Saturday, April 30, 2005

okay had to check damn my curiosity

Okay had to see meaning of quote I ended last entry with Viva La Loca (cause I like that song but like another song with a french phrase that I embarassed myself with because I did not know the meaning and got into a funny conversation with someone.... I had to check so if I am warbling this chorus in the middle of somewhere I will not blush) - in - this came back I LIVE THE LUNATIC

So hey it works for me :) I am a Lunatic and living so whew that fits and if I ever find that special woman then maybe I will type to her

Adorar al loco


A big Wah and a slightly bigger Hoo

Starting with a big WAHHOO – got my contract for next year – I have my job for another year – the job that leaves me frustrated and exhilarated, overworked and getting to do new things. I love it but find it very hard and overwhelming quite often.

Also working on these curriculum things with teachers – whew some teachers are very very worried about writing the curriculum and I am actually scared because I have never done this – it is like doing the trapeze without a net – I have no f*ing idea what to do really or where this will end up

Hmmm side ramble – I have never done a trapeze – I'd love to try but I have a feeling it would end up like this awful experience at Epcot Center in Florida

Epcot has the different countries and each country has a ride or theme activity and then a restaurant and such. Well in Norway or such they have Viking themed stuff. One thing is this Viking ship playground. Well I had to go on it cause well I go on all the playground stuff at Disney as well as the "grown-up" things cause I one love all of Disney and the detail and two I am immature and a big kid – actually I am shorter than some of the kids in those rides – lol

Well one of the parts of the Viking ship is a knotted rope you can swing on and off the ship – there is no net or nothing it is just the rope and down to the ground which is about oh 2 and a half of me so I'd say it was about 10 – 12 feet high. So I am messing around, John is down on the ground watching (and damn he has the camera so yes there are pictures of this – you wanna see – contact me)

So I get the idea I can do the rope swing – you know swing out and back and then keep playing on the rest of the ship like an idiot.

Well so I grab hold and just as I push off – I have a flashback – to why I and rope swings DO NOT MIX – I was at a waterpark about a year before this and they have the rope swing into the pool ride along with the slides and shit. Wellllllllll I am egged into trying it – I am like a chickenshit person and not very athletic.

I grab hold and go to swing and my arms release as soon as my feet leave the platform – I MEAN AS SOON AS – no air time – nothing – everybody was laughing their ass off and the like. So I haul my butt out of pool determined and again I have rubberwoman arms and WHOOSH straight damn down.

Well I get this flashback as my feet leave the platform (damn blonde spacy brain blocking those memories until too late) And guess what

FOOM and WHOOSH and down I go – this time though, I held onto the rope as I fell – so not only did I bruise my damn butt and pride, but rope burns on my arm but actually somewhere else

Um embarrassing
Like the inside of my thighs


I walked like a damn cowboy for half the day - lmao

Anyways yes trying a trapeze would be exciting and cool and damn dangerous as I am sure I'd go PLOP O RAMA on my ass

Um where was I?


So lots going on in work – more stories about work – some stuff going on is just making me stop and stare at my co worker and go – OMG this is so f*ed up

Okay I look nonplussed and go, Oh my – but I am thinking MAJOR F*ed up – lol

And hey actually may get to get my hair cut tomorrow only been trying for three damn weeks

Okay I will go now – lots more where this came from – like was talking to someone yesterday and watching movie Michael and the road trip habits I have came up and I shared stuff including the Dairy Queen mummy which every time I think about it I always lmao – damn I need to go exploring and drag people with me – so much damn awesomeness out there to find and taste and touch and see and smell (well not some smell cause they make me gag puke) but you get the idea

VIVA LA LOCA – um wait what does that mean – it means like all is awesome – right?


Thursday, April 28, 2005


Ever get to a place where your heart is going in two opposite directions and screwing your soul and mind over as it rips you apart so bad you physically hurt? Yea? Me too...

Ari Scott - Fill Of Love
(written by: Ari Scott)

fill of love
all i ever wanted was to be accepted and
all i ever wanted was not to be rejected and
all i ever wanted was just some
love love love love love love love love

all i ever wanted was an explanation
of life and the universe and why it's here and
why we are here upon this earth wanting and needing
love love love love love love love love

i need someone who can explain these things
to me and like me for who i am and not
go away when things get sticky dirty and weak
bu-duh bu-buh bu-dup-a-dup buh bu-dup

all i ever wanted was some adoration and
all i ever needed was some adulation and
if you can give me these things then i'll give you the time and
love love love love love love love love

i need someone who can offer these things
to me and like me for who i am and not
walk away when things get nasty filthy and dark
bu-duh bu-buh bu-dup-a-dup buh bu-dup

and if you're ever in town and you wanna look me
up but you don't think you can qualify to be with me you know
i won't waste your time if you won't waste mine

bu-duh bu-buh bu-dup-a-dup buh bu-dup

all i ever wanted was to live a long life and
not die until i was sure i had completed my
purpose in life and had my fill of love
fill of love fill of love fill of
love fill of love fill of love fill
of love fill of love fill of love

i need someone who can guarantee these things
for me and like me for who i am and not
run away when things get unruly and twisted
bu-duh bu-buh bu-dup-a-dup buh bu-dup

music and lyrics by ari scott ©2002

in the spirit of joni mitchell's "all i want" and alanis
morissette's "all i really want," this song will probably open
my next album. i was so close to calling this "all i ever wanted,"
but decided against it.



By the shadows of the night I go
I moved away from the crowded room
That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret
They don't know how to feel, they don't know what is lost


Lost in the darkness of a land
Where all the hope that's offered is
Memories of being taken by the hand
And we are led into the sun

But I don't have a hold on what is real
Though we can only try
What is there to give or to believe
I want it all to go away I want to be alone
Sympathy's wasted on my hollow shell
I feel there's nothing left to fight for
No reason for a cause
And I can't hear your voice and I can't feel you near


I wanted a change knowing all I could do was try
I was looking for someone...

