Sunday, July 31, 2005

Nerves – turning you inside - out and I'm secretly loving it

Nerves – turning you inside - out and loving it

Yes I am an oxymoron on occasion ... a walking juxtaposition of characteristics.

See I am in many ways an introvert, somewhat shy and not to keen on public speaking and being up in front of people, not too lusting after the limelight you could say. Even speaking to someone on the phone about something gives me pause and makes me go can I do this someway else...

One reason why prefer the online world - low self esteem of my thoughts and contributions makes for not thinking I am the greatest person and so let me slink to back of room and a corner and just people watch - see there's where the counter feelings start creeping in - I am not anti-people, in fact love watching and being around people. Like going out, hanging out, listening and being in crowds - I do not need to be a hermit, or isolated, I just DO NOT LIKE TO SPEAK AND SHARE MY IDEAS.

I get very scared and nervous is too tame a word (terrified, anxious, afraid, agitated, annoyed, apprehensive, basket case, bothered, concerned, distressed, disturbed, edgy, excitable, fearful, fidgety, fitful, flustered, fussy, hesitant, high-strung, hysterical, irritable, jittery, jumpy, nervy, neurotic, on edge, overwrought, querulous, restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky, shrinking, shy, skittish, snappish, solicitous, spooked, taut, tense, timid, timorous, troubled, twitchy, uneasy, unrestful, unstrung, upset, uptight, volatile, waspish, weak, wired, worried) much more descriptive there... :-D

And yet I am in the teaching profession and in a job that requires me to interact with people in social and professional ways on a daily basis. Sometimes one-on-one and more often in small to medium and even large groups (this summer had workshops presenting to over 150 people).

When I have to give a talk, present a lesson, hold a staff meeting, my nerves get so worked up it hurts physically. Right now my stomach is doing the squeeze play (well another reason why that area and lower hurts right now too and that is not helping my mood for upcoming presentation either).

I tend to get very, very nervous before a meeting/presentation/etc. I get to where my throat closes, I can focus on not much else, sweaty palms, and all sorts of other nice little things (nightmares often thrown in for good measure).

Tomorrow is the staff meeting for the Bridging program I direct and have all of the staff coming in for all day training to prepare for the start of the program on Wednesday. Now see I get whacked and weirded thinking about what I have to do for that staff training and meeting and OMG, hyperventilating cramping up and not able to think about anything else damn it or enjoy myself as focus is on that point at 9 am where I have to do this... but after the initial five minutes into the talking thing, I often find myself shifting.

Shifting means my body goes from (and this is serious, I am like this) a state where I really have a hard time talking, I can hear myself barely over the nervousness and it is all I can do to make myself go on and not rush out puking. I almost forget what I am doing, saying and making eye contact ... it is as if I will be burned if my orbs fall on any of theirs.

Well I suddenly get into what I am saying, I slowly calm down and adjust to the room and crowd and start feeling comfortable. My body language shifts from the mouse keeping to one spot, not moving, barely speaking up, to the Speedy Gonzales where I move around, wave my arms, my voice rises and falls as I am excited or passionate about something and so on.

This happens whether I am giving a presentation, sitting at a table with a group of people just talking and interacting, whenever I have to open my mouth.

That is a good way to tell how comfortable I am. If I am okay speaking, into a topic or crowd or session, I move around. I speak loudly and quickly and I am very animated, probably too much so.

If I am uncomfortable, not sure about a topic, feel intimidated or not prepared, I stay riveted, my voice gets lower and I slow down a lot or speed up very, very fast.

So now you know when watching me give a lecture or speaking in a group how to tell my mood and level of interest in a subject ... am I Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller (lol) or Emil from the Food Network ... hehe

Whew well still nervous about tomorrow but after the first five minutes it should work okay ... oh wait I forgot something ... crappola - now I gotta go find colored dots and four questions to ask people tomorrow ... oopsie - lol

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Okay – it is official – I am losing it

Well I am too busy

Top Ten Ways You Know You Are a True Ditzy Blonde (I should collect a list of these for real - be embarrassing but funny as they have truth to them at least in my case)

Number 1 – you walk around all day wearing a blouse that has a small v-neck collar line and a few buttons backwards

Second full day back to work and it was full of getting ready for all sorts of things

One was the Bridging Program (I am the Director meaning I run the silly show which is to spend three and a half weeks with 40 of our incoming 9th graders helping them with English/Math/Study Skills). I am copying everything from evaluation forms to study skill packets to staff hand books to pre tests, etc.

Another was meeting with the QUILT team – went to Nashville with 6 other people including my boss this summer for three full days of training for this method of bringing higher level thinking skills into the classroom – everything from how you write questions to how you conduct question sessions in the classroom. Today's meeting was to find out what people thought of the training, to get them creating a brochure and display case for the school to tell others about the program and coming up with a plan for how to teach QUILT to the rest of the staff.

