Well getting back into swing of things – mostly.
School was fun last couple of days (NOT – well sorta, maybe, a little). Deer season opened Monday here in NJ and in the weirdest of cosmic convergences we had a deer running through our hallways – no shit.
Apparently it had made it's way from the woods nearby to the school grounds and a parent dropping a child off spooked it and it went right through a window and was running through the halls before finally getting back outside. Quite a way to start the week…
Then been immersed in finishing up projects such as writing curriculum and putting the final touches on this course I was taking (our high school is going to become part of the Virtual high school system so our students can take courses online. I agreed to be a teacher – I teach a class of 15 students from all over and then in trade 15 of our students can take a course).
So for the last 10 weeks I was taking the VHS required course to go through how to setup the course I will be teaching and teaching online and such. I will be teaching wither in January or next September Web Design and Internet Research – two topics I love but it has been a pain taking a class and redoing this course. But I am almost finished with that – hope to complete stuff by weekend.
But in addition had a lot of training as the teachers are required to schedule a 40 minute block of training with myself or my co-worker to work on a project using either PowerPoint, Excel or Web design. Of course every teacher is different and their level of knowledge is different so it is like teaching 9 different classes (nine periods per day). So I am getting a bit tired because of that.
Rented the first two disks of L Word (FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY – YAYAYAYAY) and man I just wanna smack some of the characters and yes I am getting all into a silly TV show, so what :-P
Also saw You've Got Mail for the first time the other night... I like Meg and Tom yes I am one of the 12 people who liked Joe vs. the Volcano (yes I quote lines from the movie, mainly just to my sister because she is the only one who would not think I am a total dweeb and crazy ass dork for liking that movie) - I love the line "I have no response to that." yes makes no sense why i do, I just do – lol
Of course I also liked Hudson Hawk - again a movie I quote and is a bad movie but so what I like it so there ;-P
But the movie (Got Mail) made me think – can someone really fall for someone through that line of communication? You hear about it all the time – people meeting on the Internet, having long distance relationships and growing to care for someone – but does that really work? I liked the movie – plus they were book people and I am a book person so any movie spotlighting books already has a leg up in the I like column ;-D
But yeah the movie and some comments by someone this weekend really got me thinking about things and my life and where I am… problem is a lot of thinking and such happening but not much else… ah well – I'll wait for the next deer or episode of L word or curriculum to rewrite or concert to go to or trip to take... always something to keep me thinking and moving forward… crappy rambling, ditzy, spacey multi-tasking brain anyway that goes places it shouldn’t
ah well – another day another adventure to encounter good or bad – always an adventure and I am an explorer – so onward ho… (um not that I am a ho like the slang sense but in the Westward Ho sense like the saying and the Western Expansion, which has nothing to do with ho slutty ho's just with going on you know Ho and hmm wonder what the ho in Westward Ho really means and why does Santa say ho-ho-ho? I mean Mrs. Claus I am sure is a hotty but how the hell did a mythical figure such as Santa come to be associated with the ritual calling of a certain type of woman? I mean hmm... he is always wearing red and there is the saying red light district… another odd connection there and so I ponder what does Westward expansion and covered wagons have to do with a guy in a read suit and women who have a certain predilection for a lifestyle that does not as I mentioned before match mine in fact I am almost an anti-ho as I lack any connecting in the ho sense of connecting right now, although some connecting would be nice, but not in the overboard ho sense and alright I have no fucking idea what I was typing but here I am
But anyhoo – onward I move and not as a ho... :-P ahhhh my crankswirling brain – always thinking – thinking about shit weird stuff but always thinking - perhaps that is why I do not really talk about stuff to people – I think they would lock me away or go WTF is she talking about ;-)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
525,600 – how do you measure your self?
Getting through – kinda, sorta, hey look another day gone – um yay or maybe boo and drat perhaps it will be I don’t know or perhaps some of the I don’t care….. what response will I find coming from my lips today????
Mom – Bobbie Jo's playing in the turkey… gawd I miss you so much mom – funny how this holiday that is about family and thanks and being together is when you decided to check out – I keep telling myself and listening to others that say it'll get better and in a way yeah, it does and in another way – still feels as raw today as it did those years ago when you left
I saw Rent on Thanksgiving (combined with my 4 mile walk along the Atlantic city boardwalk that was my holiday… decided even to pas really on the eating bit – just had some simple crackers and cheese and such – simple but worked… a mantra that gets a lot of people through the day). But back to the movie - luckily there were only a handful of people in the theater and everyone in front. I think I cried every other scene and song –
yes fine – I am an emotion feeling person and I get emotional over a lot of stuff (if you ever go with me to plays, movies, etc… be prepared I do sometimes get into the "scene/situation" :-P I think that is why sometimes things are "hard" for me (yes I put it in quotes cause when I read things like Stone Butch Blues or listen to the news or such I realize my definition of hard is not really the same as others…. Which then I feel guilty for feeling bad which leads to feeling bad and okay fine I am just going to laugh at myself now as I get the image of a dog chasing her own tail in an endless loop :-D
But I think that's why I wish I had some people around (friends, relationships, whatever)… and mope about that as much as I do I just like to feel and listen to others and have someone to bounce ideas off and share experiences and drag along on adventures as I can only dare to do so many things alone and all that…
Shit – the song Seasons of Love from Rent always gets me – especially since so many of those minutes this last year have been so hard to get through – and so many have found me laughing my way through them – ah the ups and downs of life.