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Updating my Stories

Been working to update my web site and adding stories including the Online Love stuff I mentioned earlier

Oooo that's embarrassing an Rated R lecture and the E word(s)

Okay I guess sometimes I just get a little enthusiastic when I teach. I tend to move around and not stay still as it is – I start out up front by the projector and overhead. But slowly I start walking around up and down the rows and sometimes even talking from the back.

Well by now I hope the students are a little use to it. Well especially lately I know I have really been getting into the topic I have been teaching – plate tectonics.

Well I see the amusement on my student's faces as I say things or do things or ramble on and make odd phrases – cause my blondeness shows through (not in an overtly bad way) in my teaching.

Well tonight I am talking about convergent plate boundaries – places on the Earth where hundreds to thousands of miles (should be kilometers but since the United States is like one of three idiot countries not using the metric) well these pieces of crust come moving together creating over time mountain ranges like the Himalayans.

Now I am already skating on thin ice this lecture because we are talking about mountain building which is called orogensis and an event is called an orogeny.

And I still always hesitate when lecturing on this topic because of the one time in class I kida said orgy and I have slipped and said orgasm – like I should not think about my RPG writing when doing this topic – talk about major slip… I had lost the class big time when I did that.

In fact a lot of geologic words are very suggestive (thrusting and I could go on but I stop now) and I often have to pause or blush or get interesting comments (like the time I swear when talking about the mineral silicate - I had a student go into how this was the silicon not silicate mineral like what they use in fake boob jobs - man I get some crazy-ass answers on my tests)


I already had a few students smirking as I was introducing orogeny and I was like okay just stop – smirk gets bigger, come on no going there – we both smirk more and then get through.

Well I am explaining the Himalayan mountain formation and how this tremendous clashing of forces creates energy such that thick slabs of earth can be bent and torn and crumpled and shoved thousands of miles form its origin

So I point at the overhead, voice getting all excited and arms waving so I know they are already having a hoot watching the little blonde get excited – which is even funnier considering the classroom.

It is not a traditional lecture classroom – it is a chemistry lab room – complete with the raised chem. Benches and high straight back chairs which are very uncomfortable to sit in for any length of time – but the raised bench and my height combines means realistically get one row of bench away and you can not see me very well so I am like a bobbing blob of arms and such.

Anyways so I am getting exacted and going into this big thing and I press my finger down on the overhead "This is sooo cool and incredible, you can actually get huge pieces of land moving thousands of miles away I mean you can go from here," stab and make loud noise on overhead, "To all the friggin way over here." I use my blue pen to make a large star half way across the Asian continent

And my class looses it. Thy all start and I am like what – and one says "You said Friggin," I start to blush and guess what I almost say which would have helped the situation – "Oh shit!" I manage to catch myself and keep that in my brain.

Meanwhile trying to dig myself out, class keeps laughing and commenting I said frigging. I am blushing like crazy – I tell them this is the second time our lecture has gone PG-13 and R territory (I explain first in minute – what a wacky lecture) well finally I get them settled and my brain comes back from the chaotic edge and we go on but they liked that I said Friggin and with a lotta emphasis and energy and enthusiasm E words to die for in a lecture class (NOT!)

The other thing which was of note – and I left for the chemistry teacher since he never erases his board he might as well see some of my lecture, well one woman is 5 months pregnant – oh that is another thing – I have an 8 month old woman planning on going on my field trip next week - the trip itself should be fun and awesome but whew I think we should have much interesting blog after that


So she is 5 months and today got sonogram and those newer 4-D pictures – which are amazing and wow we could really see the baby – whew – the face and everything –

It was funny the one picture had a great down below shot and it is a boy so it had an arrow pointing to the little dot that actually said boy (pointing to that lovely area)– I was like oo show that one to future girlfriend – "Look some things did not change much" oo that bad and embarrassing – hehe

Anyhoo so she is talking about the wacko technician trying to get good pictures and pushing all over her belly and going all "Come on honey dance for mommy" yes that must have been a weird time for the student and it was funny the student showed the different poses they caught the baby in and was demonstrating how the baby kept moving and doing this arm thing and I SWEAR what she did looked like a bad version of the Macarena – Ally McBeal dancing baby all over again


So she is drawing a visual to help explain why some of the pictures are not as good. This is on my Physical Geology class during the break. She gets up on the board and starts drawing "This is the placenta – okay well the placenta thingy (insert about 5 comments from the various students standing round about thingy and her drawing that looked like a red – yes she chose red moon shaped watermelon slice or something

Then she starts drawing circles and arrows "And if the baby's head was here – great pics. But it is here." Marker still drawing this whole time.

So now on one portion of my board I have this weird drawing of a placenta thingy

Which I leave up for rest of lecture – eh if I needed the board – but I use the overhead a lot.

So yes all around interesting lecture tonight – man I love teaching this class – lol

Most of the time.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

What am I feeling?

Below are a few songs by Savage Garden – I love their stuff – especially the CD titled Affirmation

To me that CD is like one massive love story/dedication – it just really for me hits the way I view some things and if I ever feel enough to dedicate the CD to you, well then that means the romantic sap in me is rearing its head and you mean a lot – of course I could say that about a lot of songs – my relationship Lyrics file I keep is like up to 50+ pages – lol and always adding songs every day


Day started off with a bang – literally – I fell outta bed cause I forgot to set the alarm and was almost late for my workshop so in a hurry and got tangled up in the sheets – I am always getting tangled up in something – lol I am a klutz both physically and mentally – tripping over thoughts and words – lol - I joke about being blonde and such but I really am a frazzled, rambling, spacey blonde more often than not - that's me - deal or leave me a lone - after 30 seconds my short temr memory will kick in and I'll foget what I was going to say anyway

Finding nemo's Dory is my idol! LOL

Taught an all day Introduction to Digital Video workshop today and also had two curriculum meetings with teachers to basically continue filling my summer.