This means I have more work for that lovely program (my boss wants my co worker and I each month to spend two 40 minute periods with EVERY SINGLE STAFF member for training regarding this program).

I also have to design and purchase t-shirts for the staff and get support materials ordered such as quilt manuals.

Then people coming in to discuss the curriculum I am helping them review – so lots of distractions there

Plus tons of the stupid, little details like send an email here about this, send an email there about that, schedule a meeting then and so on continue to crop up – my office and the computer center are physically littered with tons and I am being serious, tons, ofpost it notes because that is the best way for me to remember

My memory is here today gone yesterday sometimes – lol

I could wall paper my office in post its

Blech and blah and whew – well I hope to really tackle curriculum this weekend and I get to wave my power wand and send out emails saying oh noticed you have not completed your curriculum, please finish, like now… lol

Hey at least I got my reimbursement forms filled out for the conferences – money back – yay

Monday, July 25, 2005

Leaving Las Vegas but still miles and miles to go

Whew – typing as I travel down I-10. About 30 miles out on Sunday night from Tucson. Got caught in a traffic gridlock – sat still for about 30 minutes and contemplated how big my bladder could really stretch. Of course going into the dark desert with truckers and others just sitting there and who knows what kinda snakes, bugs, scorpions etc made me go zen and make it until we started moving again.

Well Vegas was cool and crapped – and not the dice game. My three sisters were pissy with each other coming into this trip – mainly two – well Hurray now all three pissy with each other including the sister that seems to tolerate everything and tries to play peacemaker.

Of course she is about 7 months pregnant and damn and whoo wheeeee the hormone monster bitch came out in Vegas – I even told her off once – whew – and of course I am sharing the hotel room with them and get caught at 3:30 in the morning in a major fight between her and her husband – that was oh so fun lying in dark listening to them go at it – made me appreciate my divorce and other interests oh so much more!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of that – working on the big D – getting tired so agreed to let John file the papers and thus the IR charges against me… just not worth it – let it be done so he can marry Dorothy and have the son with her he wants……

Ended up last night watching my one sister's kids for a few hours so she and boyfriend could go to dinner. Then other two sisters and I went to Freemont Street – THAT WAS COOL!!!!!!!!!

Live music on both ends, casinos, bars, the entire area covered and every 30 minutes a laser picture light show – except for heat it was awesome - will go there again

My bottom braces broke some - the wire slipped out or something on the one end - gotta try to schedule an emergency appointment for that as I try to twist tie my mouth together to get me back to NJ - lol

Anyhoo once we got back to hotel one sister and boyfriend left to go to clubs (they got in at 5:30am whee haw) and because other sister in pissy mood with husband I went to the casino in the hotel we were staying in. I wandered into the bar lounge and caught the last set of these lounge singers.

This guy and woman. They had great voices and were funny but they were lounge singers all the way.

It was surreal – our hotel was not a fancy big one – it is the Westward Ho and pretty cheap. So I sit in front of the about half full lounge. The guy played the guitar, she the small electric synthesizer and they had a laptop karaoke machine providing the main song – they just sung and occasionally played their instruments.

Well from Brickhouse, to Margaritaville to Santana. They played some pretty good songs. Meanwhile there was a wedding party there and some of the ladies – two women got up and were putting on a bump and grind show egged on by the crowd and the drinks they were drinking – lol

Then two others got up and of course a few people rotated in and out. Some guys even tried to separate the two, but the one had an attitude and like pushed them away to keep dancing - lol - she just wanted to dance.

People were having fun and I was laughing my butt off.

Plus the two singers did comedy too and were funny. Then someone requested Tom Jones and the singer goes "I am not wearing tight enough pants and I am Mexican, come on....." So for the song he gets out this mega spotlight flashlight and goes around the audience flashing guys crotches and doing "Are you Tom Jones worthy or not worthy?" – lol

Then the last song was Tina Turner request – so they did Proud Mary – the woman singer comes out in a tina wig and starts going around the room getting people to sing – like I said surrealllllllllll.

I like live music and appreciate the small acts like that as much as the headliners – those two put on shows 5 days a week – 4 hours each day – let me see some of the priss headliners do that.......

Anyhoo – Vegas was fun and very frustrating – Monday fly out to San Diego and then to Philly to go home for a bit – but still lots of work waiting for me.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Fun, fun and witty..... in the land of sin city

Whew – drove up on Thursday with one sister and her family. We stopped at the London Bridge in Lake Havasu Arizona and then I got to see the Hoover dam – that was cool except my sister doing damn dam jokes the entire time – lol

Got to Vegas late and after checking into the Stratosphere we headed out to hit the Sahara Buffet - it was interesting walking to the casino for dinner. It is only asbout two blocks from hotel but the Strato is on the very very end of the strip so we saw a lot of interesting things in that short walk. First we had three young boys ages 3 – 9 and there are all these girlie magazines and these like, um, Hooker Ho trading cards (they are like baseball cards in size and are stiff like playing cards. They have pictures of women in NC17 poses and positions with phone numbers for a good time call type thing – ads for services) well these are EVERYWHERE

100s just on the ground, sticking in newsstands, at bus stops, anywhere they could be stuck they were sticked. So trying to keep these young boys moving – lol

then add in some homeless people bothering people and a crackhead yelling at everyone while walking in middle of road and two homeless people yelling across our group at each other as we waited for the longest red light in the world to change – lol and it was FUNNNNNN – well for me not my sister – lol

The buffet was good and then we headed back to hotel where sister's boyfriend watched the three kids so she and I could go to this one lounge in the hotel. They had live music – the band was awesome playing Motown to some current stuff (Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Barry White, Gloria Estefan, Santana, Ricky Martin and more).

