Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Staying One Step Ahead (kinda) And Why I admire people in positions of Power

Whew - this week so far and these last few. As the summer draws to a close reality hits home that lots of projects are due and instead of finishing things up and being able to breath it is more finishing up one set and gearing up for next.

Monday was a good day but lots of prep... I seem to be playing concierge more and more around the school. It is like you need post-its, I got it... you need a ream of blue paper, scoot this way - lol - I feel like a supplies dealer or something - maybe I need to stake out a street corner somewhere - haha

Anyway administrators workshop Moday to introduce a major program coming into the school, which, here is the cool thing. The ideas in the program have been in education, but the program... the idea of getting into it... gess what.. that was MY doing... it is freaky but OMG they listened to me.

See last Jan. I went to Jacksonville for a professional development workshop and spent three days learning about this program from two wonderful ladies.

I brought it back and talked to my boss (helps that my boss is the asst. super of curriculum, instruction and technology). But I wrote reports, demonstrated how cool I thought it was and where directly it could impact our school. I then proceeded to put my actions where my mouth was. As opposed to many admin and people who go to a conference, get psyched and then come back and it goes in the pile -

You know the pile, we all have at least one somewhere - it is the pile used to pave the way to hell... in case you miss that'd sly reference it is the pile of good intentions - haha, the dust collection pile. The pile that sits there for three months to a year then gets thrown out... anyhoo

Instead of placing this workshop in my "Pile" I took it and used tit in my teaching and workshops and kept talking about it and shit if the school did not decided to go with it. I became the coordinator of the program and setup so 8 people could go to the summer training, then spent the summer coordinating follow up activities and as mentioned my boss decided the theme for the school year would be the ones in this program. So this whole movement really I can say started with me (which if people hate it I will never mention - hahaha)

It is kinda cool to see that happen, to see something you believe in and put sweat and time and tears (oh many tears, trust me and too much sweat - ewww smelly but I digress as usual) but it is neat to see people believe in something and take it and run with it and make it their own and the cool thing is if they use these techniques they really will make the classroom a better place and that is what matters.

So Monday we made the first huge leap and introduced the program and the professional development plan for the school year to the administrators in an all day workshop. Which went fairly well... OMG I just realized, I was having the Superintendent, asst. super, principal and assorted Admin people doing things... wow, cools - lol and I did not goof up or trip (okay i tripped once well twice but I blamed it on the overhead, it like got up and walked and moved and got in my way - lol - yes I am very animated when I teach and so I walk all over, wave my arms and such.... I think people say I am more fun to watch than certain shows on TV - I am not sure if that is gooooddddd or baddddd lol

But then Tuesday was filled with Bridging stuff, we had two parent meetings to organize, staff meeting, copying the exit exams and then.... then there was the thing that the second part of my title refers to and something I really did not like.

We have a policy if a student has two unexcused absences they are asked not to come to the school adn sent back to their sending district (they support the mandatory Bridging program). Well this policy said nothing about behavioral disruptions, other than we try the normal talking to student and parent. For a few years the teachers have wanted students who were major disruptions to be removed from the school (we are a full time HS but because we are the county Voc-tech we get our students from all of the schools in the county and are a school of choice).

So the teachers and admins have for years had this thing going on (thing as I am not into politics and do not care to get drawn into it any more than I must) about not being able to properly discipline students and keeping them in the school when they should be sent back (well according to the teachers and others involved, this is not my opinion one way or another as, as I said earlier, I am not involved).

So there are a few students who basically come to bridging with the 'tude I am not doing a thing you can not make me, some even get lippy. Well this year a bunch of things happen which I shall not go into as I am getting upset thinking about it again (upset like depressed and upset like pissed - lol) but an admin came to me and said we will follow through on these students and remove them before they even come to school we just need to write these reports and yadda, yadda yadda. Now I basically am getting caught between teachers and admins and this is contract negotiations and the teachers are happy because some feel they have teeth now and the admins are backing them (well supposedly) and I as Director of Bridging end up having to write the report...