The teachers have to write or revise their class curriculum and I am the one in charge – the meetings today and last week was for my boss the Assistant Superintendent of Curriculum, technology and instruction (as I said the real person who runs the school – it is always the woman of power behind the façade of title that gets things done and I am like the woman behind the woman – oooo what a nice position – j/k

Anyhoo so more teachers I am going to work with to reassure and help them – let's see so I am doing – Exploratory total (working with 6 teachers), special education, carpentry, cooling, heating and plumbing, marketing, another carpentry class, health, peer leadership, applied 9 English, world religions, robotics, discrete math, and a few others – I am going to know that school inside and out pretty soon

If I had the credentials I think my boss who is retiring soon is trying to get me in line for her job which is cool but will not happen – I just hope I can keep working there and have a job in the future – at least I am almost 100% positive I am working for another year (they renew my contract on a year to year basis)

Watching Scooby Doo 2 – well weird – lol

And I leave you with the songs as I am going to go and practice the piano in a bit - also going to post up this week another story I am working on called Online Love – it is different writing as well

"I Knew I Loved You"

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
and there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe


I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
only this sense of completion
and in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I found my way home
I know that it might sound more than
a little crazy but I believe

[repeat chorus]

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I found you

[repeat chorus to fade]

"Crash And Burn"

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

"The Best Thing"

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Sometimes I feel like this is only chemistry
Stuck in a maze searching for a way to
Shut down turn around feel the ground beneath me
You're so close where do you end where do I begin?
Always pushing and pulling
Sometimes sanity takes vacation time on me
I'm in a daze stumbling bewildered
North of gravity head up in the stratosphere
You and I roller coaster riding love
You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

Walk on broken glass make my way through fire
These are the things I would do for love
Farewell peace of mind kiss goodbye to reason
Up is down the impossible occurs each day
This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You're the center of adrenaline
And I'm beginning to understand
You could be the best thing about me

Never want to fly
Never want to leave
Never want to say what you mean to me
Never want to run
Frightened to believe
You're the best thing about me

You could be the best thing about me
What if you're the best thing about me?

"The Lover After Me"

Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny
I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Friday, April 22, 2005

Random Rambles

So watching the L word and really liking it – YAY for renting – BOO I only have basic cable…, also grading labs, having a kitten claw its way up my leg... just a normal Thursday night/Friday morning.

Made it through my meeting Wednesday without major puking I was sooooo nervous and it went okay. I got all upset and it was not too bad.

Had a chance to get a free kitten Wednesday so I went for it. It is orange and white and named Gyro Too - I have a history of naming animals after foods... hmmm let's see Cocoa, mustard, mayonaise, gyro, cheesesteak, I could continue but have embarrassed myself enough on this subject

My mind finally stopped the hectic ramble as today was a little slower and tomorrow is paperwork catch up day – never thought I'd be saying PAPERWORK IS AWESOME

I guess never say never – you never know what may happen, almost anything is possible just usually we don’t get what we want or wish or desire or we get it in bucketloads and choke on it but all things have a remote possibility – of course if I ever say SHIT IS AWESOME – I really so think I will have stepped into a surreal alternate universe – yes my mind still cuts to random shit at the drop of a millisecond

Still being chased but that is so convoluted and complex and not what I want… but eh I'll keep look high low and in between for something although really it is the stuff that plop drop and stop into my lap that hits me the hardest – not the things that I chase or chase me… but still keeping an eye in those places – although I need a step ladder for the high, tiptoes for the medium and got the low all covered – lol

You know it is weird being short – little things you never think of… ooo damn I got in a good pun

But people walk into my house and go I am in the land of the little people – lol – a wake up call was when my roommate in grad school came in my room and pointed out that she had to bed down to see my mirror and other things on the way and like there was this gap between the stuff on the wall and the ceiling

Oh well if I ever decide to go work for Disney which is one of my five secret dream jobs – I love the whole Disney thing even though many say it is a big glut corporation – but I can be so immature and a kid and I just love watching people and the whole detail in theme parks and so yeah - anyhoo

I am the right size for fitting in a lot of those costumes – not the lovely princess or the tall main characters but I could be Chip or dale or the mice or the little dragon or any of those characters

Yes dying of sweat and heat exhaustion having kids and adults run after you and paw you and yell when you gotta go on break – damn it is a hoot to watch people go chasing after these characters I mean fuck movie starts these fuzzy characters are superstar gods

You send one out and a crowd draws you walk them away people go screaming after them – I saw grown women running half way across the park yelling, this is true story I swear, "Yelling Goofy, come back, stop, stop we love you, I gotta have you sign my underwear" the woman was having the characters sign her lucky underwear hehe

I wonder what else those guys are asked to sign… and also the great thing – no one can see your eyes you can be staring at bootlicous goodness (cause I am at the right height for certain nice female parts well the looking down part sucks – so I use excuse to get up on chair to get something – okay digressing from family wholesome character to leering after female parts… damn ramble)

Anyways how the hell did I end up here and where did I start – haha

So off to finish season 1 of the L word and on to trying to dance around delicate topics and not get myself into too much trouble

Monday, April 18, 2005

Now for something a little different

Not what I normally write - but I really liked it...

i can hear it
by J.E.S. April 2005,

I can hear it. It has been going on for the last hour. I could hear it in the bedroom as I lie on top of the neatly made bed. I could hear it in the bathroom as I sat against the wall staring at the toilet. I could hear it in the kitchen as I stood at the sink just looking at the drain.

Intermingled with the steady caress of raindrops on my roof it comes through again. Every two minutes. It slices through all other thought, noise, activity. I pull the comforter I keep on the couch over my head muffling the sound of the rain. I start to relax, perhaps I am….


