certain points regarding evolution – the major concept is sound – things change over time – regardless of how hard they try and fight this natural order…

I was sitting outside the Catholic school waiting to teach my workshop this morning. Just sitting in the car looking at the side of the building, the rainy clouds about to spill and collecting my thoughts to prepare for the workshop. There was this dead sparrow on the sidewalk in front of the building near my car… I really ha barely noticed it, pretty much ignored it.

As I thought over the topic (teaching them the basics of web design) a big, big black crow swoops down and I watch it pick up the sparrow to take it away. It juggled with the smaller bird a few moments before getting a good angle with its beak, other crows suddenly appeared watching the process (much like seagulls flock when someone throws fries out the window at the local by the shore McDonalds).

Even from death there is life – and all seems to contribute to the natural order – change happens whether you plan or not.

Aftye the very long workshop (the web page is messed up must redo file management system and get things straightened out but the sisters and teachers were great and I will do it even though I am not supposed to)

Not supposed to... see that goes to the other thing that happened today and the whole change thing...

I raced back through the rain (very methaphorical – rainy heavy day for what happened) to the high school campus for a meeting with boss. As I mentioned earlier she had been talking to the Super and thinking about future...

Well not to go into all details, because details are in short demand at this point (which makes for an upset tummy, mind and life...)

Start of conversation

Well the center you work for (ETTC) probably will only be around a very short time and will eventually go away (translated your job is going away)

Bad

But we want to keep you in the school you are a good worker

Good

What do you see yourself doing

Bad

kinda – I have a hard time being forceful and saying this is what I want. I hem and haw and say I like kinda what I do – technology – working with teachers – helping students in class – curriculum – helping teachers prep curriculum and lessons – but I don’t know how that translates to the future (you just said my job is going away and I like my job, sometimes, I do too much but other than that...)


But we were thinking of making you a Supervisor of Curriculum, Technology and such – you could do many of the same things

Good and wow – that is what my boss is plus Asst. Super... wow

And then after I am happy they still want to keep me around reality – this is BAD

See you need a supervisor's certificate to have that title

A Supervisor's certificate requires 12 Master level credits, taking some exams and (the big kicker) three years teaching in a field you hold a K-12 certificate in

I have taught community college for a bit and taught on and off in HS but the certification process and teaching in that area never meshed because of the weird walk I did – so I do not have the certificate or three years teaching

So I can not at this point get that certificate – major Bad

But some good (and bad)

She says I gave her more to think about and more ideas to follow (good she still is trying to get me set before she retires)

She wants me to start to take those classes (kinda bad – where am I getting money and time to take graduate courses especially when all the graduate schools are further up North – oh man) But she said I should still get those courses out of way while I wait for teacher certification

Which is another bad/good -I did apply for another teacher certification and waiting for paperwork to clear – if it does cool but then must figure out how to get the three years teaching...

So realistically – my job, as always is tenuous – bad

My boss is working to find a way to keep me in the school as she feels as does super I am an asset to the school – good

Right now the main way to keep me around means more time, money and may not be obtainable anyway....... bad

And above all it means within the next while –CHANGE – maybes major change for me - heaped upon all the changes that have occurred in the last couple years of my life....

Evolution...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hunter and Tracker - Chapter 1

Throwing the keys on the counter Jaden ripped her jacket off and threw it at the nearest piece of furniture. She closed her eyes a minute just listening to the sounds from the apartment hoping she wasn't alone again for the night.

Sighing she opened her eyes just as a shadow streaked across the counter tearing into her keys. Thrusting her hands out in reflex, Jaden screamed and jumped back, tripping on her jacket which had slid off the vinyl chair.

Breathing hard, unable to hear anything but her beating heart, she looked up and after a moment began laughing. "Shit Mr FancyPants. What the hell are you doing? Taking a page from Sheri's book I see." She shifted on the floor stretching her legs out actually glad to be resting.

She'd been unable to even get a seat on the bus, ridership had been up as had the gas prices making it tougher to find a resting spot for her 44 minute commute one way to and from her job.

Wiggling her legs around she looked at the apartment her eyes traveling from object to object finally coming to rest on the calico tabby looking down at her from the counter. "Guess Sheri did not feed you, or you are playing me." Laughing a little she pushed off the floor and stood by the counter running a hand over the cat's back.

Going through oft practiced motions, Jaden fed the cat while also rooting through the cupboards trying to decide what to fix them for dinner. She halted her search her eyes finding the note taped to the fridge. She frowned and just stood there as she reread the note.

"Well, looks like I've been stood up again." She declared and opened the fridge finding the wrapped plate of food that had been left for her. She took it out and put it in the microwave typing in the time.