I want to go see the movie again.
525,600 – that's a lot of……. Sighing (is that an okay compromise – not too down but not lying about being too cheery – my cup is at the half mark – alright – not half full or empty just half…. That allowed?)
(BTW see the lyrics for the Seasons of Love song at the bottom of this entry if you do not know what that number refers to)
Ventured out early this morning (Black Friday) – didn’t pick up too much but enjoyed watching others shop and go crazy -I did not witness too many fights – but heard on radio that at least four different fights broke out at the local shopping Mecca's during the Black Friday madness.
I found the line elf at Old Navy to be mildly entertaining (as we waited forever in line – but hey got my cool zipper pullovers) as he would say whoever holds up such and such gets a goodie. So people were searching through their pockets and purses for things like movie stubs and student IDs and assorted wacky crap.
I also found as I shopped and moved around people kept talking to me – dunno why although I do enjoy hearing people's stories and listening to people talk – but I got a lot of stories and people passing the time – from in-line stories, to which object should they buy, to being dragged out, to a running commentary on the other shoppers (oh shit that was funny, this woman behind me in the arts and crafts story was critiquing what other people were buying and then started guessing what they were planning on making – when she got to deciding one person was making a wreath toilet seat and wouldn’t that itch a lot and maybe cause problems and……. I suddenly remembered I needed more, um, foam, yes foam and have a great day bye-bye now - lmao
Well, I leave you with the song from Rent I mentioned earlier as I try to figure out how to get through another one of those 525,600
Seasons Of Love Lyrics
Company:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear
FIve hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure-- measure a year?
In daylights-- in sunsets
In midnights-- in cups of coffee
In inches-- in miles
In laughter-- in strife
In-- five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Soloist #1:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
Soloist #2:
In truths that she learned
Or times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died
All:
It's time now-- to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Soloist #1:
Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
In diapers--reportcards
In spoke wheels--in speeding tickets
In contracts--dollars
In funerals--in births
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you figure our last year on earth
Mom – Bobbie Jo's playing in the turkey… gawd I miss you so much mom – funny how this holiday that is about family and thanks and being together is when you decided to check out – I keep telling myself and listening to others that say it'll get better and in a way yeah, it does and in another way – still feels as raw today as it did those years ago when you left
I saw Rent on Thanksgiving (combined with my 4 mile walk along the Atlantic city boardwalk that was my holiday… decided even to pas really on the eating bit – just had some simple crackers and cheese and such – simple but worked… a mantra that gets a lot of people through the day). But back to the movie - luckily there were only a handful of people in the theater and everyone in front. I think I cried every other scene and song –
yes fine – I am an emotion feeling person and I get emotional over a lot of stuff (if you ever go with me to plays, movies, etc… be prepared I do sometimes get into the "scene/situation" :-P I think that is why sometimes things are "hard" for me (yes I put it in quotes cause when I read things like Stone Butch Blues or listen to the news or such I realize my definition of hard is not really the same as others…. Which then I feel guilty for feeling bad which leads to feeling bad and okay fine I am just going to laugh at myself now as I get the image of a dog chasing her own tail in an endless loop :-D
But I think that's why I wish I had some people around (friends, relationships, whatever)… and mope about that as much as I do I just like to feel and listen to others and have someone to bounce ideas off and share experiences and drag along on adventures as I can only dare to do so many things alone and all that…
Shit – the song Seasons of Love from Rent always gets me – especially since so many of those minutes this last year have been so hard to get through – and so many have found me laughing my way through them – ah the ups and downs of life.
I want to go see the movie again.
525,600 – that's a lot of……. Sighing (is that an okay compromise – not too down but not lying about being too cheery – my cup is at the half mark – alright – not half full or empty just half…. That allowed?)
(BTW see the lyrics for the Seasons of Love song at the bottom of this entry if you do not know what that number refers to)
Ventured out early this morning (Black Friday) – didn’t pick up too much but enjoyed watching others shop and go crazy -I did not witness too many fights – but heard on radio that at least four different fights broke out at the local shopping Mecca's during the Black Friday madness.
I found the line elf at Old Navy to be mildly entertaining (as we waited forever in line – but hey got my cool zipper pullovers) as he would say whoever holds up such and such gets a goodie. So people were searching through their pockets and purses for things like movie stubs and student IDs and assorted wacky crap.