The one male singer kept walking in the audience and made my sister sing "What's Going On" with him – she died..... I laughed my ass off for a very a long time... still am - started humming the song today just to tease....

Then these two guys come in – one looks like a Hulk Hogan blonde biker complete with a flag bandana over his head and the other was prolly in 50s as had short hair cut mostly grey. The second gut was like really drunk – he was also very loud and having a GAY ole time and I do mean gay… he talked a lot to my sister and was talking to the band's lead male singer (the band had both male and female which was cool). The guy also thought the guitar player was singing only to him which was a hoot – he also kept trying to dance and I do mean trying – he was having fun though and that is what counts!

Friday walked around the strip some while my sister and her family went swimming (I did not bring my suit) and then we went up to the top of the Stratosphere about 110 levels up – it has an observation deck and that was cool.

Then we went to the Hilton and ate at Quarks and looked at the Star Trek exhibit – did not do the rides, I'll do those next time – trying to spend time with family.

Then my other two sisters got to town and the crap began. We went to the Westward ho where I am staying and checked in. Then walked down to Caesars trying to meet my other sister. Was having trouble finding them sister with her family (the other two did not bring their kids – just husband for one and the other's boyfriend). Well was not connecting with the one sister so we stopped in this seahorse lounge and while my one sister and her boyfriend gets a bunch of drinks we wait to connect with other sister.

It was funny – I ordered a bottle of water from the bar thinking I'd get a regular bottle of water and such. They bring this big looks like a can of hairspray bottle and charge us 5 bucks for it – it was a glass bottle with water from Norway – lol But finally we are going to meet the other sister and that is when things get really tense….

Two of my sisters are fighting bigtime. But sister one said fine I will hang with sister two. Well sister two is the drama queen and the ME WANT ATTENTION and all that shit. So then she starts making with the playact and this and that. We started walking trying to find a place to eat.

We went into one casino but did not like the places to eat. Instead of trying to stick with us and work it out – drama queen sister says she and boyfriend are going can not take it and so they leave.

The rest of us ended up at the Stardust and had a nice meal. Unfortunately my third sister who is also pregnant gets stuck in middle and starts crying all the time because she hated them fighting. But for once we did not give other sister attention so hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I promised drama queen sister I would go to Coyote Ugly with her (she drinks and clubs wayyyy tooooo much) but that is what she wanted to do with me…. Should be fun, I hope.

But plan on hitting other end of strip during day - staying inside a lot it has been up to 120 here plus humid.

So enjoying the city some – even with all the drama, intrigue, and people – OMG I love watching the people – this is a people watching city and I am loving it - lol

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Too Busy to scratch my Butt and too depressed to care if I do or not


Julie's summer concert tour continues - lol

Finished visiting Graceland and Memphis and pulled into Opryland and Nashville for the high schools that work conference.

Highlights there included
  • presenting first workshop that had 60 seats we handed out 100 handouts and had people standing on shoulders to get in - I was so nervous I almost puked but we managed to get them up and moving - I got to boss all these people around and sounded smart doing it.
  • Next presentation was the Titanic presentation (not on the titanic it was on how our school used the programs to succeed) I am referring to a workshop that had me highly strung out. I was told the Friday before we left that I would be presenting. I was given a handout not with the whole powerpoint but only my slides. We never ONCE practiced the presentation as a group and I later learned the others did not even do a total formal run through. Once there I learned we had 53 slides, four with video clips and many with music and only 60 minutes to present - I and another had bets as to how far in the slides we would really get - I won.... then because we are behind - the one presenter takes over and does not even have the principal come back up for his last part instead grabbing control.

But then I am finding this person is actually been slowly and sneaky grabbing more and more control and in fact the principal at the talk introduced her using my title - she really has been moving into doing more and more or trying to do more of some parts of my job - some other things that happened at this conference and comments and just things I am watching really makes me think she is trying to advance in the school and there is a strong possibility it is my job or such she is advancing towards.