And that is why I had an eye opened realize yesterday that I admire judges, admins and even teachers as they have this power, power to change a person's life. See yes the student is controlling it some to as they are copping the 'tude, but based on 18 days of a summer program, we can deny the student access to our school and send them back to their school district thus altering their future as going to different schools is a major affect.

And if I continue in my pursuit of becoming an admin one day, well I will have to learn to separate the personal from the business and play these politics. I also admire my boss even more and understand why she has to do certain things, things some perceive as being a bitch but actually.... there are a lot of sides......

Still it really threw me off yesterday - ah perspective......

But yeah I admire judges, administrators, anyone who has the power to change a future like that. Well let me amend that, I admire anyone in those positions who is willing to step into that role and do their best to do the best they can when making choices and guiding things - those that abuse this, or even worse are ignorant of how what they do fits (they are there to make money and screw the job), they should go kiss a horse's body part and get out of the profession!!!!!!

Friday, August 19, 2005

Appropriate Image

found this in another blog - kinda appropo

Doctors and Awesome Tori

Went to the dermitologist today. Found out I have a thing on my back that needs watching and of course the doctor asks if I have someone that can check it and keep an eye on it and I am like... no I don't thanks for bringing that up. Then they found a spot on my leg and it has a good chance of being a basal cell carcinoma - they did a biopsy (GOD TWO NEEDLES MAN I DO NOT LIKE DOCTORS - INSERT MORE SHOUTING AND WHINING) ok a little better - but I have an appointment for when I get back from dragon con - nothing like that to be on mind during next three weeks.

But yeah the doctor goes well that is what happens when you are blone and blue-eyes and I am like oh thank you genetic semi-luck of the draw I had the lighter skin unlike a couple of my sisters.....

So now I come out of the doctors thinking about cancer and relationships - wheee two of my favorite subjects - so mood is a bit sour right now an should get better but great things to have on my mind (insert huge sigh, no bigger sigh, bigger and longer... even bigger sigh... ok getting close that'll work...)

from my concert/music place and ramblings


well getting ready for Tori adventure tomorrow and checking the web site found they had changed the allowances for the concert -
First they were like you can barely even bring in yourself and even then you may be kicked out we are here not to have fun but police your a$$ - complete with no bringing in things to sit on you can buy/rent our stuff and your blanket can only be this big and all that....

Now if you look it is like ok chairs - yes but must be this many inches - I wonder - do they stand at the gate and measure? I should get a 10 inch chair just to see... and they really messed up the instructions cause it says 9 inches from like ground but what if you have a back that like stretches 6 feet up in air - lmao

Then i like the food in clear plastic bags clause ... right, if I am bringing something bad in I am sure I can hide it anyways - "Yes security guard dude this is a bag of chips and nothing hidden in the middle of said chips... hehe

And one factory-sealed bottle of water - how do they know it is factory sealed? What if I like fill it with my vodka and glue the lid back on with some plastic wrapped around?

Of course gluing a bottle lid is not smart - then you would be obvious using a crowbar trying to get into the bottle and finally puncturing the bottom using your keys which screws up your keys and then you have to like tank the vodka and get messed up like way early (of course missing opening act not always a bad thing - lol) and then spend end of show puking... um that I have any experience with that, that is just um a hypothetical - yeahhhhh thatssss it.....

And professional cameras - can I bring in a dinky thing - although if we really are sitting as far as shown in the example - then I could take pics and say that dot is Tori ... eh I'll bring a camera and take pictures of me pointing at the dot that is Tori - and of the person coming with me - she is a cool person to let me drag her along to stuff.

But going to get a blanket, hope the bugs are not to bad and have fun I hope. And hope the person I conned into coming likes the concert so I have a chance of conning her again at a future date to go to a concert - this way I am not like going to all of these things alone (like my usual MO).

