Friday, December 30, 2005

PLaygrounds and Funerals

an entry about something I like and something I hate

I was driving today to drop off T at my ex's (I had an enjoyable morning playing Dragons and Princesses and the like in a park playground and anyone watching would have had a hard time finding the adult in the crowd – lol) I love playgrounds and was all over the equipment as much as the 5 year old and other kids :-D Tire swings, wooden draw bridges that bounce and all sorts of slides – ooooooooo I drool... yes I like to play – hehe

Anyhoo – as I was driving - I passed an Episcopal church. There were three bagpipers out front playing bagpipes and as I passed I realized from the hearse and other cues, it was a funeral. And that got me to thinking about that particular event.

Actually been thinking about death and similar subjects for a bit – Thanks to a sister and her actions of late, a whole bunch of nightmares and very depressing dreams of late and throw in the fact I tend to get into a very blue funk this time of year anyways ( long story regarding that - perhaps another time).

But I revisiting my thoughts on funerals as I drove by. I personally believe funerals have nothing directly to do with or benefit the deceased, they are merely activities for the living. I know there is the honor their memory and pay tribute aspect – but what the hoo does the deceased care about those ideals?

These things end up being a combination of a few things – people who need the time to reflect about the deceased (but why gather everyone in a somber setting where most people feel uncomfortable, nervous, worry about what they are wearing, doing or saying as much as thinking about the deceased anyway and spend a ton of money on the event to do that when there are lots of other ways to think about the person who is gone?).

Or perhaps it is to show how much of an impact the person had (so if 50 people go to person A's funeral and 5 to person B does that mean person A made more of an impact, was better loved, was… what does it really mean??)

I really don’t like funerals (not saying anyone except Harold and Maude do… but). I really try to go out of my way not to go (I am anti-Harold and Maude if you will).

So much of the time funerals end up being a... well weird, uncomfortable and maybe even for many there would have been a lot of ways the time could have been better used/spent. (Go volunteer for the time and donate the money to a charity for instance). From the money and time spent planning the whole shebang, to usurping a person's time worrying about where to bury who and is it politically correct to put them on the left side of this person or on the right or fighting over what crappy color to buy the coffin in or I want him to wear this but my sibling wants him buried in that……

So I am the one who will volunteer to watch the kids or keep the office running or something else instead of attending a funeral. I only go to funerals for the living and to honor them and support them. And usually I really do not know those people – a lot of the funerals people end up at are painful either because you know the deceased intimately and are reminded each time someone says "I am sorry for your loss" that shit they are gone. Or painful because you do not really know the person (it was a friend of the family or your partner or someone at work or such) and you feel awkward and try to figure out what to say and end up saying I am sorry for your loss and peace and blessings and such...

I mean when I have attended these things in the past what happens… I end up getting dressed in uncomfortable clothes, sitting or standing or such through a ceremony, shake a hand and hug people having little idea what to say and feeling uncomfortable with most of what ends up coming out of my mouth being trite and something to pass the moment and then what happens…

I feel really morose and bad as I spend the entire ceremony not thinking (in most cases) about the deceased but about the people I know who are dead and then I get upset as I miss them and I am thinking about them and well, I have no problem crying at funerals – in fact that is another reason I avoid funerals. I tend to get very emotional (yes I can cry at a dog food commercial given the right time of the month and such - LOL) But, I do not like getting emotional in front of people. Yes I know it is expected at these events (that people are upset and emotional) and people understand but still….

Wakes are a little more I think what I believe in. In terms of what I want for my funeral – well I do not care and would rather not waste the money and time on one… but again a funeral, IMO is not what I want – I am outta there, it is about what those left want. So I guess I'd make sure there is some money around so people can do something if they want but if they just had me cremated and scattered the ashes somewhere that'd be ok. I'd prefer not to have a plot or a hole in a wall or whatever but again sometimes people who are still living need those things.