  • Presented next workshop and only had to deal with about 15 people - I breathed
  • Actually attended some workshops and did other work for the school while here
  • Had an online friend tell me about how they heard on a radio show people stash porn stuff under the beds in hotels - so do I look - of course - I mean I had been telling her how I always check the bible and book of Mormon and either leave a paper note with a funny saying or sign any notes I find - I have left a few and found a few - anyways I lift my mattress in this swanky hotel (100s of dollars per night) and in the middle is an empty package for some sex product which I still have no idea from the shape of the package and titles what it was only it was a Swedish Erotic product with a name.... so that was funny and the online friend made my day and kept me from getting to depressed - because
  • Got to see Fantastic Four movie - BITCHIN' I liked it wah hoo - anyway get call walking from movie theater back to hotel from ex - he decided to start the divorce papers going, contacted a lawyer and was working on drafting the passage for the irreconcilable differences passage thing that must exist cause in NJ to divorce you must be separated over 18 months or one person must file these charges (stating the marriage has to be ended because cruel things essentially happened)

he is in a rush because of taxes but also he is serious about his girlfriend - which he also told me about on the phone that he was getting serious, but then he tells me he is just filing the passage against me - at first we had discussed duel filling but that means more lawyers and papers - but the things - to read them - it hurts really bad and really got to me -

Just the divorce and then this and there are other personal issues making me depressed I am trying not to think about or care about and so trying to pull myself up by boot strap and this comes along - that made rest of conference and even up to now and still will for awhile very hard to make it through day - I am tried of crying and feeling like this but my thoughts just fuel the mood

  • Presented another workshop with over 120 people in attendance - that one we messed up the handout, I was ultra nervous and had the bad news mentioned in previous bullets more on my mind than presentation - but we got over 30 requests for more information (which means more work but hey... I thrive on stress

In fact I am convinced stress is now a major food group I subsist on as well as wacko cat naps and sleeping patterns

  • Attended a session saturday morning was on plane by 2 and in San Diego by 9pm July 16 saturday for next conference

Next conference was National Academy Foundation - again a program for the high school - we have two academies academy of finance and academy of travel and tourism - adding Information technology this year which means lots of work because

I was just asked to be director of all academies and really get them going because the last three years the teachers pieced them together but they have not been supported well

So I spent conference learning how to be a Director, how to get the third academy started -

Attended a few workshops (a good one on planning a student conference and another helping prepare seniors for the world of credit cards and debt)

Organized meetings with attendees during conference to discuss ow we bring this back to school (and typed up lots of documents for those meetings and in general)

Did tour around the GasLamp District which I liked including eating and listening to jazz and Croce's restaurant.

Flew out this morning to come to Tucson to deal with sisters (two who will not even be in same room and have other hangups as well and one who is 6 months pregnant, very hormonal, very motherly and stuck in middle) - still can not get those two in same place - we drive tomorrow to Vegas and will stay through Sunday (yes first thing I do is check mattresses - lol)

plan on having a Vegas update on my tour as well as more Tucson highlights - then I fly back Monday to San Diego (had to because of way I had to get plane tickets because of conferences) and then back to NJ Tuesday morning at 5am and I go into work yes I am a sadist when it comes to work

Other things include just got accepted to create an online course - computer programming using Java for an online high school and starting Jan I will have high school students and teach the course - whew back to teaching high school again - plus will have my community college classes and all the other work

I'm getting depressed, blech, down and busy although on other foot I make sure to add distractions like music concerts and many of the things I do for work are very interesting - just busy

eh well I will survive and focus on the stuff that makes me laugh and just try to ignore the bad thoughts, the things i can not have and the shitty stuff we wade through - accept it, deal and look for the upside

It all works out in the end - just sometimes I wish I had the express elevator not the 101 steps - lol

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Road Trippin along day 1

Road Trippin Along


-- Lightening bug swarm making me think I am taking off into hyperspace (driving through NJ cow country and that was so totally cool – I was zooming – made me think of time I first saw lightening bugs in Ohio visiting grandma – Arizona too hot really for them)

-- Eating hominy and yummy southern food at the Casey Jones museum and restaurant

-- Seeing Aardvark roadkill (yes you read that right and no I can not believe I saw that either – all stiff and weird that is now the weirdest roadkill I have ever seen - tops the deer someone stuck tennis shoes on)

-- 20 hours driving straight through on the road and no hallucinations or mass murder tendencies – goooooooo meeeeeeeee

-- Not too much rain – only saw about three arks floating by :-D

-- Going to sleep at 5pm (cause of long drive) and getting up at 11 to find bed next to mine not slept in and the person I came down with nowhere in sight (she is sitting in the van we drive parked outside the room even as we speak without her phone, purse (maybe she has her wallet) and no computer – no idea what she doing out there I did not look too hard – do I really wanna know? LOL – actually hmmm is my breath that bad? I looked and she is asleep in the driver's side…. Did I drive her out there? Hmmmm a mystery of a human quirk already on my first day

-- Online chat with online buddy about the sexual dark side and activities of different cereal mascots and noticing how so many of those mascots have double entendre meanings, sexual connotations or seem to be a really bad drug trip hallucination someone got paid to write about (shudders at the creep leprechaun) here is an excerpt – a disturbing excerpt from the convo

