Sunday, February 26, 2006


Ok finally got my copy (on sale even - bonus points all over) and I have only watched it twice so far - and I got my Seasons of Love (I love that song) medallion I picked up in NYC hanging right here to keep my spirits up when ever they start flagging (which is a bit lately but............

IT'S RENT - hehehehehehehe and yes Seasons of Love is fav song (I think light my candle is second - man what a pick up line/song - lol) and Angel Fav character

OK back to movie - anyone ever for viewing this with me just holler and bring the kleenex (yes ok I still cry... sighhhhhh)

Saturday, February 25, 2006

What I'd Like to Find - The Hopefull Romantic in me :)

I was reading this great Dana Scully/ Monica Reyes fanfic - and I found a section of it just to be so much what i know I'll find someday, just to feel at that level with someone again would be wonderful.

Actually I like the whole story and the progression of how the two feel and I know I am even more chicken than Scully in the story thus would never act on how I feel about certain people (dreams can be the best and most sad thing a person can possess) - but as I quoted before - I am a hopeful not a hopeless romantic

someday... someday maybe I could be writing something like this again in my journals about me and someone :)

from -
Title: " Amygdala "
by: A. K. Naten
Rated: R-ish
Summary: A short Scully/Reyes storyCross-Post: Okay, but my name stays intact and it’d be nice if you’d notify me first.

I’ve been back to visit Monica every day for the past week. We’ve progressed from visitations of awkwardly forced small-talk to more relaxed, quiet times where we just enjoy each other’s company. There are times when neither of us says a thing; we just sit quietly and watch TV, or we gaze out the window and watch it rain peacefully. It’s strange, but we seem to be completely at ease with each other’s presence, and neither of us feels the need to make conversation all the time. She seems to know that I am there because I want to be, and I am completely comfortable with that fact, because it’s true.

I’ve also gotten into the habit of bestowing her with a kiss to the forehead each and every time I leave. I can tell that she not only expects it now, but needs it somehow, as do I. Perhaps it’s just a matter of necessary ‘grounding’ and human contact... perhaps it’s just a way of physically demonstrating our obvious emotional connection... perhaps she just wants me to touch her... perhaps she knows that I *want* to touch her.

Friday, February 24, 2006

keeping about a hop or skip or such ahead - barely

Whew - work just keeps getting more and more fun... :-P

attended a union meeting - the first one after the main body voted down the contract offered - man people were getting very soapboxy and snippy and geez... ok no more talking about unions before I voice my real thoughts on things

Managed to get through my NAF meeting today - I really care about this program and such and just keep making more and more work for myself, but it is good - we managed to work up a few more events for the students including attending a chamber of commerce workshop about websites and businesses and a women in business conference...

so I continue to plug away at NAF and having to do director things which I do not like but I keep doing - hey found out I should get a passport because NAF's summer conference is in Detroit and I guess Canada is just right there - hehe - so that might be nice - if I am not doing what I usually do at these conferences which is sign up for the extra workshops and end up supera busy.

Gotta keep chipping away at this curriculum stuff and researching graduate school - I may need to go back and take classes... but... I may not be able to because of some catch-22 stuff... plus I may end up in a weird job at the school ... who knows, we will see - again so much is in flux at work... I wish I could find something stable for a bit... eh well, life as a static doldrums would be worse for me I think.... although easier on the stress, nerves and tummy - lol

got to get out to the Borgatta (Gypsy Bar) and saw Fuzzy Bunny Slippers tonight (and had a pomegranate margarita). I like this cover band and had a nice time.

Hawthorne heights at House of Blues tickets for next week - yessssss and not sure if going to sneak out tomorrow and catch something somewhere or be good and stay at home and write curriculum and grade tests and labs - I wanna rent a few movies like Saw II, DOmino, Girl Play (again - I liked it) - I also wanna buy Rent - will prolly stop to get that for sure tomorrow - there are a few other movies too - so will see about grabbing those.