Wonder if I can con her into coming to My Morning Jacket and Kathleen Edwards - the tickets go on sale tomorrow and prolly going to try and get tickets - thing is the venue is TLA which I did not mind - but it is standing room mainly (very few seats) and smoking allowed and the par (I do not smoke but you will smell like smoke and then some after being in there)... hmm eh, if I get guts tomorrow before 12 noon (when the tickets go on sale) I'll ask - at least see if she likes their sound and wants to go.

check out (she has full sets on her site - most cool) and (they have a video and a link to which is you scroll you can download some of their songs - and that link is a festival that sounds cool - hmm maybe a goal for next year - hehe).

Yes that is something I am thinking about this year for next summer - maybe traveling around some to see festivals. I like venues and concerts so maybe instead of waiting for them to come to me I will road trip and catch smaller local things like the live bonnaroo - of course I'd need someone along for the ride (or someones) anyone interested in doing that?

Eh yes I am weird and would enjoy that.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Funky mood and not sure why

Been trying to keep my self occupied and out of trouble. Actually moving a few projects along so some progress - still lots to do and this need to focus comes at a time when motivation is a foreign word more and more in my vocabulary and a strange concept.

And not sure why that is.

I think feelings in songs like Da Buzz - Do You Want Me and DJ Quicksilver Pres. Base Unique - Always On My Mind and Aurora - Dreaming have something to do with my feeling overall (meaning thinking of those things which leads to the oh man this is a bummer mood broken record - just skip this part peoples who actually read my stuff - I'll get to the other non blech stuff in a few - lol)

Also feeling a little more... hard to explain but just not caring as much about what I perceive as the way I come across so not as worried about watching what I say and do... lol - this happens to most people after becoming intoxicated... hmmm someone help me if I do get drunk anytime soon if I am already psyche wise half way there - lmao

That last thing actually is a good thing kinda - I mean it is a scary thing (very scary and frightening and hard to explain but terrifies me to let that control go, something I do not do often, will stop doing if I get too nervous...) for me because I have a very low self esteem and all that and have a hard time accepting a lot of things and being forward and taking chances (example being - can we say someone's name here) and going for things or at least being comfortable being truly me around people.

But I am also kinda coming to a place that says well here I am, here is world, here is the dance I wanna do, so dance with me world and oh well if sometimes I have a partner or such dancing with me and sometimes I am doing the two step for one.... but coming to that place is not fun because while not bad, it makes me say drat there are certain things out there that could make me happier, but hey I could be so much worse off, so eh... I keep searching for those happy things knowing I am not too bad off as I try to get there...

Been reading random blogs looking at glimpses of others' worlds. I knew someone in Arizona growing up that use to go to yard sales mainly to look for diaries. They loved buying journals, diaries, and would then go and read them - this was before the advent of electronic mediums like computers... people have always had fascination with what I call "Is the grass greener on the other side and is there even grass there?"

A radio station last year found a diary on the Atlantic City boardwalk (supposedly sometimes I still wonder if it was a hoax - never really checked into it) but they would read an entry everyday and man if that did not put their ratings through the roof.

Everyone was interested in this mystery person's life.

Usually only famous people had a chance of their personal scribbles being read but with blogs and a changing society and culture making more people open, now regular ole people like me can put thoughts out there and even find thoughts.

There are search engines that search specifically blogs and journals and in fact I was able to trace a couple of times people came to my blog because they searched for something and my blog came up. I have had people from all over the world at least peek at my blog (Most Blog sites such as this one have a random click button, a feature I use a lot here lately, well you click from random blog to random blog. It is interesting).

Course this means if you ever get a stalker... they can track oh so much more of your life...

I even have bookmarked a few blogs I found and I find I periodically visit them. And I love it when people I know blog and keep a journal so I am always checking those when someone sends me links to let me know they have one. It is yet another element to a friendship.