ME: hey there working?
ONLINEFRIEND: hey still working
ONLINEFRIEND: so sup with you?
ME: not much got some sleep checking a few things then back to bed
ME: we are doing graceland in morning
ME: trying to figure out my room mate - lol - I went to bed around 5 something
ONLINEFRIEND: you just get there?
ME: we had been driving a long tme
ME: no we've been here a bit
ME: but she was still working on the computer
ME: as I went to bed we're sharing a room just for tonight
ME: and well I got up about 30 minutes ago and like her bed is still made
ME: I go um ok
ME: lol
ME: and then note her phone and purse and computer still here
ME: hmmmm
ME: so I look outside see van - don't have glasses but thought she was in there
ME: ok whatever
ME: a bit later peek out again
ME: she is asleep in the driver's side
ME: hmmmm okkkkkk
ME: lmao
ONLINEFRIEND: did you wake her?
ME: I will go out after signing off and scare her and wake her up
ME: make sure she is ok
ME: no I did not go out yet
ME: no idea why she is there
ONLINEFRIEND: yaa be bad if she was dead or something
ME: oh great
ME: thanks
ME: shit now I gotta go look out the window
ONLINEFRIEND: oops did I freak you out?
ME: yes
ME: brb
ME: ok
ME: I think I saw her move
ME: hehe
ME: maybe she'll come in in a minute
ONLINEFRIEND: hmm so no ceral rapist murder or nothing.
ME: the room may have been too weird or something
ME: um no none of the serial stuff I hope
ME: geez
ONLINEFRIEND: um no cereal
ME: although this is a crappy kinda motel 6
ME: haha
ME: hehe
ME: I know
ME: I was being snobbish
ONLINEFRIEND: as in raping Cap'n Crunch.
ME: and correcting you
ME: and ewwwww
ME: what?
ME: the image of someone taking cap n cruch up the butt is gross ONLINEFRIEND thanks
ONLINEFRIEND: "Who da Cap'n now, bitch?"
ME: oh gawd
ONLINEFRIEND: "Who yo Cap'n?!"
ONLINEFRIEND: and you are so laughing right now. I can tell.
ME: you are lucky she is out in car
ME: lol
ONLINEFRIEND: hmm why is that?
ONLINEFRIEND: cause you laughing so hard?
ONLINEFRIEND: tears running down your face yet?
ONLINEFRIEND: "Yaaarrrrr.... gimmie your coco puffs."
ME: no because I'd be blushing sooo bad right now
ME: stop that
ONLINEFRIEND: "I be yer fruity pebble."
ME: although some how making bad pun about sugar smacks asnd that hopped up toad might fit here too
ME: you know a lot of cereal mascots might actuaslly be
ME: drug hallucinations
ME: someone got paid for
ME: lmao
ME: that creepy leprechaun
ME: yellwo stars
ME: green clovers
ME: shit that is in my head again
ME: damnnnnnn itttttt
ME: :-P
ME: I am in middle of memphis
ME: a crappy hotel
ME: travel mate sleeping in van
ME: ok this is not quite the normal road trip
ONLINEFRIEND: so which cereal mascot would you see as being the daddy?
ME: the daddy? hm that is a great question of the day
ME: I'll open my workshop that way

  • -- Music History and such tomorrow- yay then torture of workshops Wednesday boooo – I gotta work {whines} awwwwww mannnnn

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Almost time

Whew running around like crazy - leave tomorrow (glances at clock) - oh shit that's today - lol leave today at 6pm -

18 hour car drive lies ahead and down from five people in car to two - hehe I guess my music selection and such scared them away (actually my heart goes out to the three who had life rear up bite them big time on the ass and leave them having to deal with the drudge of living instead of going to the conference - hugs to you dave, donna, adaliz you will be missed)

watching weather channel - the first stop is Memphis (going to conference in Nashville but when so close to a very important place music wise and you love music as much as I do - you gotta stop... um well you don't gotta stop but I do – lol – feed that hunger for music anyway I can ;-)

So headed to Memphis and Graceland - then Tuesday heading to Nashville for conference number one - High schools that Work - presenting almost everyday (Wednesday - Friday - lucked out and have no Saturday morning presentation - yes these conferences actually run on the weekend - like what were they thinking making us have to learn and work on the weekend)

But watching Dennis and looks like we will hit Tennessee about the same time as Dennis - a race to see who takes the town by storm first - oh that was a corny bad groaner pun wasn't it? I better stop before I really start pulling out the geology puns -

After HSTW I fly straight (I mean I am attending a conference session Saturday morning and fly out in afternoon) to second conference - National Academy Foundation (somebody at work made me the Co-Director, okay my boss made me the Co-Director and since she is the other co-director it means I am the main person running the show)

That conference I am not presenting but Since I am the director I attend all day Sunday meetings and workshops for the Director as well as we are bringing in a new academy - Information Technology - so I get to do Year of planning stuff which means lots more work.