And even though my boss at the one college is retiring - she is still doing the fall schedule and called me asking me to do Physical Geology for her as a hybrid again (lecture face to face - lab online) for fall - so hey that is awesome and gives me a chance to wow the incoming person so maybe he/she will keep hiring me (I love teaching geology...)

Alright off to read some (working through my Bird of Prey comics as well as a couple other comic series and also a book called Staying Dead by Laura Gilman and maybes I will reread Atlas Shrugged - yeah my tastes are all over in reading as well as everything else - I am too freaky I think - lol) and also will listen to Fall Out Boy, the Veronica's and Panic at the Disco - how's that for a CD rotation - hehe

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

man I am pissed off

I think I am really really f*ing angry

I mean I read this article and really got pissed off.

None of the other articles/issues that have come up with this lifestyle and my choices have ever gotten to me like this did for some reason. I just am like why, why focus on this when there is so much more in teh world that needs attention.... so much more....

I guess part of my pissoffedness is that some bleep, bleep person is going to tell me, tell ME what I can and can not do regarding my daughter (if I find someone some day who cares about me and my daughter enough to want to take a step to show that or if I found someone who wanted to share the enormous, enormous responsibility of raising a child together - and then someone I do not know is going to tell me I can not do that...)

I read all the time about the problems with foster places and adoption and parent shortages and then...... then they are going to seem justified when there are people who can love and care and deserve the same chance to be family and NOPE DENIED

OMG how many people today redefine family as it is? Blood and 2.5 americana dream family structure is not the definition any more

And here is the f*ing insanity and um people did you leave your senses and brain somewhere else? These same people are telling people NO ABORTION... ok so then what happens to those kids? They end up in a home or with some foster place that is overloaded and too crowded now because of lack of funds (because all the funds are being diverted to push through more legalese and shit)

So even though they have people who want these kids that they said people could not abort so the system is growing with this problem of finding someone to care and love and be a family - nope you can not be allowed to love or care - OMG when did people decide they have the right to tell me I can not be a caring family person who will watch out and protect and be loved as well as give love and share in the incredible gift that is family (again what ever that definition is)

Nope instead ship the kids off to some place that is oversaturated all ready

Crap people if it is that important to you regarding who is a family - spend the money and efforts on going out to talk to people if you must - but do not tell me I can not love someone or care or be a good parent - because that is really what this type of campaign is saying

plus holy poop they are not only telling the adults that they can not love - they are telling all these kids that they can not possible be cared for or loved in this situation.... it is not just about saying they have the best interest in mind for the kid - because they are stomping over the kid too - blech this put me in a bad mood

man I am soooo pissed right now

Saturday, February 18, 2006

A nice evening

Went to see Death Defying Acts - three edgy comedies by three edgy authors - a series of three one act plays put on by the Full moon theater co - a local community theater troupe.

The plays were The Interview by david mamet, Hotline by Elaine May and Central Park West by Woody Allen. The last one was my favorite in terms of the play, the actors and just the whole staging of the scene.

I really do like seeing plays, musicals and the like. I am going to try and get out tomorrow night - still not sure exactly where i will end up - thinking a couple of places like The Stone Pony or a place in Tom's River - but i really do want to pick up some live music tomorrow.

Also hoping to get caught up with work and errands this weekend - and just relax some.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Looking for something(one?)

A fitting song I put up on myspace profile - eh - life is driven by fears more than anyone ever admits... some just are better at hiding, or overcoming than others - wish I was the overcomer of fears type - someday I will be, maybe, I just keep knowing I'll wind through life no matter what (and stumble along someone or even better they'll stumble over me - lol) :-D

Fears - Natalia

I am so afraid,I am so afraid of falling
Why do my fears got to be controlling
Over my soul ,over my plans
Why am I so scared to miss this chance

[CHORUS]All my life I was escaping from my dreams
Never really tried to turn my head and set my feet
On this ground
Where I belong where I should be
Do you believe in Destiny?

