Wednesday, March 30, 2005

A Brief Note For the Day

Whew been busy hence the non updates - between wacky trip to Az to visit family (which I plan on rambling on in lurid detail to bore anyone who happens to read this to tears so go read something else if you no like...)

Catching nasty head cold which is still kicking my butt although the spinny, dizzy, I am standing 25 feet from the rest of the world feeling is a hoot

And dealing with some other things - been hard to major league multitask thus not been getting stuff done.

today marks two things - john's birthday and the anniversary of our first solo date which in a way I always treated as our anniversary - I am a hopeless romantic sappy fool who goes for stuff like that

he never remembers dates and I am not that great myself (please do not ask me to recite the ages and birthdates of all of my nieces and nephews that would be a horrible, embarassing mess) so I always was the one to do something for events and holidays and the like, like I said I was the romantic sappy one....

So while I hope my luggage is waiting for me at home (yes for the first time in my life on top of everything else I lost my luggage) I have been listening to my Why Can't We playlist which I drag out for a couple of reasons both running rampant right now - well i also like the lyrics and songs....

mood = contemplative, pensive, dour, reflective, getting through til tomorrow (same time, same batchannel) = All That I wanted (Michelle Branch), Did You ever Love Somebody (Jessica Simpson), It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing (Shania Twain), Over and Over (Nelly and Tim McGraw), Anything but Ordinary (Avril Lavigne) just to list a few - my lyrics document is over 51 pages - lol I like music a little I guess ....

Monday, March 21, 2005

I Love a Rainy Night

You know – one of the sounds I like more than anything is lying in bed and hearing the rain hit the roof. Not like a thunderstorm rain but a steady, constant, pounding rain. The longer the better. I find it really soothing and makes me sleepy and I just like listening to it.

In the new place I can really hear it when it rains in my bedroom and also in this additional room which is cool. I was only in there once but I know come summer… It is an added on, converted porch sunroom. So no heat or air, but the two sides are all glass and then in the roof it was one of those sunroof skylights.

I was in there during a rainstorm once and the sound was amazing. So I plan on getting a comfy beanbag chair or something and during rainstorms just crashing out. Kinda lets my mind wander and then usually zone out.

Like listening to music. I find listening to music helps me when resting too. I can not do that too much when people are around (although I have been known to get headphones) but when it is just me, the music usually goes on. Now I do not like falling asleep to the TV that is totally different and I have not been watching much TV lately so not in the same category as rain on the roof (or a surface) and music.

Guess it is one of those things you have a personal preference for and it is something that not all people handle (some can not get to bed with noise and stimulation).

I like the music also cause well, I think I was associated with music videos in a former life. I like to plot and make up scenes for my stories and for other stories I write and all sorts of scenes in my head all the time. Well I especially do it to music. I have a lot of scenes I cue to a particular song or a type of song that plays as I run through the scene – yes my secret fun job as mentioned before I think is a sound editor type person who matches music to the mood of a scene.

Watching "Shall we Dance" the American Version (did not realize this was based on Japanese version which I wanna see too – the preview looked good.)

You know sometimes when I rent I watch previews and sometimes I don't, I usually do because I am the one who is last to leave a movie theater – I swear I sit there and actually not just watch but read the credits.

So if you ever go to the movies with me – plan on staying around the lobby an extra 5 minutes while I watch the credits. I like to know where stuff was made, song titles, who did what, etc. I am weird oh well

But Shall We Dance – I like Susan Sarandon (along with Kirsten Dunst, Holly Marie Combs, Drew Barrymore, the more recent Uma Thurman and a few others she goes in my top ring of actresses I love and watch because well screw the plot I am watching them – lol – I go to see something because of them not the movie – I mean Charlie's' Angels II as mentioned before no plot just hot Drew and well Lucy was looking good too and so was Cameron and Demi and oookkkkk must write later mind is drooling now… j/k)

Well another work week to start but this a short one cause Thursday I fly to AZ. Drama with sisters intense as always right now 2 are not talking and third trying to be go between and getting it from both ends - Easter family dinner plans I was trying to arrange doing the Hindenburg big time right now – lots of flames – The Titanic, the Stock Market Crash of 29….


