Nerves – turning you inside - out and I'm secretly loving it

Nerves – turning you inside - out and loving it


Yes I am an oxymoron on occasion ... a walking juxtaposition of characteristics.

See I am in many ways an introvert, somewhat shy and not to keen on public speaking and being up in front of people, not too lusting after the limelight you could say. Even speaking to someone on the phone about something gives me pause and makes me go can I do this someway else...

One reason why prefer the online world - low self esteem of my thoughts and contributions makes for not thinking I am the greatest person and so let me slink to back of room and a corner and just people watch - see there's where the counter feelings start creeping in - I am not anti-people, in fact love watching and being around people. Like going out, hanging out, listening and being in crowds - I do not need to be a hermit, or isolated, I just DO NOT LIKE TO SPEAK AND SHARE MY IDEAS.

I get very scared and nervous is too tame a word (terrified, anxious, afraid, agitated, annoyed, apprehensive, basket case, bothered, concerned, distressed, disturbed, edgy, excitable, fearful, fidgety, fitful, flustered, fussy, hesitant, high-strung, hysterical, irritable, jittery, jumpy, nervy, neurotic, on edge, overwrought, querulous, restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky, shrinking, shy, skittish, snappish, solicitous, spooked, taut, tense, timid, timorous, troubled, twitchy, uneasy, unrestful, unstrung, upset, uptight, volatile, waspish, weak, wired, worried) much more descriptive there... :-D

And yet I am in the teaching profession and in a job that requires me to interact with people in social and professional ways on a daily basis. Sometimes one-on-one and more often in small to medium and even large groups (this summer had workshops presenting to over 150 people).

When I have to give a talk, present a lesson, hold a staff meeting, my nerves get so worked up it hurts physically. Right now my stomach is doing the squeeze play (well another reason why that area and lower hurts right now too and that is not helping my mood for upcoming presentation either).

I tend to get very, very nervous before a meeting/presentation/etc. I get to where my throat closes, I can focus on not much else, sweaty palms, and all sorts of other nice little things (nightmares often thrown in for good measure).

Tomorrow is the staff meeting for the Bridging program I direct and have all of the staff coming in for all day training to prepare for the start of the program on Wednesday. Now see I get whacked and weirded thinking about what I have to do for that staff training and meeting and OMG, hyperventilating cramping up and not able to think about anything else damn it or enjoy myself as focus is on that point at 9 am where I have to do this... but after the initial five minutes into the talking thing, I often find myself shifting.

Shifting means my body goes from (and this is serious, I am like this) a state where I really have a hard time talking, I can hear myself barely over the nervousness and it is all I can do to make myself go on and not rush out puking. I almost forget what I am doing, saying and making eye contact ... it is as if I will be burned if my orbs fall on any of theirs.

Well I suddenly get into what I am saying, I slowly calm down and adjust to the room and crowd and start feeling comfortable. My body language shifts from the mouse keeping to one spot, not moving, barely speaking up, to the Speedy Gonzales where I move around, wave my arms, my voice rises and falls as I am excited or passionate about something and so on.

This happens whether I am giving a presentation, sitting at a table with a group of people just talking and interacting, whenever I have to open my mouth.

That is a good way to tell how comfortable I am. If I am okay speaking, into a topic or crowd or session, I move around. I speak loudly and quickly and I am very animated, probably too much so.

If I am uncomfortable, not sure about a topic, feel intimidated or not prepared, I stay riveted, my voice gets lower and I slow down a lot or speed up very, very fast.

So now you know when watching me give a lecture or speaking in a group how to tell my mood and level of interest in a subject ... am I Ben Stein from Ferris Bueller (lol) or Emil from the Food Network ... hehe

Whew well still nervous about tomorrow but after the first five minutes it should work okay ... oh wait I forgot something ... crappola - now I gotta go find colored dots and four questions to ask people tomorrow ... oopsie - lol