People actually have always been, um, blog-crazed, if you will. ALL people to some level possess some blog-craze. See people are curious and nosy as all shit. Why are soap operas so popular? Serial shows and soap operas are nothing more than fictional blogs - people - hehe. They are diaries of people put up on the screen. Come on read some blogs that ramble on then watch soaps that ramble on - lmao

Soap operas and serials - the first electronic type of blogs.

And of course like I said diaries and accounts of historical events (called primary sources in History - hehe education puts a fancy title on BLOGS and DIARIES) have been published for centuries - people are inquisitive, a trait that is the best thing in the world and the worst (along with love - yeah both those the best thing and worst thing in the world and human makeup) - anyhoo

But finding mood very unmotivated so reading a lot and trying to do work and you know not motivated for a lot else.... which is spooky, a few times even music and writing and a couple of the other deep activities that pop me out... eh didn't wanna do them - ended up doing the channel flip and that's weird because it has been a long time since I did that a lot - but even movie watching - I am like blech

I walked into Blockbuster the other day and serious went around the whole store and walked out with nothing (well snagged the free popcorn - yes popcorn and braces bad - you know what? fuck it I don't care I want some popcorn so I sucked the damn kernels trying not to chew and get the hulls caught in my braces - oh well)

But yeah I am curious about the world of blogs - if I ever decide to go back to school for my PhD that would be a cool Doctorate topic - blogs - select some aspect of the world of blogs and research it in depth..... hmmm that could be interesting just to write and see if others have done studies... The other topic I love is searching the World Wide Web - always got into that a lot too - I really should have stuck with my first choice in college - I was in Media Sciences - I wanted to be a perpetual student or a librarian....

Well - off to finish a couple more projects and then do my walk on the boardwalk and who knows from there - I'll figure it out along the way, I always manage to :^)

Aurora - Dreaming
(Verse 1)

So you see right through me
am I really here
if I told You something
would you even care
would you even dare

So I expected this circumstance
I'm unconnected
I couldn't take A chance


On another day
would it be this way
I asked myself

if I was dreaming
you'd see me
I'd be understood
but I'm just drowning
going under
wishing you say we could

but if you just walk on by
I'm only dreaming
I'm only dreaming

(Verse 2)

when I just don't wanna
lose the moment
leave the conversation
hanging in the air
oh, tell me do you care
I can walk on water
I just don't look down
I've got no intention
of turning around

(Repeat Chorus)

(Verse 3)

And what keeps on pulling me
is something I did not see
I'm falling so suddenly
and I ask myself
and I ask myself

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Weekend is here and so am I what a Co-Winky Dink

Well managed to do my mega walk from one end of Atlantic city boardwalk to other today even in the sticky heat. It is fun watching all the different people as I walk. It is a true mix of all walks of life.

Gotta finish up a few things this weekend – got the Ghosts of Albion Timeline of events to put the finishing touches on. Have to try and finalize the Welding, Advanced mathematics and Career exploratory curriculum writ-ups if possible.

Plus got a couple of reports to write up. I also would like to work on some of my stories – starting to forget what they are about – lol

Had to sign up for this one site to make comments so I decided to use that for a concert track – I'll still write stuff here but the other site has a neat calendar I can play with and allows association of current music mood which is cool.

Speaking of that – made it to see Fuzzy Bunny slippers Thursday – that was fun. Got to watch the people, hear cool tunes, watch the rum ladies go around giving free trials and stuff and watch this 70+ year old man dancing and hitting on anything with boobs and low cut shirts, jeans, etc.

My mortgage company is cracked… they sent me back a refund check for my home owner's insurance. I am like oh nice money but then I am like okay why are they sending me money? No one sends you money… they want your money… lol - So now pain in butt gotta call and track that down and see.

Got my dermatology appointment later this week – a little nervous – do not like doctors, do not like checkups and always afraid of the C word cause so many people I know have died of it or had complications from it.