She turned to move towards the bedroom, her hand gliding slowly over the faux marble countertop as she walked. Another night alone, another job to create a distance. She stooped by her backpack she'd placed on teh floor and took out her cell before heading back to change out of her work clothes.

Slipping her shoes off, she hit the shortcut for sheri and listened to the phone as she started struggling out of her shirt. As it continued to ring she started pulling the shirt over her head with out unbuttoning it. With her head stuck, she started fiddling with finding a button just as she heard a familiar voice. "Hello?"

"MFGSHTFUBCK..." Jaden called into the phone through her shirt as she struggled with it.

"Hello?" there was a pause and then a sweet laughter as the caller had identified the number. "So it seems I have a prank caller. You know I am tracing this number and calling the authorities even as we speak."

"HAHA," she mumbled. Exasperated she heaved on the cloth and heard it rip and then a metallic ping as the button went flying hitting the lamp across the room.

More laughter rang out through the connection. "Why do I get the feeling something just fell victim to the Great Patience of a Ms. Jaden Softenhire?"

"Because you get feelings about every thing," Jaden gasped finally free of the clothing.

"True, and I am getting the feeling the exasperation I am hearing actually started before the phone call?" Sherri hesitated knowing she had disappointed Jaden by having to stay in the city and work an extra shift.

"Yeah, sorry, was just hoping for a friendly face." Jaden replied softly picking up the destroyed shirt and tossing it at the hamper. She watched the shirt hit the side and fall to the floor beside the bin.

"Make sure that gets into the hamper," the voice said over the phone followed by laughter as Jaden started to splutter an excuse.

"And friendly faces, I am sure Mr. FancyPants greeted you."

"Yes, yes he did."

"Damn I missed a screaming Jaden didn't I?"

The woman paused loving how Sherri always knew... well that was her talent and why she was called into work so often. Jaden shook her head at that thought. The characteristic she loved so much was also one that she was learning to hate. Or at least be insanely jealous of, not jealous to possess but jealous Sherri used it with others.

"And now I am missing the melancholy, deep in thought Jaden." A sigh floated through the connection startling Jaden from her thoughts.

"Thank you for dinner."

"My pleasure, I thought about you the entire time I made it."

"You were cooking naked again weren't you," Jaden teased as she unzipped her pants and began taking them off.

"I plead the Fifth."

"Do, do you think this will be more than one day?" She sat on the bed and began wiggling out of her pants.

There was a long pause, so long Jaden finished removing her pants and had crossed to get a pair of sweats and a t-shirt when the voice finally began speaking.

"Actually, I know it will and I need you to pack a bag. When I get off I'll pick you up. I want to spend the weekend at Hannies. Some things have come up here Jaden." The voice trailed off leaving a very confused and suddenly nervous Jaden looking at the phone.

~Oh god she's leaving, they've promoted her or enhanced her again or...~ A rough voice cut across her thoughts.

"No I'm not leaving you, never again." There was silence as Jaden fell heavily on the bed. The release of her fear and tension leaving her body weak for a moment. "We just, the future is changing and I want to make sure you are happy."

Jaden bit her lip not sure if that statement was a good thing or a bad thing.

"It's a good thing, we'll talk more when we get to Hannie's. It's been too long since we were there. And I do still owe you for saving..."

It was Jaden's turn to cut her off, "No you don't. I'll pack and be ready. I'm guessing my work has already been called?"

"Things are all set. I'll see you tomorrow then. I miss you."

The clothes forgotten, Jaden stared at the floor as she nodded at the words biting her lip harder to keep from crying like an idiot.

"It's okay to cry, I kinda have been too."

Jaden felt her mouth fall open at these words, Sherri never cried, she was the strong one, the one who held them together. The one who managed to make things alright even when really they weren't alright. Had not been since that night...

She vaguely wondered if what had happened that night was the reason for this. Blank checks had a way of being cashed in the end. No one ever forgot about a blank check.

"Yes, it is... but we'll talk. And don't be scared, well not too much. We both mean too much to them and to each other."

Jaden felt her brows draw down, "We?"

"Yeah kiddo, we... I'm sorry. We'll talk and... and survive. Enjoy the meal and sleep, get a good rest. And wait for me, I'll be there before you know it." She hung up then as she'd heard her manager coming in with the night's list.

Jaden sighed and this time did cry a little. Putting her clothes on she moved to the kitchen to eat. She'd pack in the morning, for now she'd do as Sherri had suggested and eat and rest. She had a bad feeling that it might be awhile before things would seem normal again.

Not that they were normal now, but as long as Sherri was there. Funny at first she'd hated the woman and now... now she'd go and eat and rest and get reay for tomorrow.