I curl into a ball as with that simple, basic sound I feel the breath ripped from my lungs. The comforter slides to the floor forgotten as the couch shakes in time to the raindrops, the shudder of the couch matching the heaving sob that rolls from the deepest pit of my stomach up through my chest and glides up the back of my throat flooding it with the taste of salt.
I can not avoid it just as she will not let me flee.

I struggle like an animal snared by steel. I try gnawing at my heart, perhaps if I can cut it out I can escape. Just as the trapped animal is willing to live without a limb, I will exist with out a heart, a soul. I have done so for the last year, I am willing to finish what she began, just let me go.

I look up at the ceiling and blink, how did I end up here? I was on the couch seeing if perhaps I was drawing my last painful breath and now I am lying here the wooden floor pressing against my back much as her guiding hand once did and will again. Just as she swept me away with a look, a touch, a kiss… I now find myself swirling down the path she illuminated with her glorious beauty and presence.

A presence that drew me, like a moth to the fire and we all know what happens to those that play with fire. I tighten my arms and adopt the fetal position I know so well as I lay here scalded deeper than any natural flame could ever touch. She burns with an intensity that would rival the sun. If you stare at the sun too long you will go blind and I find I now can not see save her brillance, the price I pay for having dared to worship her and gaze upon her features.


A shiver runs through me as the sound fades once again. It is a shiver unlike any other save for the way my body would erupt and flow as she touched me. Power in her fingers, electric in her breath, and poison upon her lips, lips I kissed again and again willingly drinking the poison I knew was there.

It happened so fast that time stood still and I gladly surrendered my eternity to her as she beckoned from across the room. I dared to break the barrier, a simple charitable act, I brought her a glass of water to quench her parched whisper even though she was out of my league, my realm, if only I had stayed in my safe place. Played by the rules. Not gone to her table with the glass.

Not felt her warm touch melt the ice in the glass and my soul. The instant of meeting was all it took to chain my existence to her. Chance plays its games well and decided to spin the wheel of misfortune in my direction. I was never lucky in life and it seems that carries well into love and will follow me even into death - I know that now, she showed me that.


I crawl across the floor whimpering slightly as the shrill echo assaults my ears, senses, mind, body… all parts of my essence bowing to the pain because she desired to bring me pleasure. A simple gift that all should beware. For her dalliance on my mortal awareness gifted me with the greatest curse…. Obsession.

The world faded that night as we merged, I never heard the sound of the glass as it crashed to the floor shattering. I never heard the sound of my soul as it too was broken, dashed against the perilous rocks of her beauty, her pull, her aura. My freedom tamed into submission and tethered like a bird whose wings have been shorn off.

The need to fly seduced from me as my passion drove me to throw myself and all I possessed at her feet, carelessly agreeing to serving a master whose cruelty stemmed from my own shortcomings, my own limitations, my own inability and yet she accepted, foolishly I groveled my thankfulness at her willingness to allow my caress, to feed my thirst.

I flew that night, soared into the sun, and found my future eclipsed by her past as we danced together and learned the subtle joy of knowing another like no other and knowing you will never know another such as her. Risen up by her generous touch, crushed down by her generous voice.

For when she beckons I can not struggle, I can not think, I can not breath, unless that is her desire, her need, then it is mine. Linked would be a blessing, I am smothered, tortured and released only to know my lease is short because she clasps the other end tightly. I snapped the collar into place as I brushed by her to refill her glass.

Willingly I let her eyes and words drill into my guarded heart. I sharpened the axe that she skillfully used to sever my link to this world. I helped build the net that stopped me from drifting away from her influence, from remembering who I was, what I did, what it meant to live.


I have reached the counter where the cell phone sits, the voicemail notification alarm beeping every two minutes letting me know a message has come. The one I have craved, longed for, allowed the voracious hunger to dine upon my reason and sanity for… I know it is her.

Trembling I pick up the phone and press the receive button. The most loathsome and yet erotic act I have ever done.

I crumble again to the floor as I feel myself grow damp, the arousal so think in the air it drowns out everything else. I begin to tremble as I hear the first ring, the passion rising in my thighs and flowing to the center of my world now. The only thing that commands any attention or fulfillment, all else she has shown me to be worthless.

The second ring brings a moan from my inner id bursting forth to drown out the third ring which brings me to the edge, I hang there quivering on the ledge of erotic lust and meaningful love.

She picks up and the world stops spinning. Her voice issues two words, which send me over the precipice and falling physically and mentally I groan out as the spasm washes over me, her single laugh then sounds out filled with the knowledge of the power she wields over me prolonging the feeling, stroking more from me to elicit yet another series of ripples.

She repeats the words once more, words I will forever be a prisoner of and she knows. She has always known and expected no less. I was stalked and chosen from the moment I came into being, my sole purpose clear now. To be hers.

"I'm waiting" once more comes from the phone that lays now in the empty house as its occupant has already gone, running into the night, the rain soaking me as I fly to my destiny, to her. You should never keep the ones you love waiting.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

A Typical Fun Work Day for me - wheeeee - NOT

Decided to try and keep track of what I am doing just to see what a day is like - and I will be honest - I missed stuff I did - just could not write and remember everything - I should wear a pedometer and see how much I walk too - lol - and this is not the busiest day I have had lately - this is pretty slow


up at 6 to get myself and daughter ready

7 - drive to drop daughter off with my ex at his house and coordinate some things

740 - get to work - answering phone messages, printing workshop materials and all sorts of projects

first period 755 - 845

Spanish class comes in and helping students creating Spanish children's books in Publisher - damn line tool work, damn it work, work, live, you can do it.............., um student so and so how about we try something else - lol -

Teacher forgot ALT codes for Spanish characters so I Googled for her and printed a few sheets for reference - we got the students typing everything up no excuses - lol we are styling now!!!!!!!!!