How do I find,how do I find direction?
that gives me all that gives me all the protection
That I need,that I am searching for
How do I become stronger then before ?



My fears are taking over me
All I can hear all I can see
Is my misery


I’ve lost my sense
I’ve lost my sense of believing
That all I give away
I’ll be receiving
From head to toes
I am locked into my fears
Open the doors
I need fresh air to breath



Sunday, February 12, 2006


Please forgive typos - one too many grapefruit juice, citus vodka and seltzer water over ice is making it a little hardto type. Add in I am on the laptop as cable modem is out because of the snow storm - evil storm that also cancelled my concert plans - second time I have missed Acceptance damn it.

Friday was one of those days that kept getting worse - well it was bad until the very end when I got to post and write with one person (who really does not know but really her and my sister were the only things making the day and even week worth anything to me besides my little one too bad I am not a little more lubricated and could talk about how I really feel and what I wish about her and such - um anyhoos) but it started with trying to recou[p from the thursday luncheon which everyone said went well - as long as it helped the students - that is what matters

but I kept getting caught by people and told things or asked - The county chamber of commerace has an education committee - the rep called me and asked me to come monday - she was sorry for the short notice but asked me to come speak about mentoring and students - now if it were not for the fact these businesses want to work with our students - I would shrink into a hole - but I will prepare this weekend materials and talk on Monday because it will help the studnts - OMG I have to speak in front of these business people.

I got offical word my boss is leaving in JUne - man the school will change and what will happen to my job and me.... ok gotta calm down....

then I found out two more teachers are spliting and the 11th 12th grade guidance counselor is gone march 3 - man and fuck what are those poor students who are getting ready for college and all that going to do - leaving right when it is going to get busy - he has barely been there 6 months - i feel bad for the students

then got more bad news

my two nieces are notgreat - one went to pulminologist and her lungs are bad and she needs x rays and we will see from there - other niece needs colonoscopy - her intenstines and bowels are messed up -and of course my daughter has spina bifida - so shit why do all our girls have health problems

then i am rushing into grocery store and forget parking brake- yes major blonde moment one that may cost me as my car rolled into a nice new SUV my car all scratched up hers a little on teh bumper but she might report it and asked the cop to file report so she can claim if she needs - Kathy of course kept me from sinking into major despair and kept teasing me and asking if I set my brake and that I am the ultimate blonde - dumb ass - but it did keep me from beng totally depressed and I am luaghing about the whole thing - imagining my car creeping forward and finally into the bumper of this SUV

working on classes, coloring this poster (cause i am wierd and alone so have nothing else todo - lol) - snow will keep me in today - damn that may mean I will have to work - lol - got a few movies to watch and maybes exercise some - such is Sunday - wheeeee

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I Have to Pencil in actually taking a breath Next Thursday, i get to pee the following Friday

Working on trying to do way too much. Coordinating this advisory board luncheon for NAF for tomorrow - I am the Director. Well I have a million things to do to coordinate that (printing name tags, seating charts, writing up a director's letter, cutting apart brochures, you name it I am doing it - lol) Plus, the worse, I gotta get up in front of over 40 students, teachers, administrators and important business people and at least talk a little - my stomach is hurting sooo bad and I am so scared - yeah I am a grown woman who is scared to death - yes I teach and get up in front of people - but I actually get badly nervous even then - but then as I teach it gets better and is fun eventually - lol - but speaking in front of groups of people especially business and administrators and such

I am dying really really badly - a lot of work and focus on deadlines and having another project always around the corner and nothing or anyone to really balance craziness save my little one, my one sister (who will prolly kill me at any moment - lol - thanks kathy) and one other person who probably has no idea just how much what she does and just being around so I can chat/write/and such saves my sanity and really helps me make it through the day

And then there is all the other work (my college classes - which are fun to teach but lots of work), curriculum, coordination, staff development workshops and......- and oh man - a lot of politics bad politics at the school - the contract was voted down by the staff - so now it goes back to negotiations - very bad

More teachers are leaving - we lose another dynamic teacher next week as they move over to an administration job - it is crazy and lots of gossip and movement in the school and of course my boss is leaving by summer (which has me badly depressed and scared - yeah again with the scared shit - I know I gotta knock that off...