Eh things could be worse – and at least it was raining tonight – so see lots of plus and goodness

Thursday, March 17, 2005

One of those Yucky taboo Topics

Okay I find my life here of late slowly becoming slightly obsessed with a certain topic - human excrement. Yes, I just went ewwww while typing this myself. So do not read the rest of this post if you have a low comfort level regarding this topic - you have been warned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not something I normally talk about, think about or anything about. It is something that all forms of life do (and in all forms at that - lol) and it is as natural as well as breathing, eating (the place this topic all starts - lol) and other certain topics some of which I also blush talking about...

I find this is one of those topics that tests people's taboo and comfort meter - you know - those topics that some whisper, some shout, some find appropriate ways to joke and talk about this topic on occasion, some laugh at, some discuss casually and some never speak of sh*@ .....

I always laugh even though it is corny at the joke in Buffy about Willow spelling out a certain word and being admonished for displaying her obvious low comfort zone. Then you get the Monty Python skit about sex where the British schoolmaster and his wife are doing a sex ed class and are very sterile and having sex right there in front of these young boys as he rattles off the action using a cold, neutral, instructional tone while discussion chores to be done with his wife...

Different approaches to certain topics - I love people and how the world revolves...


My mind is has been focused on this because for people with Spina Bifida it tends to be something they have to focus on and approach differently than most of the world. See the lumbar region of the spine is where bowel and bladder control is located, so any damage to the area affects the way human, um, well, shit and pee (you know I had to descend into the non-clinical, non-scientific words at least once in this post - although saving the kickers for last - lol)

Issues can include loss of control, no sensations or feelings past a certain point in that area and body, clogging of the colon and other parts of the system, backflux, bladder pressure issues, kidney stuff and other things too. Basically a person can not feel when to go, can not hold it so it constantly comes out and so on....

This means over the course of a person's life they must develop certain programs, schedules, regimens, use different medicines, equipment, diet, pads, diapers, etc.

And no one person is the same and the system changes with age as a person becomes more aware of well, what if anything they can feel, how much they tend and when.... realistically it is all still a natural system, one that just flows differently than most peoples.

Well in the last week and a half, the fact that we have to develop a program for daughter has become more and more intense and thus fueling my obsession with this topic.

She is now on a three strikes and you are out setup at her preschool.daycare (of course that is not how the "we love your daughter and doing the best for her" head person says it but realistically....) If she has two movements in a short amount of time and basically soils her diaper, then we get a call. Third time and they want her picked up and taken home. Does not matter if I or John are working or whatever, does not matter T is not sick just doing her natural thing.

I am so afraid this is going to give her a great perception of this particular taboo subject - I mean she says words already because of the attention (we call a enema time at night poopy test - along with the other things we do together we have poopy test time - so more focus on this topic.... and she is in the room often with the doctors and teachers and other people discussing things so she hears things....)

So had to adjust my work schedule to get doctor notes and go get an X-ray done to once again readjust her regimen at home and to start to be ready if we get a call to figure out how to get her (means canceling whatever I or John is doing, having to reschedule and such... plus she is missing her school activities and such)

Then a trip yesterday to the spina bifida clinic along with calls all last week and this week to doctors and specialists and such trying to figure out how to keep her clean for most of the day - how to regulate a natural body function.....

This whole thing started back up cause got a call today to pick her up because she had a bit of stuff in her diaper....

This daily regulation and trying to control nature already consists of (I'll list a few to give idea, there is more but it is just part of the daily routine) an antibiotic because she has kidney reflux because of bladder, special diet to watch the types of foods going in and how they come out, once again starting up the laxative (which then when her stools are very loose like the doctor wants people get upset about that too and start saying oh looks like she is having diarrhea and I am like yesssssssssss that is what the laxative and - like fuck it people make up your mind frst too much too ahrd so complain and send home then too soft so again send home, not have to deal... damnit - anyways) and she gets an enema a night.... a night, every night something is stuck in her ... sigh anyways

So we play this game were we try something new - change a medicine, the time of day we do something see how it goes, realize it is not satisfying some doctor, some preschool teacher, someone else, and then change something else, try something new, more dependence on medicines, equipment (eventually she may even be able to self catherize and regulate that function too)

just keep playing the game hoping we finally get things settled and get something normal for her, something to not be too intrusive like it has become for me - hope she never becomes obsessed with this topic like I am.