I also found as I shopped and moved around people kept talking to me – dunno why although I do enjoy hearing people's stories and listening to people talk – but I got a lot of stories and people passing the time – from in-line stories, to which object should they buy, to being dragged out, to a running commentary on the other shoppers (oh shit that was funny, this woman behind me in the arts and crafts story was critiquing what other people were buying and then started guessing what they were planning on making – when she got to deciding one person was making a wreath toilet seat and wouldn’t that itch a lot and maybe cause problems and……. I suddenly remembered I needed more, um, foam, yes foam and have a great day bye-bye now - lmao
Well, I leave you with the song from Rent I mentioned earlier as I try to figure out how to get through another one of those 525,600
Seasons Of Love Lyrics
Company:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Moments so dear
FIve hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure-- measure a year?
In daylights-- in sunsets
In midnights-- in cups of coffee
In inches-- in miles
In laughter-- in strife
In-- five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Soloist #1:
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?
Soloist #2:
In truths that she learned
Or times that he cried
In bridges he burned
Or the way that she died
All:
It's time now-- to sing out
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Soloist #1:
Measure, measure your life in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love
In diapers--reportcards
In spoke wheels--in speeding tickets
In contracts--dollars
In funerals--in births
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you figure our last year on earth
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Life is not like a box of chocolates - It is like a leaky roof
Looked up this morning and discovered bubbles across the ceiling of my bedroom about 2 inches wide and about so far two - 4our feet total length. So at 6:30am in the morning (yes it has been raining the last few days) I am crawling around in my unfinished attic (it is mainly the pink insulation furry crap laid down and a few boards in a few spots so I can store some crap up there.
I find water is dripping down a metal exhaust pipe and then when the pipe bends the water drips onto the board, pink insulation and thus collects under the insulation bubbling the paint in my ceiling below (I have not pulled up the insulation or boards yet to look at the damage but I know the water is collecting because I see the bubble in my bedroom ceiling.) Plus my one bin was wet and the one area in the board and the insulation. So a bucket is now sitting up there and I will explore further later today when I think I can approach things with out losing it. It has been a bad few weeks and this is just more gray.
See life right now seems like a leak in the roof. Stuff goes on little by little, drip by drip and most of the world does not see it, see the building water bubble, the board becomes soaked, then the insulation then the water collects and bubbles the paint and then runs along the paint and creates a bigger and bigger mess. Little drop by little drop. And in between the rainy days there is sun, but then the drip starts up again....
Finally a person looks up and notices and hopefully exposes the bigger problem hidden, going on day by day while people pass by, never knowing how the boards are being soaked, damaged, ready to burst. And you can not trace the exact drop that defines the problem or even the starting place at this point, just it is all soaked and rotting and now you must fix the problem.
Maybe the water and area will dry up and go away during a sunny day and hey things are looking great on the surface - but the problem is there and mold may start to grow to compound the issue but hey what you can't see can't hurt you right...
Sure maybe even putting a bucket stops the drip but you have to monitor the bucket and empty it and the mold may still grow and well... you sometimes gotta take the plunge and fix the leak and hope all is well.
The cool thing in life is if you can find someone to help you fix the roof maybes even sit around after drinking tea or beer or whatever laughing about the problem and other things and then in the rare cases they might even be just the one who sticks around to help you paint and help you keep an eye on other possible leaks.
But not everyone knows someone like that. Yet the drip is still there... so then you must decide, bucket your drip, don't look up until the bubble bursts and falls on you drowning you or find a way to fix it yourself... Some argue, and rightly so, sometimes you can fix it yourself and sometimes you do need to go to others... but the thing is most times you can find a way to deal with the leaky roof.... to take care of the drip and thus be able to move on to the next mess...
another day another drip ;-)
I find water is dripping down a metal exhaust pipe and then when the pipe bends the water drips onto the board, pink insulation and thus collects under the insulation bubbling the paint in my ceiling below (I have not pulled up the insulation or boards yet to look at the damage but I know the water is collecting because I see the bubble in my bedroom ceiling.) Plus my one bin was wet and the one area in the board and the insulation. So a bucket is now sitting up there and I will explore further later today when I think I can approach things with out losing it. It has been a bad few weeks and this is just more gray.
See life right now seems like a leak in the roof. Stuff goes on little by little, drip by drip and most of the world does not see it, see the building water bubble, the board becomes soaked, then the insulation then the water collects and bubbles the paint and then runs along the paint and creates a bigger and bigger mess. Little drop by little drop. And in between the rainy days there is sun, but then the drip starts up again....
Finally a person looks up and notices and hopefully exposes the bigger problem hidden, going on day by day while people pass by, never knowing how the boards are being soaked, damaged, ready to burst. And you can not trace the exact drop that defines the problem or even the starting place at this point, just it is all soaked and rotting and now you must fix the problem.
Maybe the water and area will dry up and go away during a sunny day and hey things are looking great on the surface - but the problem is there and mold may start to grow to compound the issue but hey what you can't see can't hurt you right...
Sure maybe even putting a bucket stops the drip but you have to monitor the bucket and empty it and the mold may still grow and well... you sometimes gotta take the plunge and fix the leak and hope all is well.
The cool thing in life is if you can find someone to help you fix the roof maybes even sit around after drinking tea or beer or whatever laughing about the problem and other things and then in the rare cases they might even be just the one who sticks around to help you paint and help you keep an eye on other possible leaks.