Spanish teacher taking them into media center next week and will call me so I can be there to answer tech questions and help with Publisher and book formatting - I am a book publisher now - yay

second period 845 - 930 -

Teaching video on demand to the other Spanish teacher he is pretty good tech wise so not as hard- we have a service that allows for access to over 4000 videos and 3000 images so teaching them how to use it and such - found a cool video series called Flipped: two people change roles - they are cools

Helping French teacher print flyers for a school dance, history teacher comes in needing to download digital images from camera so we do that and I have three students stop by needing various tech help - managed to score hole in ones and answer all those questions...

Third period 930 - 1020 -

co worker comes in and discusses tutoring with me - she and I are the tutoring co-directors we are responsible for scheduling teachers, doing payroll, scheduling students, creating matching tutor/student schedules generating notification letters rescheduling and other shit that comes up - we do tutoring by marking period - so if student fails math marking period 1 they are in math tutoring (mandatory) for marking period 2 (tutoring sessions are once a week 40 minutes after school for 6 or 7 weeks) if they pass math 2nd marking period then no more tutoring - so the tutoring schedule has to be done every MP - we just ended tutoring session last week and are making the schedules as MP3 ends Friday - so she asked me to create this letter form and send to all teachers asking them for a projection (grades are due Friday and Monday) of failing students so we can see how many tutors we need - I gotta do that after my next training appointment which is for Access

Then we start talking about what we have to do today and spend a few minutes trying to get through what projects we are working on and she is meeting with our boss about a grant and asks me if she can tell boss anything so I pull a few things outta my butt and thank her for asking about them - hope she gets good answers

10 - ok waiting - the office person was making tea so I am going back in 15 minutes - while there another office person asked me about having trouble writing on this new kind of color printout and I solved her problem - use a sharpie - well I only have the fat tip one she says - again I can help I say - I go back to office to get fine tipped sharpie and wait 15 minutes to do training

in hall on way back to office I am stopped by the Carpentry teacher - he has one of my center's digital cameras and is doing student projects and has question about batteries and other issues with camera - I answer questions and send him in direction of tech department for batteries I do not have those - well I have my supply cause being in with the tech department is a good thing and I always get stuff - I know how to work the system and get the goods - another reason why teachers come to me - I stroke the techies egos and such and get what I want - hehe damn I am connected just teasing

walking the halls and going into offices is dangerous for me - I can not tell you how many times I get stopped going to the bathroom - I have the fricking door open and people stop me asking questions

10:10 - Communications arts teacher (she does the video production occupational class) calls me on phone (DAMN it I answered i usually let voice mail pick it up - that'll teach me)- another staff member had checked out one of our cameras and gave the camera to her to download the pics because she does the schools news page and she was going to put the pictures on the page - well she calls her computers are not locating the camera and she can not download and she has done stuff in past - so 8th period I am going over will check her USB ports with another one of my cameras but then take camera here and download pictures for her so she can get to them - hope I can fix that problem alters

third period into fourth - working with office staff to teach Access because they need to develop a database for their administrator - so helping create the database and teaching them access - thank goodness this person has a bit of knowledge and is easy to work with - well all was good until access crashed but I saved the patient, yes I did - I am good

fourth period 1020 - 11- turned my workshop hand out for tonight's workshop into a web page - damn I love web design and dreamweaver but created a few pages for the workshop

Also during fourth and into fifth managed to do some paperwork and update Summer conference binder with information for the conferences I am coordinating

I am director of the QUILT - questioning and understanding to improve learning and teaching team - this is a new program we are bringing in ( I am doing everything from getting teachers involved, to training using these methods to booking hotels, creating budgets, scheduling meetings, and even buying flip charts for workshops - you name it I am doing it for this program

I am also director and site coordinator for our three NAF academies (National Academy Foundation,, The quilt conference is June 19 - 24 in Nashville and I am doing everything from creating purchase orders and registering people to coordinating flights and training my team on what to expect. NAF is July 16 - 20 - I am Director of everything which means I am overseeing a lot.

So had to email out hotel address to all quilt people and also coordinating people for NAF - we have a new counselor coming on board in May and my boss wants her to go to NAF so I am tracking down her address to contact her - been to two people going to get it eventually and then ask her if she is available - yes I will - It is a treasure hunt with her address as the reward

Also during 5th 11 - 1140 - I talked to tech staff about printing issues and started changing over machines to accommodate yet another printer - we have color printers so teachers and students come to us to print

Stopped the Tech coordinator as he came through to remind him of Monday's workshop - an all day intro to digital Video - I have a handful of teachers from around the county coming and he is going to present some of the workshop for me before I do the rest - also he is serving on the advisory board for one of my NAF academies and we have a site committee meeting with NAF rep next Wednesday which I HAVE to coordinate as well (just filled out the paperwork for lunch - had to figure out the menu and how many people and fill out the little thing and take to my boss - paper cuts 12 - me zero - lol)

Had to finish up Learning Styles workshop web page for tonight and FTP up direct to server, I manage the ETTC web site from creation to uploading

Started creating form for tutoring

6th period - 11:44-12:15

Working on tutoring form and discussing upcoming schedule with co-worker - found out about grant we have and will have to develop budget for spending money (yay spending money boo on paperwork) because I have been handed the newest job - helping write curriculum and being in charge of all curriculum development

This means I work with teachers to revise, rewrite or write for new classes the curriculum - this includes everything from developing the class, researching what should be taught, developing student outcomes, finding and making activities, matching curriculum to the State education standards, developing assessment tools (tests and the like) and more - well I have to help write and coordinate all of these projects now (our boss is retiring very soon and we think she is trying to prep us so we can take over - that would be cool if it happens but for now it means MORE MORE MORE WORK cause I am learning all this stuff and still doing all my other director jobs and just AGGGGG) okay anyways I am being handed the ENORMOUS task of being in charge of the TOTAL revamping of the Exploratory curriculum - a program not touched for TEN years which is major deal because ALL 9th graders take exploratory. It is an introduction to technology, study skills and ALL of the occupational classes we offer.