On the flip side, I do realize funerals and death mean a lot of things for a lot of people and people work through certain topics in a lot of different ways. So I would never ever think anything but good things if I was on the receiving line and someone came to the funeral – I know how hard it is for me to show so I would respect that they came and appreciate that they showed – I would also appreciate and respect just as much those who did not come… which again goes back to my view of the thing….

I have been through a few funerals, on both sides (being part of the funeral so to speak and just attending). My mother is gone as is my mother-in-law, grandmother, father-in-law (my father too but he is a scumbag and the person I to this day hate the most and well the old saying piss on a grave would be too good for him – again another very long story) – but I do try to stay away.

For instance, I really would not have attended my father-n-law's funeral – he really was not into the death thing either. But oh the scandal on my ex's family side if I had not shown. Seriously, the wife of another sibling did not show as well as their kids and fuck they still bring that up and talk about it (funny the brother of father-in-law dies a few months later and she ended up going – I did not…) and well there's an example of one of the reasons why I hate these things – and to top that off – he almost was not allowed to be buried with other family because of the fact he had divorced my ex's mother and the church frowns on that and they (they being the father-in-law and his wife) had to get these documents and such and still almost was not allowed to be buried with his family – how messed up is that???? Anyways……..

So if I do go to a funeral it is not, to be honest, going to be because I thought highly and want to honor the deceased, it is because I think highly and care for the ones still living.

Funny, for me this act/part of death seems more to me to be about the living than the dead…

I think I'd rather spend time playing in the park....

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Fun times

Hey sisters - remember this trip? Can not wait to go somewhere and have some more fun (just a couple of weeks) - will post pictures of crazy adventures - I promise :)

End of work week and Furbies in the aisles of Wal-Mart

Wow – made it through the work week – I actually still have projects to complete and will end up being busy next week (on the plus side I was asked by a national organization to be on a committee to redo their curriculum – that's cool that they want to have me help…) – luckily only three days of work and only about 20 people in the whole building (only 12 month staff have to come in next week and then a number of them take off). Plus the tech department is taking the server down much of the week for upgrades – so – even though easy week it will still have lots of cleaning projects (and lots of office chair relays down the empty halls – wheeeeeeeeeeeeee)

But then I have from the 30th through Jan. 9 off – I took a long vacation. Still working on what exactly to do during that vacation…. Better be something fun and more than hanging around cleaning and maybe painting or such – blech who needs work and home improvement when there is fun to be had, I just know it is out there… it is calling someone else's name but eh I will figure out a way to get into the corner and at least watch – that's what I do well.

I got a Furby for daughter and I must have looked like a dork getting it – here I am standing in Walmart last night going through the place (which looked like a tornado hit – I mean there were feminine products and other eww yucky things in the toy section someone had just stuffed there – niceeeeeeeeeeeee) but anyhoo I found the last handful of Furbies and I am standing in the aisle punching these things in the stomach and listening to the question and then trying to respond to make sure they are working.

So I am holding this bastard child looking doll of a Gremlin, ET and lord knows what other unholy union and shouting YES! Like a million times. See you talk to it and it is supposed to react to what you say. And in demo mode the question it asks is if you want to be its friend. If you answer no then you scar the damn thing for life and it gets sad and cries and all this stuff and that is all I need to give my 5 year old for Christmas is an emotionally scarred toy… scarring for life is something for her future partner down the road to handle…..

So I keep saying yes, but the damn thing does nothing. So then I try louder and louder and suddenly I am sounding like the Herbal Essences commercial (the ads where the women sound like Sally from "When Harry met Sally" reenacting the climax scene – YES! YES! YES!)

So picture if you will a grown (but short) woman in the toy aisle punching this butt-ugly hairy doll in the stomach and shouting yes. Then doing it again and then picking up another toy and doing it again – I swear I am lucky I was not hauled off for fondling the Furby (Oh man that sounds like a porn flick title or something – shudders and shivers and bad, bad mental image right now…)

Talk about mental images and bad places… I should come out to my friend (I have like three friends here in NJ total so would not be a lot of work to do but I really keep my personal choices to myself in that area).