But not everyone knows someone like that. Yet the drip is still there... so then you must decide, bucket your drip, don't look up until the bubble bursts and falls on you drowning you or find a way to fix it yourself... Some argue, and rightly so, sometimes you can fix it yourself and sometimes you do need to go to others... but the thing is most times you can find a way to deal with the leaky roof.... to take care of the drip and thus be able to move on to the next mess...
another day another drip ;-)
Monday, November 21, 2005
LOOKING FOR ROAD TRIP PEOPLE
Alright - crap is just getting too much too me and the "I don't care and don't want to do anything and nothing matters" feeling is growing too much and consuming too much of my mind. Since I am not going to get to visit sisters and Arizona until March or April - and work is stressing me out, got some feelings and issues to try and sort out along with a myriad of other things are piling up leading to the great gray blahs - I have decided road trip is in order. And to help me focus on something else I am starting to seriously plan.
I just would like to actually have someone or someones along just to make it more fun, a little safer and more adventurous (and maybe even cheaper - lol). But seriously, I'm going anyway so motels, gas, admission stuff like that is ON ME - I just need one of my friends available either the week between Christmas and New Year or the week after New Year's.
Destination: I picked the Memphis area
I went to Nashville for a conference in the summer and managed to go and visit Graceland - there was so much I wanted to see in Memphis area that I know I wanted to go back. Plus it is only about a 17 hour drive and I am hoping it will not be snow - that is the only down side - I do not do snow - another reason to con someone into going with... I need a driving buddy in case it snows...
SO - please, people's I know, anyone who has a few days and would like to see Memphis - I am even willing to see whatever - I like it all (although the music is best reason to go).
I am a great traveling person, and it is a road trip so willing to maybes even pick you up, meet half way - whatever.... and like I said - it is a cheap trip so come on, ping me, email me or whatever - of course if not - I'll prolly be bugging you - lol
On a side note - was playing with Google Earth and Google Moon - those are cool programs and I can use them in my classes and the in-joke with google moon is funny.
I just would like to actually have someone or someones along just to make it more fun, a little safer and more adventurous (and maybe even cheaper - lol). But seriously, I'm going anyway so motels, gas, admission stuff like that is ON ME - I just need one of my friends available either the week between Christmas and New Year or the week after New Year's.
Destination: I picked the Memphis area
I went to Nashville for a conference in the summer and managed to go and visit Graceland - there was so much I wanted to see in Memphis area that I know I wanted to go back. Plus it is only about a 17 hour drive and I am hoping it will not be snow - that is the only down side - I do not do snow - another reason to con someone into going with... I need a driving buddy in case it snows...
SO - please, people's I know, anyone who has a few days and would like to see Memphis - I am even willing to see whatever - I like it all (although the music is best reason to go).
I am a great traveling person, and it is a road trip so willing to maybes even pick you up, meet half way - whatever.... and like I said - it is a cheap trip so come on, ping me, email me or whatever - of course if not - I'll prolly be bugging you - lol
On a side note - was playing with Google Earth and Google Moon - those are cool programs and I can use them in my classes and the in-joke with google moon is funny.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Tiring day, long wek, trying to keep butt outta depressed mode
Mind to Bind class was GREAT - we are teaching/discussing Writing environmens and told writers need. We first showed pictures of different environments and had them reflect on what was good/bad. We had them go to two more environments today. One was the Natural Marine Sciences career class - that is a great class as he has fish tanks and all sorts of things and he let us come in so he is lecturing and the students are distracted by the fish tanks and ponds and it was cold and very smelly and it was great.
Then we took them outside and they were cold because most did not think to bring jackets - and there was no place to write so they were making student chains writing on each other's backs and stuff, plus they had to write 3 sentences before going back in - it was great. They really liked comparing - Monday we will have them design their ideal place.
But teaching that, and then I had back to back to back to back teachers coming in every period for training and each period was different - I am wiped and still have doctor's appointment and so much to do.
Add in just bummed and depressed about a number of things and thinking about some stuff and some people way too much - well long day.
I think I will try for a little road trip at least during the winter break - maybe plan it around like house of blues and concerts or something - if I could find someone to come with that would be extra cool!!!!!
Then we took them outside and they were cold because most did not think to bring jackets - and there was no place to write so they were making student chains writing on each other's backs and stuff, plus they had to write 3 sentences before going back in - it was great. They really liked comparing - Monday we will have them design their ideal place.
But teaching that, and then I had back to back to back to back teachers coming in every period for training and each period was different - I am wiped and still have doctor's appointment and so much to do.
Add in just bummed and depressed about a number of things and thinking about some stuff and some people way too much - well long day.
I think I will try for a little road trip at least during the winter break - maybe plan it around like house of blues and concerts or something - if I could find someone to come with that would be extra cool!!!!!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
a poem/song/something
More What Ifs
A song by J. Stratton
What do you do if someone tells you they wanna see you?
What do you do if they tell you they want one last fling?
What do you do if they tell you just one last fling before they die?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
What do you do if someone tells you that they want to be good to you?
What do you do if they want to be good as it is the last memory they are making?