This actually starts the first of a series of checkups – I have been putting them all off and I really should get eyes thoroughly checked (Ophthalmologist even), should get complete general physical done and need the other kind done too, erm, a woman's physical– lol - yes I put off the doctors and then they all gang up on me – blech and blah

Been in a movie rewatching mood – rewatched stuff like Parenthood, Donnie Darko, Drop Dead gorgeous (one of my favorites), Charlies Angels two (ohhhh PWP fun), DEBs, Kill Bill one and two (go Uma, go Uma, kick his butt, kick all their butts, you go girl), Absolutely Fabulous eppys, a bunch of my spoof movies

I collect spoof movies and have this bad secret habit of watching them, yes they are stupid, totally wasteful, not very intellectual and I just end up watching them and laughing.

Well sometimes, I gotta admit Scary Movie 2 had a few jokes that just made me go FAST FORWARD NOW, ewwwwwwwww – but Mel Brooks to Zucker Brothers to others. I even go for classics – did you know Vincent Price was in a few spoof movies – yup such as Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini machine – ooohhh butt shaking 60s beach movie dancing – oohhh yeahhhh - so yes I like spoof movies (and ok maybes I like watching other things too – haha – alright where was I?) …

hmm I think that will be another entry - my review of spoof movies - also what constitutes a spoof vs. parody vs. just a funny movie that seems like a spoof…. that should turn everyone right off… LMAO :-D - a fun site - nice info site - yes even spoofs make a little money - whacked and wacky stuff enjoy or go WTF is this shit and go somewhere else – lol

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

These Are Just Funny

Thanks for the link molly

still laughing - the date one - I start by licking my eyebrows - sexual... hehe okay yes this should not be making me laugh but it is. And yes I liked the henti one too and bumeyes - ew - lmao - hmm maybe that acronym should be used for another one instead :P And thirty - love Kill Bill and spoofs of such

Piepod cartoon is good too (I dance about as good as that but I do like to dance) and hey bonus - they feature the music sometimes - I like anything that has a music angle... so whacked humor, music and funky subjects - my kinda fun time.

Just Taking It All In, Silly Dorky Stunts, Road Trip Horror Anticipation – That's me

I let my neighbor know what I suspected for a few days and kinda confirmed it. Since I've lived here (about a year and a month) my next door neighbor has not driven her car much, it stays parked in the driveway we share. And especially the last three months or so I do not think she's driven it all (not sure if she gets out much really, her daughter comes almost every day)

Well about a week or maybe two ago I really started noticing bees would be around the one door of her car. The driver's side back door. When you look at cars there is that little space between the door and the car – you can usually see and it kinda trace a long it and stuff.

Well bees have built a hive in her car. If you really look in that space you can see the white/gray and there are always bees going in and out there now. That sucks cause I do not like bees. My one sister is allergic, never really been stung so not sure if I am or if t would be and such… so I just hope when she sprays or whatever she lets me know – if I am going to be driving home and parking next to displaced bees...

Got some painting done but then got sick so that and a long walk along the Atlantic city boardwalk (spent two hours walking almost the entire length – means I got in a good five miles plus) but that was about what my weekend consisted of.

Although was flipping channels late one night and saw an eppy of Roseanne that was funny as shit. I love Absolutely Fabulous – in fact I plan on renting (I really should buy and will) some of the episodes because of the Roseanne.