So now the one person inviting my daughter and I to Xmas dinner so I am not alone (well at least not alone for the span of dinner – I have been realizing this week what alone means and well my thoughts on that should fill another blog – anyhoo). She invites me and then starts telling me about her co-worker she invited who is also going through a messy separation and is alone and all this stuff – I am like – GREAT I have one friend here in NJ, she invites me for dinner and then is trying to fix me up, but with the member of the wrong sex… I think I am going back to Walmart to play with the Furbies…..

Oh well life's a melding box of intersecting pathways and I shall see where mine goes… speaking of which still trying to decide what escapist thing to do for my vacation – need to do something – need - a change and to explore – just still not fixed on what (especially since it looks like it will be just me traveling and I know that is not really safe)– I think I'll do my really long walk tomorrow on the boardwalk – perhaps that will help clarify things – or at least in the cold give me a runny nose - lol

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

This and that

I have been messing around with MySpace - I need to get the software used to program different blogging programs - and no I am not talking about the HTML stuff - I need to learn a bit more about the blogging software that actually creates the environment as a lot of busimesses now create their own intrablog system. I also need to learn more of the programming code and such used for fax machine and cellphone interaction with the web - would be good to know for the different classes here at the school (the computer tech, business tech, graphic art and marketing career classes all touch on these subjects somewhat) plus I am curious about how to program things for those items.

I really need to stop being so absent minded - I found I had put my bag of tortilla chips in the fridge instead of the cupboard as well as a few other very spacy and dorky activities I have caught myself doing :0D

Work was incredibly busy - I thought the week before xmas break was supposed to be easy - everyone keeps coming up with projects - today i was teaching students Publisher and Powerpoint, collected all of the individual student files into one powerpoint to be shown later. Then I taught a teacher how to create PowerPoint, another teacher I had a web design style, another teacher we worked on using a Hallmark program and digital images. Then another class came in using Publisher.

I also am working on some reports. I am the director of a ton of programs (I do about 1001 things at this school), but for one of the programs (NAF) we are having a major meeting and I need to make a very important presentation - basically the future of the program and I have to be like forceful and a director and I am not a great assertive person so my stomach is doing butterflies already and the meeting is not until Thursday - I am going to die.... well not really I just get sooo nervous...

Looking for something to do to keep my mind off certain subjects - maybe I can find some live music somewhere or something - reorganize my CDS or some other task....

Sunday, December 18, 2005

ups downs smiles frowns

Well coloring can be a very chimerical as well as soothing and tranquil activity. Of course putting together the spongebob color it yourself pineapple house which tells you to insert tab a into tab b and you spend 2 hours trying that only to finally figure out it should be tab c into tab 5 undoes the calm you had collected - but hey I like coloring ;-D

Well did my long walk yesterday albeit in a different place (walking around the neighborhoods adjacent to my car place as I waited for an oil change and for them to check it as I had run something over - luckily it only needed an alignment - I managed to get out of there with a few bucks still in my pocket).

But as I was walking I was listening to Madonna's new CD and thinking - the song (lyrics below) really swirled my mind. Couple that with my journals I have been rereading, the thoughts I have been thinking and then smother it all with the nightmares and dreams I seem to be experiencing here lately and well….

Dreams I should add that I have been remembering when I wake up, which is freaking the hell out of me as they are not good dreams - not nightmares totally just really depressing topics and things I do not want to think about asleep or awake... Many are memories of growing up or things I am afraid will happen or that are not happening to me…

But the lyrics and the song along with everything else seems to be kicking me into places I am not sure is really good to go but it is happening anyway....

I realized, among other things, while I am not a social butterfly. (I tend not to jump right into conversations or groups, fade to the back, I'm very content to listen, I'll skip social events, parties and such often because I am nervous or scared about interacting) well I also realized I like being around people – I am an introvert who likes extrovert environments - If that makes sense – which it does not but best way I can explain me….