What do you do if they are going away and need one last moment?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Do you act flattered they want you even when that thought does not exist?
Do you go ahead and be their escape?
Do you tell them how you really feel who you think of and that it'll never be them?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Do you go into it knowing they will die?
Do you turn yourself off inside to be that moment?
Do you care if they'll escape and you'll be chained to that moment?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
What if you told them the truth?
What if you let them know someone else is all you think about?
What if they still asked?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Would you risk losing your dream?
Would you risk losing a possible chance with her someday just to help a lost soul?
Would you only say yes to use this lost soul to go to her, to tell her your dream?
Is free will really so free?
A song by J. Stratton
What do you do if someone tells you they wanna see you?
What do you do if they tell you they want one last fling?
What do you do if they tell you just one last fling before they die?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
What do you do if someone tells you that they want to be good to you?
What do you do if they want to be good as it is the last memory they are making?
What do you do if they are going away and need one last moment?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Do you act flattered they want you even when that thought does not exist?
Do you go ahead and be their escape?
Do you tell them how you really feel who you think of and that it'll never be them?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Do you go into it knowing they will die?
Do you turn yourself off inside to be that moment?
Do you care if they'll escape and you'll be chained to that moment?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
What if you told them the truth?
What if you let them know someone else is all you think about?
What if they still asked?
What ifs follow pathways, what ifs are the pathways
They drive us crazy, circling the truth
They take us places, dragging us kicking and screaming
What if I said yes
What if I said no
What if I stay
What if you go
Free will sucks, free will rocks, free will traps our hearts, minds, souls
Is free will really so free?
Would you risk losing your dream?
Would you risk losing a possible chance with her someday just to help a lost soul?
Would you only say yes to use this lost soul to go to her, to tell her your dream?
Is free will really so free?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Missing Ingredients?
You know the saying when life hands you lemons, make lemonade… well there's kinda something missing there that they never tell you in trying to be all cheery and looking at brightside – lemonade tastes pretty sour and still makes you make faces unless you add sugar and if life is handing you lemons it usually ain't giving out free sugar too…. So the lemonade principle is flawed
And I kinda feel that way about life right now – flawed and missing ingredients – I'm still cooking, getting along, got even some good parts – like started the Mind to Bind theme for the year today that I have been working on and that got accepted and recognized as a good program and I will be presenting at a major conference in May about it –and it is a fun unit –
And hey a certain 5 year old always makes me crack up - like telling this 17 year old boy who was teasing her and asked if he was still her boyfriend and she says nope you out go to the back of the line (I am told by my ex those were her exact words)
So yes positive column has entries - but November is always a long month and it seems to be on track for not breaking with tradition this year :( major hugs to everyone out there
So, lots of other things swirling and that keeps me down in-between the good ingredients
And thank you Kathy for listening to me about what I should do – I know you keep thunking me in head and maybe I'll take a chance… but unless someone else thunks me (comes up and asks) I think I'll stay in the too scared and chicken to ask mode (or else in the oblivious mode) - and damn Kathy wasn't that road trip idea cool – but problem is I don’t think I can find a traveling companion to go on the adventure with me – man I really wanna get out and explore a little… that always cheers me up – alright people I need to find those interested in venturing out ;-D
So I am still looking for those ingredients – I just gotta find the right market so to speak
Until then, I throw together what I have and hobble along wishing for other things but surviving on what I have. I'll make lemonade – just wish it was a bit sweeter :)
And I kinda feel that way about life right now – flawed and missing ingredients – I'm still cooking, getting along, got even some good parts – like started the Mind to Bind theme for the year today that I have been working on and that got accepted and recognized as a good program and I will be presenting at a major conference in May about it –and it is a fun unit –
And hey a certain 5 year old always makes me crack up - like telling this 17 year old boy who was teasing her and asked if he was still her boyfriend and she says nope you out go to the back of the line (I am told by my ex those were her exact words)
So yes positive column has entries - but November is always a long month and it seems to be on track for not breaking with tradition this year :( major hugs to everyone out there
So, lots of other things swirling and that keeps me down in-between the good ingredients
And thank you Kathy for listening to me about what I should do – I know you keep thunking me in head and maybe I'll take a chance… but unless someone else thunks me (comes up and asks) I think I'll stay in the too scared and chicken to ask mode (or else in the oblivious mode) - and damn Kathy wasn't that road trip idea cool – but problem is I don’t think I can find a traveling companion to go on the adventure with me – man I really wanna get out and explore a little… that always cheers me up – alright people I need to find those interested in venturing out ;-D
So I am still looking for those ingredients – I just gotta find the right market so to speak
Until then, I throw together what I have and hobble along wishing for other things but surviving on what I have. I'll make lemonade – just wish it was a bit sweeter :)
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Cyndi Lauper rocks the house oh yeah
OH man, oh fucking awesome man... Oh man, did I say fucking awesome? Yes my mood is hyper, chipper and energized at least for the moment. I went to a Cyndi Lauper concert at the Taj Casino tonight. It was a live TV taping for VH1 Decades Rock specials – this one was a tribute to Cyndi.