My daughter, John and I are like whatever we just have a normal life and change the diaper when we need to.... but everyone else pushes thing into this is not good category....

So I find myself thinking more and more and more about

Feculence, dross, shite, ca-ca (or kah-kah), excrement, shit, dung, shiznit, poop, BM, scat, ish, scĂ­tan ,crap, stool, log, feces, bog, ordure, turd....

Whew had to get that load out - LOL

Ain't life just shitty sometimes.....

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Just a Quickie

LOL - that title is a direct result of listening to Ashlee Simpson La La song - hmm a word of warning perhaps - hehe anyways

more wonders of blogs and tech and the like

keeping busy

just realized I go to AZ for visit next Thursday - wow like a week away - kept thinking man is it foooorrrrrever and suddenly it is almost here -

and of course already the drama starts...

lets see sister #1 supposedly picking me up - very excited all set

ring ring she calls and tells me okay she is doing new babysitting job but will come anyways just has all her kids (4) plus a 1 year old so she will be in parking lot, I call and then she come pick me up at front....oooookkkkkkk

ring ring - next phone call -

hmm timing is a little odd but oh I wanna pick you up sister says - I ask well when does baby you are watching get picked up - she says 5pm (and she lives like hour plus from airport cause she on way fricking other side of town) and I am like Bec - I get in around 4 then gotta get through airport and such... Bec: Oh um that is ok bye.

hour later ring ring -

it is another sister - bec called her in panic she can not pick me up - now does bec tell me - noooooo she tells other sister and expects miracles.... so I may be spending my trip in the airport - lol

Meanwhile sister #3 is moving to new house same weekend - I am now helping babysit a couple of kids on friday and sister #2 trying to get off so we can do something with kids (I could let them run amok around house blowing it up while I snooze and listen to music videos - just teasing Kathy - I will not watch videos in front of the kids.... :-D - and I am sure your house insurance covers all sorts of creative things kids can doooo, right? Or does this mean we can not make explosive volcanoes??? ) -

so I baby sit all kids while she is cleaning house and such because other sister may still be working and sister #3 does nto get along with real well with that sister and there is lots more going on with that I am not even touching right now -

hmm this was supposed to be a quickie... okay I am outta here more update laters : )

Monday, March 14, 2005

Another odd chat from the online world

ME: okay that is weird
ME: I ordered tickets and was supposed to be in like section 102 row R seat 10
ME: the confirmation says section 101 row A seat 8
ME: hmmm
ME: I do not think I like the new seat
ODDFRIEND #1: hmm can you reorder or switch?
ODDFRIEND #1: and what it for?
ME: or
ME: not sure which setup it is
ME: it is to see Jimmy Eat World and Taking Back Sunday
ODDFRIEND #1: hehe tweeter hehe
ME: lol
ODDFRIEND #1: tweeter
ME: I get squished
ODDFRIEND #1: snicker
ME: hey
ME: stop
ODDFRIEND #1: tweeter bird
ME: no snickering
ME: stop
ME: now that is messed up
ME: damn it
ME: :-D
ODDFRIEND #1: eat world at tweeters
ODDFRIEND #1: snicker
ME: stop
ME: please
ODDFRIEND #1: hmm ok
ME: I did not even
ME: think of that
ME: until you said it
ODDFRIEND #1: and now you laughing
ODDFRIEND #1: hard
ME: yes
ME: very
ME: and worried about being smushed
ME: and deaf
ODDFRIEND #1: at the tweeter
ME: hehe
ODDFRIEND #1: smushed at the tweeter
ODDFRIEND #1: snicker
ME: smashed
ME: hehe
ODDFRIEND #1: while jimmy eats world
ME: squeeked
ME: hehe
ME: as long as it is not sqwicky
ME: :-)
ODDFRIEND #1: squeeked the tweeter that just sounds nasty
ME: haha

(Side note - the concert is taking palce at the Tweeter Center)

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Philadelphia Concert

Okay went to Philadelphia last night and saw a great show – It was Jesus Christ Superstar put on by one of the classes from Paul Green's School of Rock. Yes the thing talked about in the Jake Black movie (which I have not seen…)

The school takes kids ages 4 – 19 and teaches them music using Paul Green's approach which is more of using classic rock and jam sessions as well as working on all aspects of the music world.