And I think that is where some of my unrest and unhappiness, depression and feeling like I am missing something and wanting to find someone and all of that comes from, well a chunk of it anyways

I have been kinda alone in terms of having someone(s) to hang around with, share stuff with, explore with and all that for the last almost two years (save for that that pesky, wonderful little kid of mine, a sister that refuses to stop being my best friend although she is across the continent and a small handful of friends, 90% who are online meaning I have like two people actually here that I do anything with and one of those is my ex and I do not hang around too much any more as his girlfriend is around more and the other is a 5 year old…. I don’t make friends easily and even at work they are people I see during the work day and that is it…..)

well I need someone – There it is I admit it….

ok some people do the hermit thing very well. Some are individuals and would be peachy 100% of the time with the routine I have - and do not get me wrong – I am not bad off overall.

Also, I am not a needy, needy, clingy person... trust me my ex taught me how to be alone (that sounds nasty but not really meant to be - more bitter I suppose - but I worked days, ex worked nights and well in any given year we were together I could count on two hands with fingers left over the times we came together in any sort of really physical interaction (and that includes cuddling and physical companionship not just the wonderful world of sex).

So really I learned to be independent and can do that - but I just want to have someone to share things with and do things with and my brain is soo damn multitasking all the time I am well, I guess I need someone - not to keep me entertained per se, just someone to share entertainment with to come up with ideas for doing something... shit someone just to sit in a room with and know they are sitting there because you are sitting there and they want to be around you...

Someone to talk to with out being in a crowd or worried about what you are saying or go out to a movie or figure out what the heck to do on a Thursday night or to explore – oh man to explore… cause in this world it is not safe to explore too much alone any more….. So friends, lovers, something in-between I guess my mind/self would like to find someone and the longing and bitching I do stems from that –

Yes I do tend to go on and moan and groan and well crap off and stop reading if it bugs you cause well, cause well eh it is a way to release the feelings and get them out and somehow I think in this big world I am not the only one to feel that way – which for all of you out there HUGS and SORRIES IT IS A BITCH but there are the ups and smiles in with the downs and frowns so hang in there…:^D

But eh, there is someone (so my sister says) who will find me or I will find... However, friends and such are very hard for me to find/make/etc. so we shall see. But here's to hoping and trying to find friends as I know, you gotta be a friend to find a friend – sigh – blech and phooey – ok I'll try to remember I'll be ok no matter what and there are lots of ways to have a nice day so going to look for that friend I know has to be out there – she's out there somewhere…

I will keep a measure of patience and fantasies (Wah-hoo for fantasies of all kinds ;-) lol) to temper my sadness and longing, until then - I'll keep thinking...

Madonna from confessions - a song that is making me think - too much making me think (actually Get Together from same album fits too but will save you from any more lyrics for now)


There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump

We learned our lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see


Are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste

All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own

I can make it alone [repeat]
(my sisters and me)

[Chorus X2]

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The nice things

Thank you nikki - sometimes the little things mean the most - the box came at the right time - you are awesome and a great person - thanks for making my day a lot better :-D

Tracker and Hunter Chapter 3

check story page for other chapters

Chapter 3 of Hunter/Tracker series

Fill of Love

Time: Before the current story time

She'd been staring, no mesmerized, actually maybe leering would be an even better descriptor. Ever since Barbara has removed the injured woman's jacket and blouse leaving her in her bloodied silk bra, Sherri had not wavered or moved from the side of the bed as she gazed down at Jaden.




longer pause no sound comes from the room


The sharp staccato sound of the Guder's voice coupled with her code name drew her attention, somewhat, as she looked over at Barbara.

"I said I need to get a few more items, it looks like the bullet only grazed her shoulder and should only require a few stitches. Can you check her over to make sure she has no other injuries besides the bullet wound and the knot where you hit her," Barbara paused and made a face still not believing Jaden had panicked and decided to knock out an Enforcer's organizer.