It was cool cause she had a neat set and had guests to sing with her – so not just her but others and damn and oh man and yeah it was good. I was an idiot up and dancing the whole time but who cares.
I had pretty good seats and only had obstructed views a few times. And again I was on my feet and the thing lasted just about three hours but man I had fun.
So the stage was cool with this neat ramp all the way around – which Cyndi and others used the whole time. In fact she was ALL over and into the crowd and on chairs and oh it was so fucking awesome.
Alright… so the Hooters opened and man I like there songs. Then Cyndi came out and she did a couple of songs and brought out Shaggy. He was great and it was cool hearing some of Cyndi's songs with a reggae/rap flavor. She did this great song she wrote with Beck -Above the Clouds.
OK that song was one of two I did not dance, I did not sit, I just stood there frozen. I know pretty stupid but it… I really almost cried… I know, it was weird I just... it made me feel lonely yet also good... so even though it is the type of song you wanna have someone there to slip your hand into their hand just to feel contact... you also could walk away alone too...
I will find someone someday to share experiences like this with... that song proved that to me... of course I need to stop thinking about a couple of people who I know would never be interested in me and look for people who would - but eh, wishing someone would see you as you see them is like a Above the Clouds... so I'll keep thinking and looking and walking
Anyway so the other people singing with Cyndi included Scott Weiland of Velvet Revolver, Pat Monahan of Train, Ani DiFranco, Shaggy and The Hooters.
It was so awesome hearing other people singing her songs because they put a different spin on them, plus to hear Cyndi singing their songs. They did an awesome version of Ani's 32 flavors complete with four violins and a full band yet the two women sang, Ani played her guitar. Before that they did a cover of one of Cyndi's songs with Cyndi playing the guitar.
Scott and Cyndi rocked out hard time to Money changes everything.
In between the songs and while working on setting up things Cyndi kept adding comments that just were so funny. I need to find out why talking about trombones is an inside joke for her - lol
And okay an acoustic version of She Bop rocked and thinking about the concert and all man I need to She Bop – hehe (especially since I have no one to Bop me – but again I'll find someone, until then – She bop, I bop... :oP
Ok so will go to one of her concerts again – only I need to find someone to go with cause as she sang in an awesome duet with Shaggy making a rap version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – I wanna find a girl to have fun with! Or anyone to drag to concerts... come on – poke me in the back and say hey let's go listen to music – yayayayayay music - lol
There’s a place where the sun breaks through
And the wind bites cold and hard
Stings my ears and
Tears my eyes
When the day starts to shout out loud
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
When the light is against your face
And your smile is soft and sound
That’s when you tell me all your fears
and all your dreams
So proud
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
I try and tell you
to keep your head upright
Don’t swing your sword and shield against the night
Don’t block your blessings, boy
You don’t have to fight
You don't have to fight
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
It was cool cause she had a neat set and had guests to sing with her – so not just her but others and damn and oh man and yeah it was good. I was an idiot up and dancing the whole time but who cares.
I had pretty good seats and only had obstructed views a few times. And again I was on my feet and the thing lasted just about three hours but man I had fun.
So the stage was cool with this neat ramp all the way around – which Cyndi and others used the whole time. In fact she was ALL over and into the crowd and on chairs and oh it was so fucking awesome.
Alright… so the Hooters opened and man I like there songs. Then Cyndi came out and she did a couple of songs and brought out Shaggy. He was great and it was cool hearing some of Cyndi's songs with a reggae/rap flavor. She did this great song she wrote with Beck -Above the Clouds.
OK that song was one of two I did not dance, I did not sit, I just stood there frozen. I know pretty stupid but it… I really almost cried… I know, it was weird I just... it made me feel lonely yet also good... so even though it is the type of song you wanna have someone there to slip your hand into their hand just to feel contact... you also could walk away alone too...
I will find someone someday to share experiences like this with... that song proved that to me... of course I need to stop thinking about a couple of people who I know would never be interested in me and look for people who would - but eh, wishing someone would see you as you see them is like a Above the Clouds... so I'll keep thinking and looking and walking
Anyway so the other people singing with Cyndi included Scott Weiland of Velvet Revolver, Pat Monahan of Train, Ani DiFranco, Shaggy and The Hooters.
It was so awesome hearing other people singing her songs because they put a different spin on them, plus to hear Cyndi singing their songs. They did an awesome version of Ani's 32 flavors complete with four violins and a full band yet the two women sang, Ani played her guitar. Before that they did a cover of one of Cyndi's songs with Cyndi playing the guitar.
Scott and Cyndi rocked out hard time to Money changes everything.