Then that next Wednesday I wrap that conference up and head to Arizona to smack my sisters around

And I do mean that almost literally, ug they frustrate me even as I love them… - the three in Az always seem to be bickering and rubbing each other the wrong way and having little bitchy-catfight hiss and spit maybe roll in the mud here and there with a hair pull or two fights all the time – kinda almost the norm in some ways in our family– blech

But this time a couple of my sisters have decided that they just do not get along... I mean like do not get along in any aspect regardless of shared blood family bonds thing (but then growing up our family was never normal, eh whose really is, but we pretty much worked to be totally opposite of that all-American white picket fence 2.5 sit down to meals family stereotype )

You know it is weird hearing someone say they will take out a restraining order on someone, even weirder when you hear your one sister say that about another sister... sigh family always there to make life interesting...

but after dealing with that and hitting Las Vegas (yes somehow that side trip is part of this whirlwind travel tour I am doing a lotta driving in next two weeks) I head home, just in time to put on the next cap I wear at work and be the Bridging Director (incoming 9th graders who need extra math and English help come through this program and I am responsible for setting it up, training the staff and doing anything from picking up paper plates to teaching some lessons to tap dancing on the table… oh wait wrong program that is the faculty talent skills show j/k)

Sssssooooo back to where I started -I am running around like crazy trying to get ready for these trips and also making sure I am set for the crazy schedule of work when I get back

Actually with the modern age of technology I can access my work from the road and so will be on a lot trying to write curriculum - hey gotta write a Robotics curriculum along with the Welding, advanced math and other ones I am overseeing (it ballooned to like over 20 different programs, dman and whew), anyone know anything about robotics? Anyone staying at a Holiday Inn (okay who out there just got that pop culture reference I made regarding the Holiday Inn commericals… no one? Great I am the only one who watches too much TV then – sigh…fine… it was a funny joke… really it was, see I'm laughing… funny… hears crickets… sorta funny… more crickets…. A little chuckle deserving…. Someone turn off the cricket sound track pleaseeeee – hehe

I am learning a lot this summer and year because of work - oh did I mention I just learned I am going to be a major player in the virtual high school the school is starting?

By January I will have attended online classes for becoming an instructor, written an online course and by Jan. will have high school students from all over enrolled in my class letting me warp I mean teach their impressionable young minds as they warp and instruct my impressionable *coughs* young mind too ;-D

Well gotta go make sure my CDs are packed, the presentation handouts are set and my sense of adventure and love of travel is all set

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee – let the fun commence

Friday, July 08, 2005

Sometimes Life just gets shitty around the edges

Well had to walk outta Fantastic Four cause T had a fit and I was having one too cause not in the best o' moods – while waiting in the lobby before the movie got a call from a person I work with.

She was scheduled to go to Nashville conference (supposed to leave Sunday), present with me and others on about three or four workshops – also she is a fun person to hang with (major fun one really going that I know from work) add to that she was supposed to help drive down (three of us were scheduled to drive down).

Personally I do not mind the driving but I do not really know the other person so now that will be odd. Plus she was the one who was interested in going to Graceland with me so prolly will not do that cause the other person was going to come with us cause well we were all driving together but since she was not to interested, prolly just drive straight down

Plus the reason she can not come is her ex is being shitty to her, life is being shitty to her and she is an emotional wreck right now so I feel really bad cause my ex is not real shitty like hers (we swap stories and such sometimes - although my ex is not that bad, not like some, like my dad or her ex...anyhoo) but mine has been kinda shitty lately and getting to me about certain issues – we seem to be bickering even more now then when we were married - go figure

That is another issue getting to me and was looking forward to trip with the co worker cause it would have been good for both of us…

So life, men are dicks, feelings in the outhouse, you name it… just everything shitty around the edges right now making for two parts frustrated me – two parts fucking angry me and lots of parts deep, dour, depressed mood me….

Fuzzy Bunny Slippers last night was fun though – they were good (I like that band a lot – great cover band and always fun) and OMG

There was this Bianca look-a-like at the bar (character that left All My Children a bit ago whom I liked – the actress who played her is very cute and cool) anyhoo this woman looked like her EXCEPT she was my size – hehe – so got to watch that and also a lot of people dancing and the song sets were good… so see some beacons of yay in the smelly cesspool of pain in the ass parts of life…..

So now gotta do these presentations without her, gotta drive extra (which is actually in a way the only good thing cause I put on a cd and drive – it is interstate driving and I do love road trips and I do love exploring and I do plot and write stories a lot while driving so that is a plus… just 18 hours with someone I do not really know – oh gawd that should be a blast – lmao)

Plus bummed I prolly will not get to see Graceland

And did I mention I feel bad for her… she is really only one of about five people I know around here that I think of as friend and occasionally do something with besides work.

So my like one of three friends in the world is feeling shitty, had to pull out of the conference and I feel guilty cause I am thinking a little about myself and getting bummed when I should be thinking about how bad things are for her.