So the troupe ranged in age from about 12-13 to 19 – and they did a wonderful job. They switched in and out on drums, keyboards and of course all sizes shapes and types of guitars electric and acoustic. So one group was on for one song, then they would switch out. This way all of the students got a chance to perform. Only the main singing parts were constant and boy were Judas, Jesus, Pilot and the cast good.

I got to talk to some of the moms there and learned about the whole thing from their perspective and yes Paul Green was there and introduced everything. And talking to people was nice until the one mom 9she must have been in late 50s probably 60s) was walking away and said, "By the way your 60s look is just right and very cute, love the bangs and all."

I stared after her going, "What? What 60s look, I was not even born in the 60s." I looked down at my black turtleneck, dark blue and black vest I was wearing over it and jeans and thought hmmm... also I wear my hair straight - no curls (it is so fine it would not curl even if I threatened it) and I have always had bangs, whether in or out they are me... in fact I have a part and it is so well trained, John would joke I could snap my fingers no matter how messed up my hair was and it would part like Moses at the Red Sea....

Anyways - I guess with sunglasses, a beret changing my sneaks for loafers I could have been sitting in a coffeehouse snapping my fingers going "cool, cool...." lol - Actually I like coffeehouses and the performance concept - goes along with that whole music thing I like so much - lol - anyways I still am like 60s.... me????? Okay trying to stay focused on the topic - not doing a great job here am I????? Always the question or ramble from me – curious Georgeing my way through life - anyways

I am always amazed by musicians – the talent they have to do things I can not begin to do but love to hear. Thanks all you musicians - keep the music coming!

The other cool thing was people watching – this was at the TLA (theater of Living Arts) same place I saw Dresden Dolls (still the best concert and group I have seen to date)

The stark contrast in the crowd and event was cool. First for Dresden – the people packed the place early and the front filled first.

To explain, the TLA is a standing room mainly concert venue. The stage is against one wall and then a large open area – then the bar and a few seats are to the left and there is a balcony with a few more seats against the wall opposite the stage - concessions and main doors are under the balcony. So mainly you stand when you go to see someone play here.

So for Dresden, the people packed in and filled in the area near the stage and speakers and all.

For JCS – the back filled first – lol people gathered mainly in the back and the seats all filled immediately and people came closer to show time instead of really early.

Of course more people were sitting on the floor as they waited for Dresden and the JCS people were not as willing to just plop down. Which I understand - if you look at the floor in the TLA (which I recommend you don't, ever, not even a peek, like do not do it, I mean it stay away from the floor... )

okay now I made you all like curious and crap to know - haven't I? If you ever go to the TLA what is the first thing I bet you do.... look at the floor. Unless now because I taunted you that you will do that you then make a point to never look at floor - and then my reverse psychology trick has won and you never look at floor - unless you are trying tnot to look at floor becuase I said don't but I bet you will so you are not looking at floor and then you stumble a little and glimpse floor and go "Oh shit, I looked so now the little blonde chick is right, crap in a handbasket...."

Oh god where was I, what was I talking about and how did I end up here... oh yeah, the concert....

The crowd was different too – families for JCS (mainly families little kids to older people and friends of people in the musical) and Dresden a mix but mainly teen to my age. JCS mainly the family unit and white and older or even the friends were mainly teens but kinda like Dawson's Creek teens – lol - and not alot of smoking

Dresden – well lets say more ethinicity, more people making out and prolly more female/female or male/male than male/female in terms of making out and couple over all – lol, very open and different atmosphere. So much more open, goth, punk, yuppie, jock, average joe/jane – hehe a much wider mix at Dresden - and much more smoking going on at that show and more drinking (although there were a couple of parents getting nice and sloshed in the back corner of the bar)

I wonder if they even saw their kid up on stage... not that drinking is bad... just sloshing at your kids event is IMO poor choice... (and I mean sloshing not drinking - read that as doing the funny dance with the lampshade over your head drunk not a few drinks for the taste or to help people sound better - lol not that these students needed that - they were KICK BUTT AWESOME...) but I know sometimes people get dragged to things and such, but I am like man, go somewhere else to talk and party instead of ruining it for others....