In between the songs and while working on setting up things Cyndi kept adding comments that just were so funny. I need to find out why talking about trombones is an inside joke for her - lol
And okay an acoustic version of She Bop rocked and thinking about the concert and all man I need to She Bop – hehe (especially since I have no one to Bop me – but again I'll find someone, until then – She bop, I bop... :oP
Ok so will go to one of her concerts again – only I need to find someone to go with cause as she sang in an awesome duet with Shaggy making a rap version of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – I wanna find a girl to have fun with! Or anyone to drag to concerts... come on – poke me in the back and say hey let's go listen to music – yayayayayay music - lol
There’s a place where the sun breaks through
And the wind bites cold and hard
Stings my ears and
Tears my eyes
When the day starts to shout out loud
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
When the light is against your face
And your smile is soft and sound
That’s when you tell me all your fears
and all your dreams
So proud
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
I try and tell you
to keep your head upright
Don’t swing your sword and shield against the night
Don’t block your blessings, boy
You don’t have to fight
You don't have to fight
Stand tall
And glide
When you’re all alone in the crowd
Don’t fall
Don’t hide
When you walk above the clouds
When you walk above the clouds
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
An Image to set mood and other bits and pieces
Whew - busy today
looks like we may be keeping this one program - but it was never done correctly here so I am working to get things rolling to really try and make it work (major cheerleading and doing the social thing and going into areas I do not feel comfortable with - who wants to step up and volunteer to be my bitch buddy? lol - someone I can go to when I am about to puke or geeting worried or overworked or upset and they can give me a smack in the butt and say - hey look at all the good - hang in there - so any takers ;-)
Looks like I am going to Chicago to the Reading Conference - April 30 - May 4 - I am presenting this cool project we are doing Mind to Bind - following the written word from the author to the publisher. The conference is huge and I have never been to Chicago and only been to Illinois once before (got to visit Lincoln's birthplace during a Coal conference - haha yes when I was doing my Geology work I went to a Coal conference because I had to focus on coal geology for part of my work
god how life changes and winds you around on different roads - coal geology conference to reading conference - man o man - what a ride
I agreed to teach a class for a friend tonight - I am teaching people how to create functions in Excel. I may try and stop and get a movie - I really wanna see Saving Face and a couple others - something funny or action oriented I think - need to get my spirits from the crapper where they currently are... yes definite need cheery things... need to laugh and make other people laugh
Here's the image - yes I posted it before - eh I like it
looks like we may be keeping this one program - but it was never done correctly here so I am working to get things rolling to really try and make it work (major cheerleading and doing the social thing and going into areas I do not feel comfortable with - who wants to step up and volunteer to be my bitch buddy? lol - someone I can go to when I am about to puke or geeting worried or overworked or upset and they can give me a smack in the butt and say - hey look at all the good - hang in there - so any takers ;-)
Looks like I am going to Chicago to the Reading Conference - April 30 - May 4 - I am presenting this cool project we are doing Mind to Bind - following the written word from the author to the publisher. The conference is huge and I have never been to Chicago and only been to Illinois once before (got to visit Lincoln's birthplace during a Coal conference - haha yes when I was doing my Geology work I went to a Coal conference because I had to focus on coal geology for part of my work
god how life changes and winds you around on different roads - coal geology conference to reading conference - man o man - what a ride
I agreed to teach a class for a friend tonight - I am teaching people how to create functions in Excel. I may try and stop and get a movie - I really wanna see Saving Face and a couple others - something funny or action oriented I think - need to get my spirits from the crapper where they currently are... yes definite need cheery things... need to laugh and make other people laugh
Here's the image - yes I posted it before - eh I like it
Earworm alert -Sometimes things just get stuck - lol
Okay so Ma Ya Hi F. Lucas Prata song still firmly in my head and no idea why. I need to find someone to be a Picasso for (as refered to in the song). It is such a funny song - I mean buying pants to match color of love - damn I like that line and it is funny - plus been in dance mood and it is a bouncy song... ok back to listening to the beat and dancing when no one is looking - lol - hmmm let me find the lyrics so you can see how messed up my brain is that this song is actually stuck and pleasing my brain - hahahahaha
PS - regarding the title - anyone remember from an earlier blog of mine what an earworm is - well in reference to this blog post? You get bonus points if you actually know, read my blog other times and special bonus if you actually read my earlier blogs and remember what i said - HAHAHAHa :P
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Hello, Salute, it’s me, you're a Duke
And I made something that’s real
To show you how I feel
Hello, Hello, it’s me, Picasso
I will paint my words of love
With your name on every wall
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
I sold my strings, my songs, and dreams
And I bought some paints to match the colors of my love
Hello, Hello, it’s me again, Picasso
I will spray my words of my love
With your name on every wall
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
PS - regarding the title - anyone remember from an earlier blog of mine what an earworm is - well in reference to this blog post? You get bonus points if you actually know, read my blog other times and special bonus if you actually read my earlier blogs and remember what i said - HAHAHAHa :P
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Hello, Salute, it’s me, you're a Duke
And I made something that’s real
To show you how I feel
Hello, Hello, it’s me, Picasso
I will paint my words of love
With your name on every wall
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
I sold my strings, my songs, and dreams
And I bought some paints to match the colors of my love
Hello, Hello, it’s me again, Picasso
