ups downs smiles frowns

Well coloring can be a very chimerical as well as soothing and tranquil activity. Of course putting together the spongebob color it yourself pineapple house which tells you to insert tab a into tab b and you spend 2 hours trying that only to finally figure out it should be tab c into tab 5 undoes the calm you had collected - but hey I like coloring ;-D

Well did my long walk yesterday albeit in a different place (walking around the neighborhoods adjacent to my car place as I waited for an oil change and for them to check it as I had run something over - luckily it only needed an alignment - I managed to get out of there with a few bucks still in my pocket).

But as I was walking I was listening to Madonna's new CD and thinking - the song (lyrics below) really swirled my mind. Couple that with my journals I have been rereading, the thoughts I have been thinking and then smother it all with the nightmares and dreams I seem to be experiencing here lately and well….

Dreams I should add that I have been remembering when I wake up, which is freaking the hell out of me as they are not good dreams - not nightmares totally just really depressing topics and things I do not want to think about asleep or awake... Many are memories of growing up or things I am afraid will happen or that are not happening to me…

But the lyrics and the song along with everything else seems to be kicking me into places I am not sure is really good to go but it is happening anyway....

I realized, among other things, while I am not a social butterfly. (I tend not to jump right into conversations or groups, fade to the back, I'm very content to listen, I'll skip social events, parties and such often because I am nervous or scared about interacting) well I also realized I like being around people – I am an introvert who likes extrovert environments - If that makes sense – which it does not but best way I can explain me….

And I think that is where some of my unrest and unhappiness, depression and feeling like I am missing something and wanting to find someone and all of that comes from, well a chunk of it anyways

I have been kinda alone in terms of having someone(s) to hang around with, share stuff with, explore with and all that for the last almost two years (save for that that pesky, wonderful little kid of mine, a sister that refuses to stop being my best friend although she is across the continent and a small handful of friends, 90% who are online meaning I have like two people actually here that I do anything with and one of those is my ex and I do not hang around too much any more as his girlfriend is around more and the other is a 5 year old…. I don’t make friends easily and even at work they are people I see during the work day and that is it…..)

well I need someone – There it is I admit it….

ok some people do the hermit thing very well. Some are individuals and would be peachy 100% of the time with the routine I have - and do not get me wrong – I am not bad off overall.

Also, I am not a needy, needy, clingy person... trust me my ex taught me how to be alone (that sounds nasty but not really meant to be - more bitter I suppose - but I worked days, ex worked nights and well in any given year we were together I could count on two hands with fingers left over the times we came together in any sort of really physical interaction (and that includes cuddling and physical companionship not just the wonderful world of sex).

So really I learned to be independent and can do that - but I just want to have someone to share things with and do things with and my brain is soo damn multitasking all the time I am well, I guess I need someone - not to keep me entertained per se, just someone to share entertainment with to come up with ideas for doing something... shit someone just to sit in a room with and know they are sitting there because you are sitting there and they want to be around you...

Someone to talk to with out being in a crowd or worried about what you are saying or go out to a movie or figure out what the heck to do on a Thursday night or to explore – oh man to explore… cause in this world it is not safe to explore too much alone any more….. So friends, lovers, something in-between I guess my mind/self would like to find someone and the longing and bitching I do stems from that –

Yes I do tend to go on and moan and groan and well crap off and stop reading if it bugs you cause well, cause well eh it is a way to release the feelings and get them out and somehow I think in this big world I am not the only one to feel that way – which for all of you out there HUGS and SORRIES IT IS A BITCH but there are the ups and smiles in with the downs and frowns so hang in there…:^D

But eh, there is someone (so my sister says) who will find me or I will find... However, friends and such are very hard for me to find/make/etc. so we shall see. But here's to hoping and trying to find friends as I know, you gotta be a friend to find a friend – sigh – blech and phooey – ok I'll try to remember I'll be ok no matter what and there are lots of ways to have a nice day so going to look for that friend I know has to be out there – she's out there somewhere…

I will keep a measure of patience and fantasies (Wah-hoo for fantasies of all kinds ;-) lol) to temper my sadness and longing, until then - I'll keep thinking...

Madonna from confessions - a song that is making me think - too much making me think (actually Get Together from same album fits too but will save you from any more lyrics for now)

"Jump"

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I havn't got much time to waste
It's time to make my way
I'm not afraid of what I'll face
But I'm afraid to stay
I'm going down my road and I can make it alone
All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

[Chorus]
Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand
get ready to jump

We learned our lesson from the start
My sisters and me
The only thing you can depend on
Is your family
Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

[Chorus]

Are you ready?

There's only so much you can learn in one place
The more that you wait
The more time that you waste

All work and no fighting
I'll find a place on my own

It sways and it swings and it bends until you make it your own

I can make it alone [repeat]
(my sisters and me)

[Chorus X2]