Plus to watch people watching/gawking at certain people at JCS and listening to the comments about what people were wearing and how acting and the noise level and everything was fun too – hehe – people were much more in to their own thing at Dresden and not obvious gawkers.

But it was an awesome time and I would go to another Paul Green concert/event. Also had fun walking around South Street – love the mix of people there…. Like the two guys standing in the middle of the street trying to pick up the chicks walking in front of me and so the two chicks to get rid of the guys stop on the corner and kiss – lol typical South street ;-D

And then later got to see the two hookers in obvious fake fur working over some Italian guy, um well not that type of working, I am not a perv (I blush too much about stuff like that... hmm I guess technically you could be a blushing perv, but those two ideas just seem to be mutually exclusive to me that is like leering by peeking through your hands like little kids do - kinda ruins the impact of the leer - where was I? Ah yes back to the original topic....) - I meant they were trying to price out a deal. I now know the street value in philly for two women to go down on some Italian guy – man life is wonderfully weird.

Okay on to getting a paper shredder, groceries, cleaning, grading and maybes back to painting. And of course I have all this work to do and instead I am just messing around being lazy – I have not done that in awhile… I forgot what it feels like to do nothing – kinda weird – not sure if I should laugh or frown at that comment – ah well – at least I got some sleep finally last night…. Been too upset to sleep right but that should settle out soon, I hope : )

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

More On the Blog Front, Being a Fool and long day - this article mentions how search engines can search and do search blogs

Try this party trick in your own home and be amazed.........

I tried typing in my nicks including what I use in this blog, my AOL nicks, and a couple of other nicks and my real name - I just used to start with for today - and HOLY SHIT BATMAN - I came up when googled....

man you really can find anything out there and the lines of privacy blur even more - but as the one person in the article I linked to above points out blogs are public domain

So why is it important to pay attention in school in English, math, history, etc.... why? Because people, you show your true level when you blog, write, talk, interact with people. Do you wanna come off as an idiot or as someone who knows themselves and what they are talking about?

Most people do not need others to make them look like fools as more times than not they will do a spectacularly good job of that themselves. (made that up myself or read it subconscioused it and it is now mine - lol)

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap. Cynthia Heimel

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations. Charles de Montesquieu

The mistakes of the fool are known to the world, but not to himself. The mistakes of the wise man are known to himself, but not to the world. Charles Caleb Colton

The learned fool writes nonsense in better language than the unlearned - but it's still nonsense. Benjamin Franklin

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. William Shakespeare

wow I am off tonight - I turned on the local weather channel feed just to listen to the music on the station (a weird collection of classical, instrumental jazz stuff) rather than get up and put some music on or even crank up music on my computer - lol - Geo class was really long tonight (taught relative dating which is like doing logic puzzles and radiometric dating which is all chemistry and math - whew I blew up the brains of my students - lol - but I gave back first test and I am so proud - everyone passed and most got As and Bs - hurray - hmm must make test harder - just teasing) and had to drive home on slightly icy/snowy roads

Monday, March 07, 2005

A Classic Jules Blonde Crankswirl Moment

BTW my friend and I did enter our word in a slang dictionary so in my mind it is a real word - lol -

From site -
To talk or type a string of random,thoughts that seem unrelated because thoughts in-between left out.

"That woman is looking totally hot. Hey did you catch that new way to wax a car?"

"Hey dude what does she have to do with hot wax, you crankswirling again."

"Was just thinking I'd like to wax her body in the back of my car."