See we are a full time vocational/technical school so students get all the regular academic classes and then they select a shop or career (like culinary, pre-law, cosmetology, we have over 24 shops) and they take classes for that specific career as well. Exploratory introduces ALL of the shops and includes rotations so they then at the end of the 9th grade apply (like for a job) to the shop of their choice (they spend the next three years getting regular academic classes and specializing in their occupation). So the Exploratory class touches everything and we have added a lot of shops that no curriculum was even written for - so I get the job of rewriting and guiding this with reluctant teachers and all

But the grant my co worker was working on needs to spend money for the Exploratory shops so she needs to meet with me to discuss what supplies and equipment (COMPUTERS, COMPUTERS oh please cause the 'puters in there now are CRAPOLA) anyways so discussing the meeting tomorrow with the Exploratory teachers where my boss says we are rewriting the curriculum over the summer and next year and Julie (lil ole me) is in charge - oh god I am nervous - anyways discussing that - and oh shit I need to create a couple of handouts for tomorrow - okay that get done laters

By the way - my boss in a way runs the school realistically which is why I and my co-worker get all these fricking jobs - cause she does and gives them to us - she is the Assistant Superintendent of Curriculum, Technology and Instruction - so it goes Superintendent, Her, and Principal.... and we report only to her -

Worked some more on the web page for workshop

7th period 12:19 - 12:59

Meeting with Computer technology Occupational class teacher and the Travel and Tourism teacher to talk about the NAF year of planning site meeting we have next Wednesday. As said I am the director and we are bringing the third academy in - Information Technology (we already have Marketing and travel and hospitality) - so we have the NAF rep coming down to talk about getting started and what we have to do - so this meeting is to talk about what we need to have ready for next Wednesday - I am very nervous about that - afraid we will not have things prepped right

I get so anal and have to have things in order and yet talking and working with me is like working with a tornado - no shit - I am a fluttergebudgit, spacey, ADHD, blonde and I am being serious. I am told it is a trip watching me work especially when really in the zone - cause I fly from thing to thing and will be talking about one thing and switch mid sentence topics and head off about something else - I am always working on something and going oh I need to do this or that'd be cool to do... but I do like to have things prepped and use highlighters and color sticky flags and post-its - a weird mix of order and analness with messy, cluttered and spacey - very weird - but then that is me - lol

Ah shit - the monthly fairy is visiting - more fun in the sun - lol crap and cramps.... thank you whomever that I keep an emergency pad in my desk - whew

Did wrong tutoring form have to edit other form

So off to meeting to discuss what we are going to do

And meanwhile our center is being used for Star Testing which is the test we give incoming 8th graders who want to apply to come to our school so have to be quiet and not do much as they are here until end of school day and we need to make sure the computers are working for them... they take the tests online

Well meeting was good but long -talked about what we need to get ready, what courses are taught for the Technology, more curriculum junk and the fact the conference is in San Diego so talked about what we need for that - and that I have to fly from Nashville straight to San Diego from one conference (actually that is a third conference in Nashville not the QUILT one I mentioned earlier - I go to Nashville twice)

I got elected to pick up Danish and bagels for the Wednesday meeting - another hat I wear - breakfast chick - lol

8th 1:00 - 1:40

Went to communications art and spent a chunk of time loading a usb driver, messing with the cameras and trying to get this teacher's computer to work

Got stopped by tech coordinator for the school as walking back to office and pulled into conference center - we just got a new system for the tech in there and I got a demo of the smart screen and sound system (whoo Jethro Tull across the speaker - lol) and also he took that time to tell me he has more training for me - all of the county has access to video streaming product we just bought (over 4000 videos, video clips and images). And he wants to give it to the other schools and then send me to train - wheeee more fun - we have what 30 schools, hundreds of educators... where is my aspirin

Sitting back at desk the techie - Mark - who is a sweetie and as much as a silly goof as me so we always joking - and he always helps me - comes over and wants dreamweaver and web page help - now I'll bump other stuff for him cause he keeps my computers running and is a good guy and overworked too -

Well he has a cover band (he plays drums) - and is making a web site for his band - TOF (The Old Fuck's - lol - he is so cool) anyways so I am going to help him with that and gave him some advice and ideas for creating Flash movies for his site.

Co worker stops by and says she got a math teacher for tutoring - hurray we are making progress as I say oh shit I gotta go send that email out -

headache is pounding as is rest of body and I gotta teach a workshop 4pm - 6pm tonight and then go do other things - okay in with the good out with the bad - hmm I have taken three ibuprofen how many can I take I wonder?????

9th period - 1:45 - 2:25

Star Testing students went on tour so I can go out and download pictures from camera to J drive and email confirmation I did that -

I am doing a quick check here... My name is Julie, okay I can still remember that I am doing ok :-D

They keep finding me - I gotta hide - a student comes from the VICA group - VICA is a national organization votech and career students enter projects into and compete - this group are three students (all girls) creating a plumbing shop (The are called the Pink Plumbers isn't that neat) well they need to learn how to make business cards as part of the competition and project - so tomorrow I get three students in the afternoon to teach them how to make business cards (I like to use Publisher) and help them get ready for the competition

2:25 - classes end

Man - building manager came in - I was told wrong way to fill out job card for ordering lunch for my NAF site committee meeting next week so I had to fill out with her standing there three more forms for the meeting and lunch - man I hope that goes through okay - geez - I just wanna have a nice lunch and meeting - okay nerves coming back again

230 - working on workshop for tonight as well as sending out email memos for tutoring, NAF site meeting arranging substitutes and other things - teachers keep stopping in and asking questions

