Is it worth it

Today ended up getting shittier and shittier as the day wore on and in true Julie fashion I have taken one bad thing and managed to somehow use it to pull up a myriad of bad and depressing thoughts about many topics and thus the day is firmly buried now under stinky, depressing things and the forecast for tomorrow predicts much the same.

And the initial spark and reason for the downward spiral leaving me with a pounding headache and a pounding heart, said emotional heart that feels like it will explode and at least for tonight I almost wish it would because then I would not be so emotional and could be noncaring and not let things get to me so bad I have to pull over on the way home until I can stop crying like a fool and stop thinking the really bad, how worthless things are and all those emotionally charged thoughts.

But ah yes the spark

Have you ever cheated on a test, or paper or assignment or even on something outside of the school setting?
If so, or next time you stand at the ready – ask your self something, Is it Worth it?

Is it worth the fact the lie you are turning in (or creating through a cheat) is breaking a trust given to you by the teacher?

Is it worth the fact you are telling the teacher you do not care if he/she believes in you as you do not believe in them.

Is it worth the fact you might as well be tossing insults or punches (those hurt a lot shorter time then this) because you are showing you do not respect the teacher?

That you think in some form the teacher is an idiot or a joke or not serious or insert other term that means your value/respect for said person is nonexistent.

When a student walks into a classroom they are given three things (well by most of the profession – sure there are those who slack, every profession is like that) but I trust the student, I believe in the student and I respect the student as both an individual and as wearing the mantle of student.

And I had that trust, belief and especially respect trashed by a set of tests. Some of the students did not even both to do the 15% rearrange thing and try to use slightly different verbs or… or I guess I am that big of a fucking joke and idiot that they don’t even care to do that. Again just slap away and shred the mantle of seriousness I believe in.

And don't, don't try to justify the worth of this action with things like
"Well it is just one assignment."

One assignment that I was serious enough to think about and prepare and still shreds that respect as easily as if it were 100 assignments

"This assignment really does not mean much or impact things in the grand scheme of things."

Yes what is my job and what I see as important is nothing but a big fat joke and means nothing. Content aside it also means I am wasting my time and should not even care as well and not just about content but about the student's success. That what I do as a teacher does not matter

"I really do not want to be here and I had to take this. And I had to get this done."

The importance of what I believe in is nothing and this is useless. What I am trying to do as a teacher is a waste. There is nothing in this class content or otherwise that means anything so it does not matter if I care about this

"Everyone does it."

Okay everyone thinks I am a joke and that my job and what I believe in is something that matters so little it, and I, do not need to be believed in or respected.

(Am I really that blind of an idiot that they would not even attempt to try and understand the material or why I asked them to prepare the test instead they thought nothing of cheating and blatantly disregarded what I think the assignment was worth. Oh f*ing geezus they just handed duplicate shit in...)

and it was more than a couple of students it was a few groups... I am such a failure no wonder I am where I am and not finding anyone – I am such a joke/pushover whatever that I am always cheated on – again the exploding heart would do wonders here so then I could be cavalier and blasé about the whole thing and not care - I do care though I respect and believe even if they don't

So next time ask yourself... Is it worth it?

And then when you answer take the next, honest step… is the type of person who would answer that way really the kind of person I want to be….