Source: docwho2100, Feb 12, 2004

Okay - here is just an example of a routine average occurrence for me - how I managed to jump (crankswirl) from Vanessa Carlton to thinking about a character that would have voices that talk to them and they would not know what the voices are or such

Here is how this wonderful connection was made - lol

I was thinking about the tickets I have for a Vanessa Carlton concert later this month and getting psyched for that and was looking online at the venue I am going to see her at - the tickets are only 10 bucks where VC tickets at some venues were like 60-75 bucks - made me think was I getting a cheap rip off or what.... so I was looking at the place

I go to the Rittco center website and notice they have a gallery of past concerts - so looking at those to try and get a feel for the place - which I did it is a converted center/high school gym type place and even has bleacher sections and then the main area in front of the stage is mainly cheap ole chairs - not that I care I thought because it is Vanessa which made me then go off on some of her songs and the fact Ari Hest is opening for her

And that made me think of Jessica Simpson and some other things - lol - because a friend went to see Jessica and this Ari guy opened and friend was telling me how funny he was, so I started thinking about that and okay back to Rittco center

So looking at gallery of pictures now that I have stopped thinking about the bodacious Jessica - lol - and noted one of the people who did a concert was John Edwards

John Edwards is the guy on Sci Fi um is he still doing shows? Not sure anyways, he is the guy who like talked to dead people - that got me to thinking of a......

MadTV skit I had seen making fun of him and such and so I am laughing at that and thinking about how I do not believe in that stuff and laughed a lot at the skit and that made me think......

Of people like John Edwards and Whoopi Goldberg hearing voices (yes you say, where the hell did Whoopi come from - hang on jumping now).......

I was thinking of psychic mediums and thought of the movie Ghost and how much I loved Whoopi and thought she earned the Oscar for sure for her roll and how my sisters and I still love to quote this one set of lines from that movie when we are surprised at something the other did....

"Ortisha? Where you at? I can hardly see!"

"Orlando? Orlando!"
"Damn baby, what'd you do to your hair?"

"Orlando, you like? It's Autumn Sunrise."

(and if you have seen he movie you know the quote)

Anyways so then I am thinking about my sisters and how I got to call them and talk, I have not done that for a while and that made me think of why I had not

One reason being my one sister is being a total pain in the butt, the other is doing the yuppie thing right now and the third we talk but she is pregnant so usually falls asleep before I call which I call late because...

I am on late because I post RPG stories and such with people online and tend to be more of a night owl and staggered late timewise so I miss talking to my sisters which made me miss hearing.....

The lines from Ghost when we quote them so I was thinking back to Whoopi and Edward even popped back up (as did the MadTV skit - damn that was so funny, the comedian made JE to be an ass and was telling people bad stuff, Like okay your mother says, you both should be ashamed of yourselves and your music stinks and so on)

Anyways so thinking of Ghost made me think of Demi and that got my mind to thinking about the Charlie's Angels II movie (lol yes I jump alllllll over).........

This movie, IMHO, is the biggest, most expensive PWP story I have ever known - for non-fanfic readers/writers PWP stands for Plot What Plot? Stories which are basically nothing more story wise than an excuse to write a sex scene between characters - plot is incidental if even there at all.

So I was thinking how much I like Charlie's Angels movie and the classic question of which Angel would you do (which now I am asking all of you, which would you do? I am a Kelly and Sabrina gal myself although in the movie Drew Barrymore hands down or hands all over or such would be my pick - LOL - loveeeeee Drew)

So once my brain came back from Drew and the Angels and that I will be watching that movie tonight - lol - I was back to mediums and Ghost and Whoopi and thought what if that really was true and you heard voices.....

How spooky would that be? And what if you did not know what the voices were - they all were different some stayed with you for awhile others came and went, some told you past, some future, some lies trying to deceive you and some true - I thought what an interesting character/person to be - this side of insane and if as in the stories I write/play trying to be a good guy trying to sift through the good and bad and lies and truths... what a way to grow up....

So that is kinda how I got from Vanessa to thinking about a character that hears voices - and I did cut out a couple of segments of places I jaunted off too during this crankswirl just to not totally lose ya - lol

And yes, I do this alllllll the time.... no wonder people do not talk to me much - lol

Friday, March 04, 2005

A major Hinge Point As I go All Reflective and Depressed on Your Butt

I'll start with, so far, the mother of all my hinge points in a way (again see my way earlier posts for my definition of a hinge point), a year so long ago (although this last year March 2004 – March 2005 is definitely another hinge point, more on that in another entry, if I remember – lol)

January – I started Graduate school at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Note to this – I had not been away from home before that except for the summer before for 6 weeks to geology field camp (isolated in the mountains no interaction save the others in the camp) and the summer before that as an intern at Smithsonian Institute in DC for two months (two other hinge points in my life again more on those later). Basically I had lived at home all through undergrad and we had no car growing up so we did not get to go places and living on welfare means we did not have money for trips.) So why hinge point?

