Thursday, September 28, 2006


I am teaching a lot of online courses this semester and i started my move toward high school teacher certification and am teaching a high school class online as well as my college online classes (so two college courses online and a high school course)

Because I am going for alternate route for the high school teaching (which is a big pain and a very weird thing because I have a degree in education and have student taught but I have to do this alternate route because of the certificate I am going for and well other stuff but I will not go on about alternate route now - save that for later)

But as part of the process I am finding myself having to compare and contrast online to face to face environments a lot.

As such I am wondering more and more about the world of online communication both professionally, academically and of course personal - the personal as I have many online friends and yes I have many online crushes and even a few deeper than crushes although those are all one way - I have yet to have an online romance (one area of the online world and face to face world missing form my life right now - lol)

But I find myself wondering - how do you truly know and interpret someone on the other end of the screen - if they do not reply to your pings or communications it is personal, is it just something on their end, or... well, there is lots more to say on this subject and when I am more focused i will.... ah communication in general - always a tricky thing and one so important and one that leads to the most hurt and happies most encounter – blah

But this entry is triggered because an online person seems in the last week or so to have changed in their online communication style with me...

is it truly a change
is it something just perceived by me
is it a temporary thing is it a more permanent change
is it something I did, is it totally unrelated to me... and happening all over or all online but…
if it is changed because of something good, yay but if bad, I want to help
but how can I if i do not know
and how can i know if the communication is awkward....

So many questions and ways to interpret and misinterpret... :(

and I just miss my friend and want her back and want to help if something is up and want to know if it is something real or just an odd timing and me reading (sly pun there) more into things then there is there to read....

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


My sister sent this poem to me - not sure where she got it - but it is nice and really really kinda captures some of my thoughts and feelings on a certain...subject (person) ah well

in other news - the death bell is sounding for my Saturn SL2 - this last check up yesterday came back with a list of over 900 plus the radiator has cracks, not leaking yet but that is going to go and.... and wellllllll I guess I will start looking for cars... not the best time in the world with the possibility of my job changing in terms of my salary and having to pay for the alternate route and everythign else - but hey I may finally come into the 20th century and have a CD player in the car - although i have all my tapes and love them :(I

need to get out an find some music - I think this friday after class I will try to do something even if it is to drive straight to atlantic citygo into one casino and get one drink and hear only one lounge songer song... :P

I actually just need to find someone to get out with and share things with

Wow end of September is upon us - where did it go? Buried under too much work but keeping it buried to not think about other things... eh well :P

Watched Friends with Money - that was a weird movie and it just ends - more like a TV episode than a movie - and most of the characters were not happy at the end - damn it - but liked the ensemble cast

Going to watch Truman show (again) after I get home from holding a test review for my two Cumberland County College courses - they both have tests coming up

Ok here is the poem - whomever wrote it - it is good and man someday maybe... pfffttttttt

My Gift To You

by Lonely Shadow

I live through my dark existence
only to bask in your beauty
your eyes that shine like sapphires
your smile that brightens even my sad existence
I envy the wind that runs through your hair
that touches your lips
I long to touch you
to hold you in my arms
but I cannot
for your heart belongs to another
so, I can only love you from afar
your friendship means more to me
than anything this world provides
but like an angel you touched my heart
in a way that I've never felt before
cause I've never known what love is until this day
I know that we are only friends
but my heart wishes it to be more
so I will still hope and dream
that one day I can feel your lips pressed to mine
to hold you in my arms and say, "I love you"

Friday, September 22, 2006


So where is my focus these days?

Soemtimes it is on the stuff going on at my work and how it will impact me and changes are coming.

Sometimes it is on trying to juggle way too much but always looking for more becuase I don;t quite feel I have found what or who I really would like.

Sometimes it is turned to thinking up a plot, or story or a fantasy that I wish could come true. Sometimes I focus on the fact fantasies are the nicest and cruelist because they have a base in fact and have the ideal of what you'd like to happen and yet will not.

SOmetimes I focus on trying to listen to the rain or take a moment to count the clouds or pehaps watch the construction outside one of the windows at my work.

Sometimes it is on how little focus I have and how I multitask and ramble and always thinkng, moving, restless.

Sometimes it is on how the combination of lyrics, beat and timing makes a song one I know I want to hear again, press the reply button, again, press the replay button and again.

FOCUS - something I have lost in some aspects these last few years, something I have lamented loosing and thus have wasted time crying rather than trying.

Ah, time's up, must move on to focus on something else.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


My mother use to sing two songs a lot – so much I actually learned the lyrics much like one would learn a lullaby – "Richard Cory" and "I am a Rock." I always kinda let it go and never thought about those songs or why she sang them much because of my maturity level and also because my mother had a long history of mental illness and I learned to take many things she did/said in that context….

I find myself these last few weeks/months suddenly with crystal crisp clarity understanding these songs

Fuck it all anyways….

Current music: Linkin park - Meteora

Monday, September 11, 2006

Milestones of an odd sort

Been keeping busy - some of the things are things I like being busy because of and many are not. Still looking for that special someone to keep me really busy and to help when they are busy but plugging along through life.

Did manage to walk to the comic book store today and take a few minutes just to enjoy the nice weather, some geeky fun and such. Been behind in reading but getting back into that even with the busy just to keep me balanced... I hope between music and writing and little things like reading sometimes I can not get too off or depressed or thinking about things I shouldn't.