"I did not panic, it was the only way to stop her from getting hurt, from her taking me in and blowing everything and besides it was dark…" Sherri almost started a pout.

"I did not say you pan…"

"You were thinking it, I can tell. Your brow scrunches up and your tongue starts to stick out when you think like that."

"It does not," the squad leader retorted even as her brow scrunched up.

Sherri pointed at Barbara's face, "Point to the brunette in the corner. You do too." Smiling suddenly, Sherri acted with out thinking and reached out to trace the scrunched brow.

Surprised and excited by the touch, Barbara felt her brow relax at the smooth stroke and smiled a little glad for once they were actually having a decent conversation. "Now, please check her over and I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

Taking her hand back slowly, surprised at her action, Sherri nodded and watched her captain move out. She treated the red-head to almost as intense stare as she'd gifted Jaden with earlier.

As soon as she was out of the room, Sherri turned and just stared down, "Okay check her out. I can do that." She started looking not moving anything other than her eyes.

"Well she did want her checked out," using that as an excuse, Sherri tentatively reached out and touched Jaden's upper arm. She found the pale skin to be warm to the touch and found it tickled her fingertips. Wanting to lengthen the feeling, Sherri glided her fingers down Jaden's arm and felt the soft, silky surface become bumpy as the red-head's body responded automatically.

Pulling back Sherri was startled to find similar goosebumps had risen on her arm as the simple touch had turned sensual. She wanted to have her body shiver like that again.

"Just checking, but hard to see up here." Sherri again used her own special brand of logic to justify her next action as she bent down, her face almost touching the red-head's bare skin as she breathed in exhilarated at how the overwhelming scent of the agent was intoxicating and arousing.

She flipped on the radio and slide the dial until she heard a song she likfe. As the song, "Fill of Love" filtered through the room, Sherri tried to calm her rising blood pressure.

Using her special logic to try and explain why she was acting like this, there was no reason why she should be interested in this woman, Sherri continued to move her lips, ~No just using my eyes to check for wounds, light is bad in here…~ over the woman's arms and chest. It was totally absurd that just simple touches and smells should be creating a sensation that was slowly spreading from her fingertips towards the center of her being and body. Right?

Only one other person had ever brought Sherri to these heights just from external thoughts, smells and simple stimuli. And that person would never be more than those simple thoughts. ~No I want her, I want her so much and yet she could never… I can't…~

Reaching out needing to just touch anyone to catch herself before falling into that dark place thinking about Barbara, Sherri rubbed her flattened hand over the creamy skin, as she pulled Barbara's face into her mind trying to center herself. Across the silky bra her hand continued to move as the young woman justified her acts saying she was trying to stop from going off crazed again, to not run away as Barbara pointed out she always did.

The hand stopped dead as she felt the nipple suddenly harden under her palm.

She froze not daring to breath or move and thus was thrown off balance emotionally and physically when the woman moaned and arched her back up thrusting against Sherri's hand. Sherri had a brief flash of, 'what the fuck have I gotten myself into' as she took in exactly what she must look like if anyone walked in...

She was leaning over Jaden, her face hovering above the organizer's troubled face. One hand was flattened against a breast, the nipple hard and rough pushing against the silky cloth to provide contrasting sensations against her palm. And to top it off, Jaden's upward motion had started Sherri tipping forward and her other hand had decided it wanted equal breast time and without consulting Sherri's sensible conscious mind, it had shot out to stop her from falling by just happening to rest on Jaden's other breast.

Embarrassed at her actions, Sherri tried to move away and gasped as she looked down to see a hand covering hers not letting her go and in fact pushing her hand deeper against the firm flesh.

Looking up yellow-golden eyes met deep green eyes as the feel of Jaden's silk covered flesh in her hands coupled with the scents and desperate deep need Sherri had to feel fueled her arousal changing her eyes and level of desire.