3:00 - hurray some fun - one teacher brought me Lisa Marie Presley CD to listen to and we decided to get tickets (she loves Lisa and wanted to see her and so I am like hey it is a concert I will go and we found cheap tickets - I am a whiz at finding tickets and concerts she is like hey we shoudl do this more often I tell her I am obsessed - lol - anyhoo - for once not going alone to a concert - yay!!!) it is at the Stone Pony in Asbury (a very historic venue - many famous people been there and I hear it is a cool venue and never been so that is exciting)

Back to work - I am submitting five presentations for the High Schools that work Conference in July in Nashville (actually I am on a whole school thing our school was named one of top 50 schools in the network so our reward we make a two hour presentation and everyone else chicken guess whose name is listed as presenter - yup mine - I get to go down in flames - just teasing... I hope) that I am co presenting with people -

had to write abstracts of 50 words or less - you ever try to say something meaningful in 50 words to describe a workshop (or anything really)? It is a bitch - anyways going online to submit those - topics range from Using Graphic Organizers in the classroom to an advisor program to extra help for students and more...

Ok finding I need to register the people as I sign up for HSTW conference presentation - damn it more paper work - okay registering myself and presenters

4:00 - 5:30 - Workshop - teaching a workshop to a handful of teachers on Examining Learning styles and Project-Based Learning - doesn't that sound exciting? We look at what PBL is and how they can use it in the classroom to reach all types of students - whew

600 - checked my mail - HOT DAMN we are in - lol - submitted a workshop to present at the T+L2 comference in Denever in October and they sent an acceptance letter - hehe - Improving student success through extra help programs such as turoring, study skills and more - wait now I have to think about that presentation - oh crap

okay going to leave work now around 620pm - phew

Now dashing to Borders to buy Dr. Seuss books for a baby shower for one of the teacher's tomorrow (no music Julie stay away from the books and music... but Borders is so cool they have listening stations - I go in and put on headphones and 3 hours later I am like oh shit I gotta go)

then home to do grading, and more work and I hope I can con someone into posting if my brain is not mush - just need someone to come up with the idea -

I am Toast ala mode - hehe

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Arachnida Araneae Arthropods This is your only warning

Okay that is it - stay out you eight-legged freak

not kidding here

I have no problem going squish, smush, crush, pulp-a-rama, bop, sock, pow, down-for-the-count-and-never-coming-back-up-for-air, bish, bash, smash, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp - getting the picture yet

you stay outta my car and house and way and you live

you cross my path and the nearest shoe, paper, person standing next to me body part I grab - etc. is the last thing your multi-faceted eyes will ever see

I embrace Darwin and survival of the fittest - I recognize you can bite me and spook me and build those icky webs between my windshield and the dashboard

I also know I am going to go butt-kick, whomp-there-it is on your ass if you come near me - well after I stop screaming

goes for snakes too

and ticks (more Arachnida) and just all buggie-wuggies

especially stay out of my car and house running towards me -

why do things always stalk me - is it the blonde hair, the short stature the cute facial expressions (okay stretching on that last - lol) seriously - I have been chased by freaking squirrels and ducks - what is up with that??

You have been warned... let the war begin

Vanessa Carlton - Awesome Fun

Went to see Vanessa Carlton in concert tonight – it was rescheduled form earlier and it was really good. The two opening acts were awesome and local: Andrew Holtz and Nicole Atkins (who I got to meet and had her sign my CD – Julie Rules! Oh yeah : )

Both singers were without their bands, they both had the stage dark except a microphone center stage, then they came out with their acoustic guitar and proceeded to just sing and play. I liked the mix of the two and found the songs to be great and I would see both of them again.

Then Vanessa came out – she had two pianos – the grand and a calliope type one (which she only used for two songs which was a bummer). She said since this was a make-up she'd do something a little different and do like a VH-1 Storyteller's Café but with out VH-1 – and she did.

She told a story about almost every song and did a lot of old stuff and even stuff she had not really done before. She had cool stories about vampires, unicorns, Kenn like guys, psycho switch in women, the little girl she met with cancer and more…. And her dress looked GREAT on her.

Some of the stories and older songs may be because tomorrow she has a bigger show at the Trump marina (which is funny I paid 10 those tickets are 40 – hehe) and she wanted to not do two identical shows in a row.

Her style was great and she was so friendly with the crowd. I sat stage right which was cool – the piano and Vanessa faced actually stage Left – but my view was like looking over her shoulder so I got to see her hands and body as she played, and I could see her face some and she did turn some as she sang.

I liked watching her play better anyways than watching her sing per se.

She closed with A thousand Miles (well she did one song for encore) which I like a lot because really – if you can truly sing that song (or dedicate for those with no music talent – lol) to someone, I mean really feel it and mean it – then you are crushing so hard and care so much and well that is an important person (go check the lyrics if you do not catch the meaning of why I say that about the song). It is one of my faves of hers and yes, I admit, I sang the whole thing along with her (thank god I was sitting by the speakers and no one else was tortured by my warbling) but it is just one of those songs if you have ever felt that way or ever can feel that way…….

She also thanked us for supporting live music and coming out and the like – plus the fact she chose local artists to open was cool too… I like that. Damn just a great show – whee and ha and oh yeah free parking – even better –

And the high school music club sold stuff so that helped them too (concession stuff)

The venue was great (it is actually part of a high school campus in Toms River). This is a good thing since next month I have ticket for Good Charlotte there. Of course the crowd was varied but mainly teeny bopper - teen girls 9some kids as young as 5 or 6) but also older people to high school students. Should be fun seeing the crowd difference for the next concert I have there.

