just some observations

It's 1:48 am - Technically Monday morning although it still seems like Sunday, January 2, 2006. I sit here at the computer, a quilt wrapped around my shoulders as I am a little cold and I alternate between staring at the computer, trying to find something on the Internet and thinking thoughts I should not think. Wanting things I can not have. Wondering if those two actions, thinking about something, well someone, and having what I am thinking about will ever cross.

Right now I'd bet on probably not ever or for a real long time. I read the stories about people coming together, finding someone, how even a time like 11 months is a long time to be alone and here officially it will be two years in March. And unofficially I think I have been alone for a lot longer.

Funny, I have not written like this in awhile. Not in bite-size sentences with distinct beginning and ends. Not felt surprising honest yet not morosely depressed as I write about this particular subject. This is me cataloguing a moment, not waxing poetic over a state of being (well not too much).

I think sometimes everyone, or at least I know I, needs to take a moment to catalogue. Just note where they are and what they are doing. Rarely do they know who they are or why they are doing, this is cataloguing, not philosophy.

I have not turned on any music or TV or any other stimulus save the computer since I got up earlier. That is a telling statement if you know me, but again this is just a description. Well with a bit of personality injected. Even in this mode I can not excise that habit of mine completely.

I need to actually work on a few things but not motivated to do anything. I am just sitting here somewhere between bored and wishing for something to do. Well again if I am being honest and descriptive, wishing I had someone to talk to or do the activity with. I can think of a number of things actually I could, need and even want to do. I just don’t feel like doing them alone. And no that is not, again, a deep state of depression attached to that last statement. That can come another time. It is simply the truth and why I am typing this as I work to finish my low carb Mike's Lemonade instead of doing something else.

The something else ranges from putting away laundry, going to do the dishes sitting in the sink of soapy water I filled early, trying to finish putting together the box of Christmas presents for my sisters. Yes I am a tad late with that, but again the motivation has been…. Well it has been coming in infrequent spurts. I could go and type up some workshops for my main job or check my email. I put away all the Christmas stuff earlier and even exercised some today, so no need to do those activities.

I really should plan my trip for next, well technically this, week. I guess that activity is actually contributing to my lack of motivation. I am looking forward to the trip even as part of me is not enthused as it, well the trip and the thoughts coming up associated with the trip, highlights a number of things about me and where I am and what I am right now in my life.

I am alone. I mean I have people around here and there. I do occasionally interact with these people. I have three sisters and their families who are many miles away and who do not call me or I them as much as I probably should. I do have my ex (for better or worse) and daughter (she, my one sister and one other person actually are the main reason I laugh these days). I have work colleagues, although I will not see them for almost two weeks. I do not socialize really at all outside of work with any of them. Again not going into the good or bad of that, simply an observation.

And I have the people I chat with and post/write with on the Internet (the writing, chatting and social interaction keep me sane and provide a lot of motivation for me, especially the last few long and rough years as I have gone through a lot of changes both in me and my environment as well as changes in how I think, act and approach the world. Thank you, you know who you are, thank you).

So here I am sitting, listening to the silence, finishing my drink and trying to motivate myself. Writing this has helped some, really. I find writing fills a lot of the void, a void I do wish was filled talking or being or doing something with someone. But, it is not all bad. I have things around me and I am able to make it through to the next day. Even if I make it through the next day in a lackluster mood or keeping my eyes out for something to do or someone to say hi to.

That's actually a good way to approach life, eyes open and looking, hoping and trying to stay motivated, even if I feel alone. Someday, someday I'll be drinking a Mike's with someone. And writing about wishing I could go take a break – lol – ah a laugh. I knew I could pry one from my mind/lips, took awhile but I did. So I'll stop writing for now. I think I'll go read something, check the weather, I want to look up a couple of museums in the area I am going to. There are also a couple of cool places to stop along the way. Yeah, maybe I'll go take a look or maybe I'll just sit and finish my Mike's... eh...