"Thank you, I don’t understand but you… I like that." Jaden's whisper was very raspy as her eyes flickered around the room trying to focus. The music filling her mind as her body pushed up more against the brunette.

The eyes held Sherri's a moment longer, and the altered human was certain the level of want in those eyes matched her own, then the eyes flickered shut, the grip relaxed and the woman slid back into unconsciousness.

Feeling the burn of desire mix with the heat of shame as her fake logic broke down revealing the real motivation guiding her actions to be simple sexual tension and the fact Sherri found Jaden attractive, the brunette moved back just staring at the woman as Barbara walked back into the room.

She could sense something had happened, "Sher?"

The Hunter looked at Barbara her sight, eyes and body still augmented, still coursing with heat and want. "Why?" She whispered. "Just for once why can't we be allowed to… you and… chances taking too many chances. Well fuck logic…"

She turned away then closing her eyes, working to control her feelings. "She doesn’t have any other injuries." Her voice was emotionless and official. She knew her eyes where back to their haunted blue.

Barbara was overcome with the heavy air in the room and the outburst. "Maybe I should, I just don't know how."

Sherri focused on the bedspread. "A wise teacher once told me anyone can learn. The trick is to finding a teacher,"

"Who is two parts ignorant of the game, two parts charlatan and 110% more patient than Job." Barbara continued.

"Cause a student like you would have made the book of Job a lot shorter." They both finished together.

"I don't think we can…"

Sherri cut her off, "No we haven't been doing very well. Maybe we both need to find a new teacher, something, someone to kick us in the butts… show us a new way up this fucking mountain we made out of the company's molehill."

She left the last part unsaid but they both finished the thought the same way in their minds ~Before we end up falling down the mountain for good.~

"So we both go back to school…"

"Does that scare you Barb?"

"To Hell and back, you?"

"I'm right on your tail." She reached out then and shakily held out her hand, afraid of being denied yet again.

Barbara sat there, the logical side asserting itself, professionalism and being the reserved thinking one, years of telling herself Sherri was something special but not for her, a hundred other excuse all weighing her hand down. Too much to overcome, she started to look away her hands still clasped in her lap.

She felt Sherri's hand, heart and mood dropping in response to her denial when suddenly Organizer Jaden groaned loudly and twisted. Startled both woman shot out a hand to aid and sooth the woman and were startled when their hands collided and were ensnared in Jaden's arm as the injured woman twitched again.

Holding tight to both women and not daring to let go, Sherri smiled and used her other hand to do something Barbara used to do to her, something that made the brunette feel safe when nothing else did. She ran her fingers through Jaden's hair brushing back the damp, sweaty bangs some. "I miss that you know." Sherri said from the corner of her mouth as she watched Jaden settle back against the bed.

"I miss doing it, touching…" Barbara stopped again her deep reserve and the fact that she had stopped letting people touch her both physically and emotionally over the years swimming up and smothering her. "Old habits,"

"Die hard, yeah, yeah yeah but they can die. Just gotta let them go."

"We both have a lot of letting go to do." Barbara replied and squeezed Sher's hand. "Speaking of which I need you to let go so I can sew her up and then you can take her back to her place. They provided an address."

"Business as usual?" Sher said wondering if the small step she thought they had taken had been a goof, fluke, imagination.

"Yes," she replied keeping her tone warm but hard. "But Sherri,"

The brunette looked at Barbara intensely, "I'm willing to be scared, to learn, just help me find a way."

Turning her body, signaling the end for now of this line of thought and discussion, she then started preparing the medical supplies as Sherri was quiet and thoughtful. She absently smoothed the bangs back once more and then moved to help her mentor, and… and maybe someday more, her brain added, able to allow that glimmer of hope for the first time in a long time.