I had never been to Philadelphia before in my life – totally fucking true. I had two summers before met the professor from U of Penn willing to accept me and be my advisor, he got me in, got me a teaching grad student position and helped me register, I never visited Philly once. I had no idea what I was doing except I had 300 dollars (all we could spare from the family) three bags and an address for the Grad Towers in Philly and my plane ticket. I got off the plane on a Saturday – took only my third cab ride in my life to the addy I gave the cabbie hoping to god I would get there. Managed to get registered ok as no hitch in my room, rode the elevator to the fifth floor, got into the apartment (no roommate yet they were coming later) and then sat staring out my window realizing I was over 2000 miles from home and starting something big – working on my well at that time PhD (more on that down further in the timeline) – basically I took a chance… big one

March - I met John – my future husband and now Ex - we split last March but were together for a long time – also I had never dated before (no joke – I lead a sheltered life in undergrad and never made out, went out, nothing) – so that was new and incredible and explains a lot about me – married the first person I dated….. (of course I am now thrust back out into the world of no one in my life at that level)

Summer – lost my virginity, worked up at the Smithsonian again and really explored myself, Philadelphia and lots of things - would be last time I saw my mother alive - I never said goodbye to her - her brain was affected soon after and she was never really lucid much again

October – finally lost god – had been raised with some religion in the house most of life (that is a whole other topic in and of itself) but had been Episcopalian for the last 6 or so years… even taught Sunday school – but things started happening my senior year of undergrad and continued in this year and basically this is when I switched to being an atheist. Attended my last major church service

November – I will state right now for the record – I hate November – for so many reasons – it is just a bad month – still, to this day hate it – but here is some of what happened this particular November…

Beginning part presented PhD idea for review so I could proceed with getting my degree. Got told by a chauvinist prig of a professor basically women had no place in science especially geology especially in this department and he and another would never okay my project as a PhD so I basically backed down, did not fight and agreed to get my Masters and get out

Thanksgiving – my mother died - after fighting cancer and so many other mental and health problems….

December – I and my next oldest sister officially made guardians of two youngest sisters both under 18 and now with no father or mother. I make a choice and in January left to go back to school – left those three back in AZ – abandoned my family because I wanted to finish school and had a relationship with John – my sisters ended up going through a lotta shit the next year and I know without a doubt I could have changed their lives if I had stayed or at least brought the youngest with me back to Philly. I made a bad choice because I was selfish and wanted to finish…. Weird how the end of one of my hinge points is a hinge point for others….

Other major things happened during that year too, but that is just an example of a hinge point in my life

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Good News That Sounds So Wrong

From USAToday Online -

"Black box" labels warning that antidepressants can increase suicidal behavior in children should be on the drugs most widely prescribed to kids by mid-March, five months after the Food and Drug Administration ordered them, according to FDA documents.

Approval letters went out in mid-February to the makers of Prozac, Zoloft and Celexa, Cruzan says. In mid-January, the letter went to GlaxoSmithKline, maker of Paxil and Wellbutrin. These five antidepressants are the most widely prescribed to children, according to IMS Health, which tracks prescription drugs.

The warnings say that about 2 in 100 children taking antidepressants are more likely to think about or try suicide because they're on the pills.

An FDA scientific advisory panel recommended the black boxes, which are reserved for the most dangerous drugs, after a hearing in September.

Even Prozac causes a 50% higher risk of suicidal behavior in kids, according to an FDA analysis released last fall.

Okay – reading that it just sounds wrong – a medicine to help depression causing suicide??????