I think it is just been really feeling off and down and crappola lately so this just moved me firmly into shittyness well that and some other issues pinging relentlessly on my brain keeping me in the disturbed depressed mode….

Eh… I'll read, watch something on tv, write some and kinda work through things and hey always something around the corner….

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Sometimes You Just Wish It Wouldn't (a song by me)

Sometimes You Just Wish It Wouldn't
bu J. Stratton July, 2005

Sometimes you look into the black night
Peering into the cold
Cold why is it cold
No it is not cold
Cold is what we think we feel when we touch
When we seek
And are denied
So we feel cold rage
Biting against the shame
Rushing against the frustration

Sometimes you look into the black night
Escape is the plan
Or maybe this time it is to hide
And there are those who go to play
Playing to dare to touch
When we seek
And are immersed
So we feel the playing leer
Stroking the immense shame
Gorging the frustration

Sometimes you look into the black night
Warm flush trickles down
Starting with the eyes as they seek
Flowing down the body like a flame cleansing
Cleansing what we feel when we touch
When we seek
And are accepted
So we feel cleansing relief
Coating over the shame
Masking the frustration

Frustration will survive forever
Shame its bastard sister
For a brief moment we understand
And it hurts
When we seek
Understanding of the need to eradicate the emotional touch
Desperate to understand
Making us fall over the edge
Wishing that
Sometimes the black night would look into you

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Doing this and that on a weekend

Had a nice time yesterday - wrote some kicking posts (really liking a couple of my characters of late for a few of the RPGs)

Wasted time trying to figure out this silly game called Crimson Room then slept in some

After getting up headed down to Tropicana Casino and hit the IMAX theater for the first time and saw Batman Begins - KICK ASS movie - wanna see it again and liked the setup - thought the characters were good and seeing it at the IMAX made it all that much better.

After that headed to another casino - Trump Marina and saw my favorite cover band Fuzzy Bunny Slippers - rocked to their tunes (they cover anything 60s - today country, rap, pop, rock, they are just fuckin' awesome can not say enough about them) They will be in the area Thursday and may try to see them.

Then went home and got some sleep. Today started with my boardwalk 2 mile walk - I so gotta get back to exercising and losing weight - and then some odd errands here and there and vegging.

Got Anastacia DvD of her videos - I WANT HER TO COME OVER HERE!!!!!! I would pay and travel to see her - right now though she only plays Europe - damn it Anastacia get your butt over here like now.

Also got Tori Amos CD and a collection of Greatest Hits videos - there are some good one on the DvD

PLanning I hope on seeing Fantastic Four on Friday - of course how many times have I said that (that I was going to a movie - I mean I am shocked as shit on a stick I made it to see Batman - lmao)

Wow next Sunday I leave for next round of conferences and such nashville, San Diego, Arizona and Vegas - how's that for a tour

Working on curriculum and hope to get a good handle on that - well in-between writing on stories - got the writing bug lately and just wanting to post certain characters especially :-P

Tomorrow is HOUSEWORK day - ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww gotta clean, scrub, do the yard an all that like home sparkly shit - lol sigh the fun is over, back to reality... hehe

Friday, July 01, 2005

I Wanna Be a Writer - a short story

Heya just wrote a little something - put it up at my other writing web site too

and will be up at my fanfic site soon too

Here is the story

The Delete Key

Ah the little grey or white key or perhaps if you own a designer keyboard a mauve or turquoise key, but anyways the little DEL or delete key.

The comic relief in many situations such as the classic joke in "Buffy the Vampire slayer" when a character thinks DEL means deliver and trashes her whole project.

The power to undo what has been done.

The key that so many had no idea what it meant so some manufacturers actually spell out the name, Hmm wonder what mine… I have both – delete and on the number pad it is DEL.

Wonder what that key says in other places

Borre, effacer, Löschen Sie, cancella, Schrap, anule, удалить, stryk, 删除

Ah my little BOR key.

Ok, ok, I get it, I am stalling, rambling on about a very stupid topic. And why you ask?

Okay you did not ask but since you are still reading I am guessing you are asking.

Or else have insomnia or perhaps you are bored shitless.

Or my favorite… you have been assigned as part of your torture program the reading of this little essay on…

Well want to say it is on the delete key, but hang ten as I go Sigmund Freud or maybe Pavlov or insert your favorite shrink here on you… just stay with me – remember as with the DEL key and dominos – takes beaucoup time to set up and an instant to knock it all down, which is one of my main points here…

Oh shit I blew it, I went and got a point to this story. That makes this a fable, or moral essay, or actual possible piece of storytelling. Well fuck that anyhoo.

See that is what started all this… the fact that sometimes I stand on the teetering edge of Deleteness… what does that mean?

So glad you asked…

You didn’t ask? Well you are still reading… oh wait we already did that part of the routine didn't we?

Well sometimes I think the DEL key is like that suicide pill spies carry.