~Just gotta find the right thing to kick us in the butts, to make her and me let go, something to be a teacher. damn when did I get so mature and responsible and thoughtful…~ She paused watching both Jaden and Barbara, ~When I finally woke up and realized I want to feel…~

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

OMG it is one of the signs of the second coming

Just a short note (yes I know people are shaking their heads not sure they read(heard) that right). Trying to keep afloat in the end of the year, semester and everything times. And finding it extremely hard to do that well. So searching for ways to do that properly, successfully and basically without so much hurt and other non-happy thoughts.

Have an office party tomorrow - my boss holds it every year for her department - which I can not attend because I have to attend an all day workshop on bringing AP Science classes to our school - story of my life right now (not that I have a social life anyhoo - lol). Damn I like to write I need to write better chapters for that story... but finished wrapping the pollyanna goft for the party - I went with making a stress relief kit full of wacky stuff. silly stuff and very nonpractical - ironic in that i could probably stand to use the kit myself - ah well

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I admit it – I like NYC

Okay just got back from a bus trip to New York City and call me crazy – I fucking love that place. Some of the people asked on the trip – would you really consider living in the city and yeah, I would. The people, culture, crowds, incredible amount of things to do and see and hear and smell and touch and taste.

If I did not have to worry about certain things…

The trip was good – the bus dropped the group off about 3 hours before the musical. A small group of us walked around loking at Times Square – went to see the tree and all the craziness there – spongebob, Grinch, Scooby Doo, santa, hello kitty and other characters were all walking around – if I had a camera I so would have had my picture taken.

Then we ate at this deli where up stairs this weird person kept falling asleep at this table but in between times when they like zoned out, they would come awake and were counting a lot of money, but the money was hidden on a chair - I could se it form my seat and they had a cell phone texting someone. But they did it all slow and weird and stuff…. Hmm wonder where all that money came from and why they were acting zoned out... :P But the chedder and veggie burger was good and I and this other person were adventerous and dared to by a wrapped unmarked baked good that looked like a homemade version of a fig newton - no one else in the group dared eat it I was like ah well - the bus has a bathroom in it - lmao...

The musical was great - Fiddler on the Roof with Rosie O'Donnell and Harvey Fierstein and I enjoyed the stage arrangement and overall the structure of the Minskoff theater.

I got a cool present for myself – a Seasons of Love Medallion from the musical Rent

It says seasons of love and rent on the front and has in a circle around that the names of four of the songs – on the back are the lyrics to most of the song of Seasons of Love – it is so cool and seasons of Love is just about one of my all time favorite songs. That was a good find – because now when I get lonely or thinking about depressing things or not having someone around – I will try looking at the medallion and thinking that I have a lot of moments and one moment I will find someone.

It looks like travel plans will be for the week after New Years – gotta submit my vacation day form Monday. So going for Jan 2 – 9 – Still looking at Memphis or maybe go to Universal – since no one else can go, eh, we'll see what fortune brings my way…

Monday, December 05, 2005

Phobias and over-reactions

A couple of definitions to begin

A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.

A strong fear, dislike, or aversion.

Source: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition
Copyright 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
An intense, abnormal, or illogical fear of a specified thing: xenophobia.

[Late Latin, from Greek -phobi, from phobos, fear. See bhegw- in Indo-European Roots.]

Source: The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

A persistent, abnormal, or irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid the feared stimulus.

Source: The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary
Main Entry: pho·bia
an exaggerated and often disabling fear usually inexplicable to the subject and having sometimes a logical but usually an illogical or symbolic object, class of objects, or situation —compare COMPULSION, OBSESSION

Source: Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

n : an anxiety disorder characterized by extreme and irrational fear of simple things or social situations; "phobic disorder is a general term for all phobias" [syn: phobic disorder, phobic neurosis]

Source: WordNet 2003 Princeton University

Well, alright, I admit it – I have a bit of a phobia and bad quirk – I'm afraid really of driving in the snow. I am not afraid of snow. Heck someday I would love to try skiing, ice skating, snowboarding and other assorted winter sports (none of which I have ever done – I need to find someone willing to be patient, show me tricks and laugh incredibly long when I land on my ass, and then be willing to go get hot tea or cocoa or coffee - well for them coffee I have never had coffee)

But driving in snow – growing up in Arizona and Florida I really did not experience snow and we never could afford trips anywhere so really when I came to Philadelphia that was my first major experience with snow.