Basically she did the episode in Ab Fab style and even had Patsy and Edina actresses guest appear as themselves and such in what was some weird dream or something (the underlying theme was Becky having a baby and Roseanne becoming a grandmother – which fits with the hernia that caused Ednia on Ab Fab when Saffy got pregnant)…. But shit I kept LMAO big time watching that (Roseanne tried for awhile to make an American version of Ab Fab and I think that went no where in the long run although I think she did help produce some Ab Fab stuff... hmm I am going to the web site now and seeing what is up with the show. Ab Fab a secret guilty pleasure…)

But after the weekend that was too fast moving and not too memorable, came back to work and well working on Monday– lol – and then tomorrow more of the same – well throw in an oil change and maybes go look at CD

Got coupons for free CDs which is a nice thing... too bad the free CD place is not near the car place, then I could do that at same time and like save time... but no, there is not much by the car place... well Home Depot is there – I can go be tool woman, or a little further is an arts and crafts store – I go Martha Stewart for a bit... lol

Trying to see if anyone wants to be crazy and go on Thursday to see a local cover band… I think I am the only crazy one who wants to do something like that, especially on a Thursday – but then hey I did a dorky thing today at work.

I made these signs – they said "Have an awesome day!!" and had this picture of multi-colored smiley faces – I then printed about 70 of them in color and taped them to the fronts of all of the chairs for when the students came walking in (this week we are in the conference center so the seats are like auditorium seats).

And there was no reason behind this, no game, no reference to one of the activities for the program... I just did it cause I am a dorkwad silly person who likes to do odd things like that. That's me for ya… now I must figure out my next silly, dorky act and unleash the corniness... hehe I made the students and the teachers wonder about me... Like most people don’t already – hehe – keep them on their toes, keep them guessing, doing something to get through the day….

Okay started making compilation CDs both for when I am walking and driving.

I like to put on a CD and go, makes it easier to ignore the wackos who say things or try to ask for change and is motivation to keep going or helps my mind roam to other thoughts as music is a great motivator and such for me.

But also making them up for upcoming road trip – of course I do not have a CD player in my car – LMAO – so I will either bring my headphone set and have to deal with that or maybes I can look into one of those converters

But getting music ready for road trip to Atlanta – not as fun driving alone.

Because there is no one to sing out of tune with you to the music (you are responsible for that horrible warbling, squawking nose all by yourself and no way you can blame it on an invisible parrot, I know I tried that story once and it just did not work...)

No one to tease or con into getting that Twinkie from Bubba the enforcer in the little glass cubicle that watches your every little move and says something through an intercom when you are not expecting it and then laughs watching you jump five feet and make a mess (both knocking stuff over and in your pants...) No one to trick into pumping gas (NJ has a law you can not pump gas, no self serve at all in the state, so I rarely pump gas and always afraid I will be awash in the stuff when I go outta state).

No one to compare bathroom horror stories. No one to spot you at the door in the bathroom that NEVER LOCKS and then the scariest people know it does not lock and right when you are in the middle of something they walk in and then just stand there in shock or something before going "Oh this was not locked – no shit Sherlock" you say trying to be cool with your pants down and then resisting urge to say, "So do you come here often?"

Yes no one to protect you and make sure Big Mamma stays in her own stall. No one to share that awesome, WTF moment as you are driving, eating in a high class diner (they import their cockroaches thank you) or such… You know what I mean... the... "Did you just see that? No we did not just see that… OMG what was that person thinking and how the hell did they manage to get in that position..." Hehe)

But at least Dragon Con will be awesome (watching people, more wondering how people got into that costume or position or such - lmao, listening to lots of live music and cool speakers/talks, teasing my track director mercilessly, walking around the Con just taking in the sights and sounds) and meeting a couple of friends there – so much fun to be had at month's end – YAY!

Friday, August 05, 2005

Salivating Over Nerd Tools and Taking small steps

Riding the waves of another week in the bag just about.

Well, this week closes to an end - very hectic as it was my first week back from all of the traveling - whew had a lot to catch up.

Plus the high school freshman Summer Bridging program started and I am the Director so I end up making sure things keep moving and students and staff are where they should be. Means a lot of running around and doing anything and everything to make sure everyone is happy.

You know that is my MO - trying to make everyone happy. Someone talked to me about that some. I just like making sure people are enjoying themselves and life, a selfish act that sounds selfless - see I really do feel good when others are happy and I am selfish knowing I helped make them feel happy.