I am glad this has been recognized but just shows you how tricky the world of depression really is

Okay my last few entries do have like a decided bleak/downer tone – I think it is because March 11th is coming up and it is like a date I am dreading and feeling blue about for a few reasons - blah, blech and crapola - plus one PMS side affect I experience is getting major/mega emotional and crying at everything (and that time is coming soon - also right around the 11th - maybes people should stay away for a few days)

I like really go off on a couple of topics when I PMS and those topics actually converge around the 11th – so like hang in there will hopefully have more perky entries soon…. :-/

Ten People

Ten People

Ten people gathered today and spent an hour to decide the future of a little 4 and a half year old girl.

Ten people

They talked about her social skills and academic abilities and her physical abilities and limitations

Ten People

There were teachers, parents, therapists, psychologists, child study team members

Ten people

I sat there trying to stay focused and listen, trying not to stare at my hands and display those body language signs that would tell outsiders how nervous I felt being there, how upset inside I was, how I kept calculating the distance to the bathroom because I felt like puking at any second

Ten People

Each had their own style, some talked more than others, ex-husband made jokes that went over the heads of some and was kinda unPC (that's John for you making a comment that our daughter will be the kind of person in the future to be a great leader or be the one handing out the doctored koolaid (reference to the cults for those of you who that went over head) but in an elementary school most thought he was serious (oh theresa likes koolaid that is good) or did not even smile - one person got it and laughed. But each person contributed in some way to the meeting to the discussion

Ten People

I have this thing against doctors, medical types and even settings such as this – it makes me more than uncomfortable and here I was looking at and trying to listen to and focus on...

Ten People

One little girl's future sitting in 20 hands, talking about things so deep and heavy but seemed to me to be talking as casual as being asked the time of day - how can they be so light and casual?

Ten People

And all I want to do is scream, leave and drop into a hole in the Earth – they all want to help, all laugh and seem happy, why do I not feel that way

Nine People

Caring, working towards a solution thinking over things and wanting to do what is right

One Person

Wanting to be anywhere but in that little bitty chair (which on a side note – of all the people there – I actually fit the itty bitty chair due to my short stature, everyone else looked so funny like mock-ups at an Alice in Wonderland tea party)

Nine People

Going about their daily work duties which for this hour focused on a four and a half year old

One Person

Loves her daughter more than anything and yet has feelings that this one person hates because it makes her seem whiney and uncaring and ungrateful (Spina Bifida is such an awful thing in its worse form the person is confined to a chair unable to walk, move and function without help, Theresa has only a mild form and I am grateful, I know so many go through so much more, so much worse and yet…

One Person

Sitting, staring at her hands willing herself to nod and agree to anything not wanting to speak out afraid she will say the wrong thing, be perceived as doing something wrong, as not caring or understanding – a person who will be on death's door before considering going to a doctor who is now forced to go to meetings and hospitals and doctors and specialists constantly and has to focus on words and names and conditions (things that her bad memory makes harder to know and makes her look like a uninterested parent) all the time to care for her daughter and feeling like a fucking ass because she uses/thinks words like "forced" and "have to" and "hates it" and "ungrateful" and "depressed" when thinking about this

Ten People

Meeting ends and they leave a little closer to what to do to help the child

Nne People

who are already on to thinking about the next task and next thing as the meeting has ended and they turn their attentions elsewhere

One Person

Leaves wishing that was the final meeting not wanting to think to the next appointment or meeting or decision – not answering the phone so she can delay thinking and doing putting stuff off, conning others to call the doctors and specialists – leaving much to her ex-husband because she is a coward, because she pukes in the bathroom before and after calling a doctor to try and make an appointment or ask a question or attending a meeting and who will spend the next 12 hours obsessing over the meeting and picking it apart

One Person

who thinks she is the most ungrateful bastard on the earth because she has a daughter who compared to others is very healthy, runs, laughs, lives and yet she still complains, gets depressed so bad she stares at the ceiling for hours wondering if sleep is even a real action, gets so down that she can not even think straight and everything is blah and just trying to do a simple task like get off the couch and go get a drink is hard because her motivation is so low, someone who spends too much wasted time because she is so nervous she can not focus on anything else other than how to talk and listen (granted those feelings come not just from this part of her life but many facets but she still feels those things and that way)

One person

who sometimes wishes she was one of the other nine…..