And 94.3 the Point sponsored them – gotta see what pictures they put up on their web site.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A Cup Of Coffee (which I love the smell but yucko taste)

I like this one song by Garbage a lot – melody is haunting and it is one of the few songs I have heard that uses like a musical saw (if you have heard that sound – only other song that uses something like that that I really know about is a Wiggles song – and now trying hard not to get that stuck in my head).

But I like a lot of songs from the group Garbage – one came to mind today because of something – while it is not the exact same thing as the song – I can almost, almost substitute the words a box for a cup of coffee in the song….

And head vs heart – I find things swirling out of hand in many places in my live and that is very unsettling… in fact this last year has just been out of my hand starting with John leaving – on to other things changing, other people leaving and now… well, some good things

Work projects semi falling into place… still lots of stuff to get going - family going-ons a little quiet – which is scary in and of itself… but moving through the day overall with my usually outlook and approach to life… which is a silly but good perception usually….

Ah frell and what the hell
Life goes on, so bring it on
And if you fall, give a call
just say out loud, fuck it all

'cause I am moving on
Yes girl, damnit I'll get well
Just ain't easy, I gotta con
And some days it’s a hard sell

(by lil ole me – actually the whole thing is longer but too chicken to post anymore of my song lyrics - first time I ever put any of this type of writing out in a public forum before….)

GARBAGE - Cup Of Coffee Lyrics
You told me you don't love me
Over a cup of coffee
And I just have to look away
A million miles between us
Planets crash into dust
I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets
Hoping we might meet
I see your car parked on the road
The light on at your window
I know for sure that you're home
But I just have to pass on by

So no, of course, we can't be friends
Not while I'm still this obsessed
I guess I always knew the score
This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes
And pray that you might give me a call
I lie around on bed all day just staring at the walls
Hanging round bars at night
Wishing I had never been born
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no, of course, we can't be friends
Not while I still feel like this
I guess I always knew the score
This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes
My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor
My friends all say they're worried
I'm looking far too skinny
I've stopped returning all their calls

And no, of course, we can't be friends
Not while I'm still so obsessed
I want to ask where I went wrong
But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee
To prove that you don't love me

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Mel Brooks Had It Right - Life Stinks

Well sometimes life is disgustingly ironic – I decide to try a little and let go of something… not that I am letting go letting go – as my sister who is the wisest person I know in this topic said – you will never ever stop thinking about her or loving her, it'll just get to a much better, easier place. Plus as I realized, it has been so long now that if something happened to make the person pop back up, I'd feel awkward as shit and most likely things would have changed so much for this person that… well… things would not be the same anyway (meaning on my end cause on the other end they never knew… which I think is just as well) and I'd never say anything and find well life moves on - crazy as that is... my memories, fantasies and happies from before are what I have and I get that… but so there was someone else interested in me and while I was telling them this other person still for some shitty reason I still can not totally fathom (my brain is screwed up I swear it is, not joking) holds my thoughts and heart –(I know it is more how I felt being around Will and how I wanted to make them feel and the qualities – which is a big step because I know now what it is I found and fell in love with so there is hope I'll find it again… yeah sure right buncha shit but I have my memories and I will always hold that person in a high place)... well the thing was in an attempt to move on from my ex and from this other person I was thinking maybes about someone else – again nothing serious, can’t do that as explained up in earlier part of this passage – and I thought that was an ok place to start kinda dating, not rally but well thinking about it and such.... (as said I know what I liked and what I am holding onto regarding john and will) well this person kinda told me (and I have not been able to call back and really talk to her yet because she had her niece over and was still trying to get her to sleep) well… turns out this person is not doing so well health wise and so finally told me tonight - well kinda told me some no details yet like I said I do not have the full story still waiting to talk to them… that is how she prefaced telling me - askign if I would run away now.... seems people always abandon her in past when she has gotten sick before we had talked about that some too - istn't that a fuck... you are down and peoples go away - people are assholes, complete and utter total assholes ... ok no they are not, sometimes it is hard to go through this type of sitch, I know I have done it before and WHEE and shit looks like I will do it again :-( I should have just stayed true to Will and fuck anything else just fuck it all

Friday, April 01, 2005

Pinball and "The List"

Whew – decided to take today off – 10 month employees and students have been off this week for break but 12 month employees have to work. So I took a vacation day.

Finished up my 3 mile walk and stopped to play some pinball – love pinball. I am not very good but love it anyway – hit Austin Powers, Lord of Rings and Star Wars-return of Jedi today. Pinball is totally cool and awesome…

And of course I have another fascination with the game besides liking to play – it kinda is associated with the top thing on "The List" .

You know what "The List" is… everyone whether they admit it or not has one.

It is that list of fantasy places and setups and where you'd like to get really down and dirty – those things you mention in the same vein as say the conversation topic that goes "If you did a Charlie's Angel which one would it be"…

"The List" items are those things that when you go ahead and share you make people go… 'Ewww'….. or tilt their head and go 'how the hell could you do that there and that way'….. or stare and say 'oh my god, no way that is cool'…. And sometimes you get the reply 'making me drool thinking of that there and adding to my list'….

But my top list thing is on top of a pinball machine –yup that's right. –Ideal is in a darkened arcade all the machines still on and making all their wonderful noises as we would make ours – lol

And you know my second place on "The List" is related too – one of those plastic ball pits – haha – yup like at Chuck E Cheese or such, all those colorful funky plastic balls… :^)

Yes I know I have crossed into TMI territory but I love Pinball – watch people as they play sometime, the really good players, dang it is like they are making love to the machine ;-D

So off to get pirate treasure for a nephew which I now know to call swag not booty as I always end up blushing saying the word booty and often pronounce it as 'boody' as in "Shake Your…" lol

And watching Eulogy and I Heart Huckabee's dang those were good and weird movies – I think I might hire myself an Existential Detectives (Lily Tomlin oh I like her)… Still got a couple more movies I rented to watch may get to those tonight.. eh and ah, and wheeeee