Listening to Lisa Marie's first CD - I hope she comes back this way on the second part of her tour. I like Lights Out as well as a few others from the CD.

Trying to figure out what if anything I'll do for the weekend - ooh maybe sort my cds by date they were released (just teasing, even I am not that sort organize happy...) Although I frightened my co-workers today.

I got all giddy, gushy and doing the happy bunny dance over a new tool I saw in staples - it is a highlighter with a built in set of those post-it flags right in the barrel of the highlighter. More time for marking and nerding up my document and less time wasted on finding proper supplies!!!!

Multi-colored post-it notes, flags and sticker tags all creating a false sense of security by masking the truly chaotic nature that is me and making me think I have it together. The superglue for my ditzy, rambling, spastic approach to life - that approach being bubbly, forgetful, spacey and very hard for those around me to follow my thoughts and rambling speech when I really get going (crankswirl galore and from one thought to another in less than 60 milliseconds - wah hoo and ride em' cowgirl)

This neat gadget I found is a combo pen thing. I can highlight and flag tag all with one thing --- oooooohhhh nerd heaven - Homer Simpson drooling over note organizer things euphoria hits.... okay I think I am thoroughly embarrassed now. Fight it... Resist the urge to circle, annotate or color-code.... Fighting, fighting...

And regarding some of those points I was pondering and mentioned in an earlier blog - still feeling pensive, sad, melancholy and longing regarding some of those topics and thoughts, but at least I know a little better what I want and what I am looking for... so a small step towards something good....

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Things to Ponder

Made it through the bridging workshop. Some of the teachers were a little forward, but hey after getting over the initial hackle that raises when hearing criticism (and if people are honest no one takes criticism and such well but how they react, accept and move on is what is different) I managed to get over it and got through the politics as well as the training and I think when students come Wednesday we will be prepared.

Work is busy but at least I am falling back into a bit of a pattern so getting a groove back.

Need to figure out ways to make sure work gets done with out overwhelming myself too much.

I need more post it notes

Been pondering lots of things lately – damn brain going all deep and thinking on me here and there

Been pondering about my sisters (one having issues with family, another health issues, another in odd place with changes in life and other assorted family stuff, can I even begin to help them, what would help them, do they really need help, can they help me, why do things get swirly the more you try to calm things, what is a definition of family and what does that mean in what you owe and should expect from those identified as such)

Been pondering about the concept of friends and levels of relationships (family, friends, acquaintances, co workers, buddy, what do they mean, how do you define a level what if your level and view does not match the level and view of the other person, does that make you less or more friends, what kind of level can a friendship be taken to in certain people and not lose the friendship and if friendship is loss was it really friendship and was it worth it to be at the level you were at and not try the deeper level or now that you tried the level the friendship is loss so you are out totally, you know the I am a half step and semi happy but tormented do you try for full step and hope at least person if they do not want full step will still treasure the half step and stay there or is the friendship ruined because trying the full step meant no going back to half step so now you just step away)

Been pondering directions (where I am now, where I came from and what the hell am I going towards, am I going towards something, am I stuck, is it really stuck or should I see it as more content, am I whining for no reason and moping when I should be smacked and realize I got it good should I dare try for more or just accept where I am and that I have changed and those changes mean certain things just are not something I will have again or dare think about so maybe I should just stop thinking about those things altogether and not be disappointed when I make a choice and fuck up what I have now and then lament I had it good where I was why did I try to go somewhere else, well I tried because it is my nature to explore and be curious and to be searching and learning and that is just me…)

Now if I can find someone who either ponders the same things, can help me ponder the same things or is willing to listen to me ramble and explore this wacky concept called life - I will be set for life and can screw the other pondering points (and of course screw the co-ponderer – hehe) – well that sounds simple, right? So no more deep thinking needed :^P