Well I will exhale a large breath so my lips make a raspberry sound and head off to work on the next thing - what else is there to do?

Just heard this song on my Internet Radio stations - it fits my mood somewhat (as does the song by Queen I'm Going slightly Mad - man I love all the madness sayings in that song - :-D I think I add that song here to :-P

Bad Day- Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day

Queen - I'm Going Slightly Mad

When the outside temperature rises
And the meaning is oh so clear
One thousand and one yellow daffodils
Begin to dance in front of you - oh dear
Are they trying to tell you something ?
You're missing that one final screw
You're simply not in the pink my dear
To be honest you haven't got a clue
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - ooh woh
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad - oh dear !
Ha ha ha ha ha

I'm one card short of a full deck
I'm not quite the shilling
One wave short of a shipwreck
I'm not my usual top billing
I'm coming down with a fever
I'm really out to sea
This kettle is boiling over
I think I'm a banana tree
Oh dear
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad (I'm going slightly mad)
It finally happened - happened
It finally happened - uh huh
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad - oh dear !

Uh uh ah ah
Uh uh ah ah

I'm knitting with only one needle
Unravelling fast it's true
I'm driving only three wheels these days
But my dear, how about you ?
I'm going slightly mad
I'm going slightly mad
It finally happened
It finally happened - oh yes
It finally happened - I'm slightly mad !
Just very slightly mad !
And there you have it !

Friday, February 03, 2006

Opossums, music and other assorted stuff

Whew Life is up and down and all around lately. Work atmosphere is weird, big changes coming maybes in my life depending on what happens at the school as it is fairly definite by July my boss will be leaving (which is why things are getting very busy now as she is the thing that keeps this school together and she is trying to get a number of projects in motion and done).

Yesterday had busy day at work trying to coordinate a couple of events for the students in the National Academy Foundation academies (I am the Director of the three programs for our school). So lots of details there - I am multitasking queen.

Then trying to do curriculum, teaching and all sorts of other things. School has so much going on in terms of what I do.

Last night went back to Trump Marina and the Wave - this time the band was Usual Suspects - a nice cover band that did mainly 60s and 70s with a little bit of other stuff. There were the usually handful of people and some stories to watch (like in a small group - one person getting drunk and getting more and more outrageous on the dance floor and watching other people around trying to keep her from getting tooo wild)

I had an interesting experience driving to the club - and it was weirdly fitting given yesterday was groundhog day (my life is so freaky F*ed up sometimes that it just really fit). But I am driving out of my development and on my street I see a grey furry thing lumbering across the road - so I have seen cats and rabbits - we are surrounded semi by woods and fields. But here it was a flipping Opossum - no shit - there was an opossum kinda crossing the road in front of me - it looked at me as I stopped and then headed out and across yards into the dark...

So on Groundhog day what does it mean if the Opossum sees its shadow in your headlights? LMFAO

Today is crazy - I barely am able to sit down - I am just sitting here now listening to my Internet radio and typing this as my lunch. But I plan on going to this new venue tonight - Appel Farms - I have wanted to go for awhile - it is about an hour and a half drive from house but it is local arts, music and theater and I really need to get out tonight. Of course as usual it is just me heading there - but I will have fun regardless. The key is to explore new things and life and enjoy what I do.

Also wanna see Brokeback mountain so will try that to fit that in somewhere to. At least I finished Lois and Clark season 1 - man the last scene in the second to last eppy was really good - seeing Superman standing in the desolate arctic screaming out his loss and then bowing his head in his hands and maybe crying - ok I have felt like that with relationships so I can relate - I was screaming right along with him... well my screaming did not cause glaciers to crack - but still.... :-D