Will be starting up some classes for alternate route Monday assuming the union does not destroy what it is I want to do.... the classes are 4 hours of who knows what to help prep me to become a teacher. Most people take alternate route because they are going into teaching but did not take education classes or do student teaching so they take this year long series of intense classes as an "alternate route" I have had classes and student teaching - but in a long story I do not want to share right now here but if you wanna hear email or ping me...

but I never took the final steps to activate the certificates associated with that - and finally I have this other certificate in Technology but they will not apply my student teaching - so I pay and have to go through these classes 430 to 830 almost ever Monday and Wednesday - whew

Been listening to this and that lately (right now listening to the radio about to change to my CD think I'll put in Angels and Airwaves, The Fray and not sure what else....). Going to watch maybe V for Vendetta if not tonight maybe to unwind after long day tomorrow (I work and then those classes).

A Big milestone Tuesday - my braces come off... that represents something in many aspects.

See I decided to finally get them 2 and a half years ago. Then after I went in for the consult, the next week my ex told me he was leaving me. So for two and a half years I've had these braces on, gone through the divorce and been with out someone to cuddle and hold and love and share things with for two and a half years... as well... an odd convergence

So Tuesday marks another change as I am having them removed... i hope the next change in my personal life (in a good way) happens soon as well.....

My sister keeps telling me right around the corner and I keep thinking of songs like Anna Nalick's In the Rough (ok I think of way more depressing songs a lot of the time too but trying to keep upbeat here and not think of the loneliness but the potential.....)

Sunday, September 10, 2006

this and that

Whew - been ultra busy and such - need to take time to update things more fully, like wrap up of Dragon con, my new busy schedule (packed-a-rama), and ramble thoughts on this that. I have a ton to do tomorrow but if I schedule things in a good way and stay focused (which has been hard lately, i have so much to do but motivation sees to wan and flounder) I hope to be very productive tomorrow well today... alright off to slumber and hope I get things set and perhaps even have a longer entry next time, maybe even filled with something more than my quest for gf and griends in general ;-P

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Dragon Con marches on and I just GAWK

Well Saturday was a hooottttt

Started up and early to pay parking fee for next day – van is still there – I am stylin'

Then all other staff members save my sister are passed out in their room so Kathy (sister) and I go and show up for first panels and get those running.

Then we head over to the walk of fame and GAWK at the stars (OMG he looks old – is that really that dude) – but we went because I had one thing I really really really wanted – to meet Yvonne Craig and get "Batgirl's" autograph. SHE LOOKED SO GOOD and was so nice. I bought her book – form Ballet to the Batcave and will post review when done – then I had her pick her favorite Batgirl on a motorcycle (oh damn those words just could have described certain fantasies of mine) and she signed it for me – and I shook her hand and chatted about a necklace of hers and stuff – OK OK FanGirl moment over :-P

Then some more panels and Kath and I stopped in a pub for some pulled pork and reubens then we helped with the Anime Costume contest – which was awesome.

Then we helped with a few more panels then headed back to room for some work and sleep and margaritas (not quite in that order)

We also accosted many people in costume and asked for pictures… and will continue that tonight.

We had paper airplane duels and contests during some of the panels – that was fun believe it or not. And my airplane sometimes kinda went a little ways.

I also read through some Y the last man comics and a little 1935 phamplet – The Art of Kissing.

Wheeeeee – just so much to see and doooooooooo

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Day 2 – First official con day – but only a half day….

Well another wonderful day comes to an end (although already time is blurring and it is hard to remember exactly where and when to end one day and begin the next :-P

Managed to get to the conference and find all the F*ing hotels had their parking full already because Fargin people not staying in the hotel parked there. So I am a paying guest and have to trek three plus blocks away and leave my rental in a non secure lot – I am pissolaed.

But got checked in – the room is way up on the 26th but it is a nice view and clean and spacious – plus I get green tea shampoo samples – lol

The panels for today were not too bad – started with a general session and then a good session with C. martin and George Low form the Space Ghst cartoon – George Lowe is hilarious.

The managed to run and grab some more stuff form the van before heading back to make sure the adult swim (Cartoon network) Ventura Brothers panel was a go. Managed to fit in a new game called Tonsro or something (I'll get the official name tomorrow) but that was an interesting game – will post the overview laters.

Then managed to go to the Con Suite for nachos and what ever else appeared. The con suite is a place that any con person can go to get free food, soda and whatever – they just put out who knows what. They had chips, salsa, PB & J sandwiches, moon pies and twinkies available when I was there – as well as coffee, soda, tea and such – the fact it is free was cool and I like just sitting in the con suite and watching people circulate through.

Then ended up staffing a How to make music videos workshop and now wrapping up to get ready for another fun filled day – oh did I mention ALLLLL the people and costumes (or lack of costumes – oooohhhhhhh leather, corsets and nothing but tape, OH MY) – will have lots of pictures up soon

Lots more to tell but must sleep just a little :P

Friday, September 01, 2006

dragon con trip day one

OK so a 15 hour plus ride from Philadelphia was interesting

got to see one of my friends from the online group I write with which is so cool.

I love meeting people and especially those I know or from the online groups I am in.

We ended up getting our staff badges, checking out the anime/animation track room - which was somewhat surreal as there were two guys int here at the tables with the mikes just using the mikes and playing - when we came in they started doing comedy, it was weird.

Then spent time learning how to make a character for the Lord of the Five Rings RPG game.

Tomorrow the conference starts and the fun should really pick up.

Will have lots more to say, if sober and not busy running trying to make sure the track panels go alright, tomorrow :P