Considering I did not really learn to drive until I came to the east Coast (short story - yes we had a car growing up for all of two weeks – ahhh welfare, having a mom who was blind, no father at all and thus no car - longer story, ask me sometime if you wanna know the odd quirks of life :-P

anyhoo – I did not drive again til getting to Philadelphia and so I've driven on snow only a few times and I admit – I am as much a hazard as the snow.

See I get very nervous and go slow and can not turn well and all that. So I get these fucking SUVs, trucks, vans and such behind me flashing their lights, tailing me and shit and the nervous wreck factor goes up. Add to that usually they barely plow one lane out here (it does not snow a lot so they are not the best always at clearing the snow and such) so you have the tracks in front of you from the last car and then all snow - so if I tried to pull over I would never get out (I drive a Saturn SL2 – not a great snow car – before that Ford Aspire and before that Ford festiva – so never driven anything even semi good for snow).

I get really bad paranoid thinking about driving and I have had some close calls (one time I am turning real slow into work parking lot, a simple right turn, going slow, going…. Next minute I am in the middle of the huge highway in the turn lane facing the opposite way. I managed to make a now left turn into my work and made it to the bathroom before puking. Luckily the snow had stopped and after sitting hunched in a ball at my desk all day I made it home and only had to stop once as I was soooo nervous.)

Yeah I know I am pretty stupid, pathetic, whiney, over-reacting, what ever… I just can’t drive in snow – hell knowing this storm was coming today and it was supposed to start snowing at about 2pm I could not sleep right last night, honestly had nightmares and ended up leaving work earlier as I really was watching out the window for the first flake.

So I guess that is a funky quirk I have and something if you know me ya just gotta deal with ah well – so anyone wanna drive me around in the snow :-P I believe in free trade and would be willing to help out with your phobia – fairs fair (except spiders – they are up there with driving in the icky poo white stuff…)

Alright some movie/TV updates – rented (and yes as I say these two movies together people will reread and go – what the heck is that chick like to rent those items together – I tend to rent a lot of weird combinations that make the movie clerks pause, look at me, look at the title, look at me, I shrug and say, eh I', eccentric and then they laugh their butt off and say hell yes you are) but I rented Madagascar and Pistol Opera (anyone else out there ever seen that? It looked weird in the movie store so I got it – will use the snow night to curl up with some hot Lemon tea and a subtitled flick about a woman Japanese assassin trying to move up the ladder of success – ahhh warm fuzzies on a cold snowy night – lol – seriously when I read the cover it made me think of the Lucy Liu character in Kill Bill and so wondering if there is a connection so let me know if you've seen it before)

But continuing with run down – just finished L Word season 2 (yes – finally – man I wish I had Showtime as season 3 will be showing soon – I also would check out that new Sleeper Cell series). Want to see Aeon Flux and yes I want to see Rent again plus there are a few other movies coming out that I would not mind seeing – gotta get Mr. & Mrs. Smith – wanna find out if Drew Carey show is on DVD (Someone told me I should watch the entire series – ALL of them) and must pick up Absolutely Fabulous yet again (that series is like a guilty secret pleasure and secretly hits my funny bone more than I would admit in a mixed crowd – lol)

Also tomorrow going to check out Daisy Does America – yes that looks like a stupid ass reality something show but who cares – I kinda need to laugh right now as stuff has been pretty depressing and the I am in an unmotivated "I am not getting out of bed anymore" is tapping on my shoulder….. hmmm there are some other movies out there to see but I forget – eh I will find my post-it note somewhere of must see stuff – lol

Going to go and check – the snow has begun to really come down now…