I will spray my words of my love
With your name on every wall
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
Ma-Ya-Hi
Ma-Ya-Hu
Ma-Ya-Ho
Ma-Ya-Ha Ha
When you leave my colours fade to grey
ooh ah ooh ah ey, ooh ah ooh ah ooh ah ey
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey little lover stay
or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it everyday
Monday, November 07, 2005
You Know, November Just stinks
Same ole song just a different day :-D
Yes I do not like November. It is not the month per se but that shit always happens in this time of the year and no matter how hard I try to stay chipper, reminders pop up that pull me down. So I end up like an idiotic feeling off, crappy, blue, crying about stuff that gets me down or sitting on the couch staring at nothing and thinking about everything
My mom died on Thanksgiving
I got told I could not earn my PhD and should be happy I was "allowed" to get my Masters
Divorce will be final reminding me how alone I really am
I lost one of my best friends (considering I had just three and lost two (ok I admit more than best friend I was in love with her – you know I have loved two people and hey they both went away and left me – sigh and I really do not have that many friends as it is)
And there are other things that have occurred in this month
All lead to making it very easy to pull up the chair to the pity party table. Which of course something happened to day to get me thinking and whirling and to prompt the mood I am in currently and thus employing to set the tone of this blog – yeah I'm rambling about being depressed, blech and blook and all that arrrrggggg
I do have good things and I do laugh in between
I have a job (albeit I am working a little too much and doing too many things)
I do still have my bestest, closest friend – my sister Kathy (although she is wayyyy out in AZ and I am wayyyyyy out in NJ)
And yes I have my other two sisters two (when they are not doing things to make me consider again the advantages to be an only child)
I have shelter, food, concert ticket fun for the future
T is always around
I get to post and write sometimes if people are around
I like doing the silliest shit and being goofy and dorky and immature and doing things others would not do or consider stupid
I like making people laugh and that in turn makes me feel good when I make someone else feel good – yes I get self gratification off of other people's happiness
So there is good… I just wish I didn’t feel the emptiness of the house sometimes – or going out to have fun note all the couples and groups
I'll be okay laters – I'll figure out a way to make myself laugh… just is nice sometimes if you have someone else around to take a turn at making you laugh.
Plus I would stop bugging Kathy so much (my sister begs all you available people out there to consider going to a concert with me or something so I am not pestering her so much – lol – you are awesome KATHY – You rock :-D
Okay – going to go work on work stuff (have virtual class to check into and do assignments, gotta grade labs and tests, check in on some curriculum and not think about future as boss reviewed the future plans of the school as it is being remodeled and a lot added and our current room and center were not on the plan :-/ if I am in depressed mood – well shit there goes that – if in chipper mood – hey I will be getting a new office and new work duties – lol
Alright I wanna do a road trip or something and of course concert/music is always a good thing – anyone wanna join in the fun?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Howdy from Miami
Well I am here in hurricane recovering Miami for the NAF conference – I am finding the conference so far to be good but lots of questions from the teachers and if we do this lots of work for me to do… I am already designing brochures and forms and typing up emails and all sorts of things. I want this program to go through if it helps the teachers and students but I it also means more work for me :-/
I find this idea of business model vs education model to be hard sometimes. They talk about going out and talking to businesses and people and being outgoing – that is not me. If it were not for a deal I made with someone promising to try and be a little sociable and outgoing and have fun and not stress and work through being out of my element and feeling out of place I would be hiding in my room…. And you who tricked me into the deal – drat on you and thanks a lot for making me make a deal :-D I am sticking to my part are you sticking to yours??????
I like the ideas and curriculum and my job overall – I just am not aggressive, not assertive, hard for me to make a decision and tell others what to do… I feel more at home having others lead the way and letting me watch – I am a watcher and I listen to people….
Man Miami got hot my the hurricane I can only imagine what it is like really for these people and New Orleans and stuff – some people still have no power and had to boil water and so many trees and roofs and signs still as we drove in torn up and laying around and such… wow makes me lucky I am up in NJ although NJ still could get hit – has before.
Whew – attended a late session so while the others got done at 5 and are touring Miami – I stayed until 7 and now working on projects – ah well – I have no one to keep me distracted so might as well work – I gotta find someone to distract me - lol
I find this idea of business model vs education model to be hard sometimes. They talk about going out and talking to businesses and people and being outgoing – that is not me. If it were not for a deal I made with someone promising to try and be a little sociable and outgoing and have fun and not stress and work through being out of my element and feeling out of place I would be hiding in my room…. And you who tricked me into the deal – drat on you and thanks a lot for making me make a deal :-D I am sticking to my part are you sticking to yours??????
I like the ideas and curriculum and my job overall – I just am not aggressive, not assertive, hard for me to make a decision and tell others what to do… I feel more at home having others lead the way and letting me watch – I am a watcher and I listen to people….
Man Miami got hot my the hurricane I can only imagine what it is like really for these people and New Orleans and stuff – some people still have no power and had to boil water and so many trees and roofs and signs still as we drove in torn up and laying around and such… wow makes me lucky I am up in NJ although NJ still could get hit – has before.
Whew – attended a late session so while the others got done at 5 and are touring Miami – I stayed until 7 and now working on projects – ah well – I have no one to keep me distracted so might as well work – I gotta find someone to distract me - lol
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