Ten People

Ten People

Ten people gathered today and spent an hour to decide the future of a little 4 and a half year old girl.

Ten people

They talked about her social skills and academic abilities and her physical abilities and limitations

Ten People

There were teachers, parents, therapists, psychologists, child study team members

Ten people

I sat there trying to stay focused and listen, trying not to stare at my hands and display those body language signs that would tell outsiders how nervous I felt being there, how upset inside I was, how I kept calculating the distance to the bathroom because I felt like puking at any second

Ten People

Each had their own style, some talked more than others, ex-husband made jokes that went over the heads of some and was kinda unPC (that's John for you making a comment that our daughter will be the kind of person in the future to be a great leader or be the one handing out the doctored koolaid (reference to the cults for those of you who that went over head) but in an elementary school most thought he was serious (oh theresa likes koolaid that is good) or did not even smile - one person got it and laughed. But each person contributed in some way to the meeting to the discussion

Ten People

I have this thing against doctors, medical types and even settings such as this – it makes me more than uncomfortable and here I was looking at and trying to listen to and focus on...

Ten People

One little girl's future sitting in 20 hands, talking about things so deep and heavy but seemed to me to be talking as casual as being asked the time of day - how can they be so light and casual?

Ten People

And all I want to do is scream, leave and drop into a hole in the Earth – they all want to help, all laugh and seem happy, why do I not feel that way

Nine People

Caring, working towards a solution thinking over things and wanting to do what is right

One Person

Wanting to be anywhere but in that little bitty chair (which on a side note – of all the people there – I actually fit the itty bitty chair due to my short stature, everyone else looked so funny like mock-ups at an Alice in Wonderland tea party)

Nine People

Going about their daily work duties which for this hour focused on a four and a half year old

One Person

Loves her daughter more than anything and yet has feelings that this one person hates because it makes her seem whiney and uncaring and ungrateful (Spina Bifida is such an awful thing in its worse form the person is confined to a chair unable to walk, move and function without help, Theresa has only a mild form and I am grateful, I know so many go through so much more, so much worse and yet…

One Person

Sitting, staring at her hands willing herself to nod and agree to anything not wanting to speak out afraid she will say the wrong thing, be perceived as doing something wrong, as not caring or understanding – a person who will be on death's door before considering going to a doctor who is now forced to go to meetings and hospitals and doctors and specialists constantly and has to focus on words and names and conditions (things that her bad memory makes harder to know and makes her look like a uninterested parent) all the time to care for her daughter and feeling like a fucking ass because she uses/thinks words like "forced" and "have to" and "hates it" and "ungrateful" and "depressed" when thinking about this


Ten People

Meeting ends and they leave a little closer to what to do to help the child

Nne People

who are already on to thinking about the next task and next thing as the meeting has ended and they turn their attentions elsewhere

One Person

Leaves wishing that was the final meeting not wanting to think to the next appointment or meeting or decision – not answering the phone so she can delay thinking and doing putting stuff off, conning others to call the doctors and specialists – leaving much to her ex-husband because she is a coward, because she pukes in the bathroom before and after calling a doctor to try and make an appointment or ask a question or attending a meeting and who will spend the next 12 hours obsessing over the meeting and picking it apart

One Person

who thinks she is the most ungrateful bastard on the earth because she has a daughter who compared to others is very healthy, runs, laughs, lives and yet she still complains, gets depressed so bad she stares at the ceiling for hours wondering if sleep is even a real action, gets so down that she can not even think straight and everything is blah and just trying to do a simple task like get off the couch and go get a drink is hard because her motivation is so low, someone who spends too much wasted time because she is so nervous she can not focus on anything else other than how to talk and listen (granted those feelings come not just from this part of her life but many facets but she still feels those things and that way)

One person

who sometimes wishes she was one of the other nine…..