PLaygrounds and Funerals

an entry about something I like and something I hate

I was driving today to drop off T at my ex's (I had an enjoyable morning playing Dragons and Princesses and the like in a park playground and anyone watching would have had a hard time finding the adult in the crowd – lol) I love playgrounds and was all over the equipment as much as the 5 year old and other kids :-D Tire swings, wooden draw bridges that bounce and all sorts of slides – ooooooooo I drool... yes I like to play – hehe

Anyhoo – as I was driving - I passed an Episcopal church. There were three bagpipers out front playing bagpipes and as I passed I realized from the hearse and other cues, it was a funeral. And that got me to thinking about that particular event.

Actually been thinking about death and similar subjects for a bit – Thanks to a sister and her actions of late, a whole bunch of nightmares and very depressing dreams of late and throw in the fact I tend to get into a very blue funk this time of year anyways ( long story regarding that - perhaps another time).

But I revisiting my thoughts on funerals as I drove by. I personally believe funerals have nothing directly to do with or benefit the deceased, they are merely activities for the living. I know there is the honor their memory and pay tribute aspect – but what the hoo does the deceased care about those ideals?

These things end up being a combination of a few things – people who need the time to reflect about the deceased (but why gather everyone in a somber setting where most people feel uncomfortable, nervous, worry about what they are wearing, doing or saying as much as thinking about the deceased anyway and spend a ton of money on the event to do that when there are lots of other ways to think about the person who is gone?).

Or perhaps it is to show how much of an impact the person had (so if 50 people go to person A's funeral and 5 to person B does that mean person A made more of an impact, was better loved, was… what does it really mean??)

I really don’t like funerals (not saying anyone except Harold and Maude do… but). I really try to go out of my way not to go (I am anti-Harold and Maude if you will).

So much of the time funerals end up being a... well weird, uncomfortable and maybe even for many there would have been a lot of ways the time could have been better used/spent. (Go volunteer for the time and donate the money to a charity for instance). From the money and time spent planning the whole shebang, to usurping a person's time worrying about where to bury who and is it politically correct to put them on the left side of this person or on the right or fighting over what crappy color to buy the coffin in or I want him to wear this but my sibling wants him buried in that……

So I am the one who will volunteer to watch the kids or keep the office running or something else instead of attending a funeral. I only go to funerals for the living and to honor them and support them. And usually I really do not know those people – a lot of the funerals people end up at are painful either because you know the deceased intimately and are reminded each time someone says "I am sorry for your loss" that shit they are gone. Or painful because you do not really know the person (it was a friend of the family or your partner or someone at work or such) and you feel awkward and try to figure out what to say and end up saying I am sorry for your loss and peace and blessings and such...

I mean when I have attended these things in the past what happens… I end up getting dressed in uncomfortable clothes, sitting or standing or such through a ceremony, shake a hand and hug people having little idea what to say and feeling uncomfortable with most of what ends up coming out of my mouth being trite and something to pass the moment and then what happens…

I feel really morose and bad as I spend the entire ceremony not thinking (in most cases) about the deceased but about the people I know who are dead and then I get upset as I miss them and I am thinking about them and well, I have no problem crying at funerals – in fact that is another reason I avoid funerals. I tend to get very emotional (yes I can cry at a dog food commercial given the right time of the month and such - LOL) But, I do not like getting emotional in front of people. Yes I know it is expected at these events (that people are upset and emotional) and people understand but still….

Wakes are a little more I think what I believe in. In terms of what I want for my funeral – well I do not care and would rather not waste the money and time on one… but again a funeral, IMO is not what I want – I am outta there, it is about what those left want. So I guess I'd make sure there is some money around so people can do something if they want but if they just had me cremated and scattered the ashes somewhere that'd be ok. I'd prefer not to have a plot or a hole in a wall or whatever but again sometimes people who are still living need those things.

On the flip side, I do realize funerals and death mean a lot of things for a lot of people and people work through certain topics in a lot of different ways. So I would never ever think anything but good things if I was on the receiving line and someone came to the funeral – I know how hard it is for me to show so I would respect that they came and appreciate that they showed – I would also appreciate and respect just as much those who did not come… which again goes back to my view of the thing….

I have been through a few funerals, on both sides (being part of the funeral so to speak and just attending). My mother is gone as is my mother-in-law, grandmother, father-in-law (my father too but he is a scumbag and the person I to this day hate the most and well the old saying piss on a grave would be too good for him – again another very long story) – but I do try to stay away.

For instance, I really would not have attended my father-n-law's funeral – he really was not into the death thing either. But oh the scandal on my ex's family side if I had not shown. Seriously, the wife of another sibling did not show as well as their kids and fuck they still bring that up and talk about it (funny the brother of father-in-law dies a few months later and she ended up going – I did not…) and well there's an example of one of the reasons why I hate these things – and to top that off – he almost was not allowed to be buried with other family because of the fact he had divorced my ex's mother and the church frowns on that and they (they being the father-in-law and his wife) had to get these documents and such and still almost was not allowed to be buried with his family – how messed up is that???? Anyways……..

So if I do go to a funeral it is not, to be honest, going to be because I thought highly and want to honor the deceased, it is because I think highly and care for the ones still living.

Funny, for me this act/part of death seems more to me to be about the living than the dead…

I think I'd rather spend time playing in the park....