WHOOOOAAAAA how's that for pulling a plot twist outta nowhere (nowhere defined as my ass which tends to do more of the thinking than my brain of late and I am sure you did not want to know that, which is why you just got told that).

See I teeter on the brink sometimes of should I take the pill or not – no, no, no I am not talking about me committing suicide, well not like bodily suicide. That is a bad thing and thing I shall never do.

No I mean fileacide, writer-hari-kari, um suicide of files, um… you getting the drift yet? You're going to make me stumble on in trying to find a suitable analogy? You are enjoying this aren’t you? What do you mean payback is a bitch and since you have to listen to my bitching….

Alright, alright… see sometimes I teeter on the brink because…

I wanna be a writer

HAHAHAHAHA did you see that one coming? Damn two twists in one story – I am fucking good… actually, no, no I'm not – hence this diatribe on the little delete key.

Well I can see I just crankswirled, crankswirl, a word I and another made up and it means you say something out loud, make 1200 connections in your brain at the speed of eating a bowl of Lucky Charms (hmm or was that the speed of eating a bowl of Rice Krispies, which is much faster because damn if when I eat Lucky Charms I do not hear that f*ing leprechaun saying Yellow stars, orange moons and the like as I eat the marshmallow fake who the hell knows what they really are bits, but they are gooey yummy in milk…)

Anyhoo say one thing, make connections in head and then say next line seemingly totally unrelated and yet they are, really, and not just in my own deluded, psychotic fantasy world, but really, really, really (how many more of these damn reallys do I have to type to convince you… hmm if I type a few more I will make it into the next word bracket… writer's thin of the weirdest shit, well then so do Dock workers… go figure)

See I wanna be a writer so bad, I love reading, writing, exploring topics and researching for authenticity (oooooo - the big word I am throwing in my story to sound like I own a thesaurus, damn I am smooth, glided that one right in and even used it almost correctly… almost correctly, damn my grammar is even almost good, almost well, um, uh, yeah whatever).

Then I go out and start reading other peoples' work - books, magazines, watching movies (see I know that there are words associated with the actually moving things on the screen), fanfiction (love reading fanfic…) and the like and that's when it happens….

That's when the DEL key starts looking really good. It is my friend, fantasy-dream mission over I'm caught, time to use the little pill.

See I look at the good stuff out there and then go back and read my writing and I am like, why? Why am I even typing… yes I know you are asking the same damn question as you are going she keeps typing, I keep reading… vicious little cycle ain't it?

But I get real close to saying screw it, I am tired. I know I could never be a writer, too hard, not good enough, I reuse plots and characters and no originality. I do not have the command of the language grammatically and verbosely (hmm is that a word… well it sure as hell is now – I love inventing words…) and so on.

It just is not working (it here is not the good IT like being an IT girl like on the L Word CD or EW magazine, yeah right me an IT girl, only if IT girl is hey what the hell is it?)

But why clog the system, my life and mind with this stuff (okay I say shit but was trying to reclaim the PG-13, oh wait I used bitch up there, hmm think the FCC is going to come after me???)

So my finger then sits poised over the little DEL key… just wipe out the stories, the files and be done with the torture… simple little key, simple little act… wish it was as easy to be a writer as it is to be a, um, uh - unwriter (Unwriter? You know what an unwriter is… what you are when you hit that delete key… okay you would really be a lame, stupid ass if you seriously did that, but seriously would I do that, something as serious as that?


Yeah just might

Okay, I was going for the moral punch at that end that rocks you and hangs with you and is like a cliffhanger orgasm (come on admit it, admit it… teasing coaxing tone here, admit it… you have hit that peak, read that line that just made you explode all over twitching as you get this endorphin rush and high and afterglow and… um, nope? Okay fine then neither have I……)

But I can’t leave it at that, cause I am lame but not DEL lame, cause I am not a deleter (hee-hee nice twist on quiter there wasn't it? See delete = quit and hmm I just pointed out in a very obvious way the metaphor I am going for didn’t I… what do you mean I just made the last few pages nothing more than supporting pointless drivel? Just made, hell it was pointless drivel about half way down, where you been buddy?)

I wanna be a writer.

So in my own little world I am a writer.

Take that DEL key.

No wait, don’t take that or rather no taking of my files or anything, well maybe that nude picture of Kirsten Dunst that is awesome but has a virus attached which is taking over my computer and um not that I opened that file or anything of course, I mean nude KD why would I open that… hmm is this the PWP part of the story now?

Cue that porn bow-chicka-bow-wow music and… okay maybe I should go back to the intelligent, moral, better cliffhanger instead of ending on blaring porn music and did I mention nude… okay I am so going to get sued even though this is a lovely tribute to Ms. KD…. just remember to use the Replace function and change Kirsten Dunst to um Dirsten Kunst oh yeah that'll fool the lawyers… hmmm I think I lost my point somewhere…

Oh well at least I have that trusty DEL key to help me fix that…. Right?