Funky mood and not sure why

Been trying to keep my self occupied and out of trouble. Actually moving a few projects along so some progress - still lots to do and this need to focus comes at a time when motivation is a foreign word more and more in my vocabulary and a strange concept.

And not sure why that is.

I think feelings in songs like Da Buzz - Do You Want Me and DJ Quicksilver Pres. Base Unique - Always On My Mind and Aurora - Dreaming have something to do with my feeling overall (meaning thinking of those things which leads to the oh man this is a bummer mood broken record - just skip this part peoples who actually read my stuff - I'll get to the other non blech stuff in a few - lol)

Also feeling a little more... hard to explain but just not caring as much about what I perceive as the way I come across so not as worried about watching what I say and do... lol - this happens to most people after becoming intoxicated... hmmm someone help me if I do get drunk anytime soon if I am already psyche wise half way there - lmao

That last thing actually is a good thing kinda - I mean it is a scary thing (very scary and frightening and hard to explain but terrifies me to let that control go, something I do not do often, will stop doing if I get too nervous...) for me because I have a very low self esteem and all that and have a hard time accepting a lot of things and being forward and taking chances (example being - can we say someone's name here) and going for things or at least being comfortable being truly me around people.

But I am also kinda coming to a place that says well here I am, here is world, here is the dance I wanna do, so dance with me world and oh well if sometimes I have a partner or such dancing with me and sometimes I am doing the two step for one.... but coming to that place is not fun because while not bad, it makes me say drat there are certain things out there that could make me happier, but hey I could be so much worse off, so eh... I keep searching for those happy things knowing I am not too bad off as I try to get there...

Been reading random blogs looking at glimpses of others' worlds. I knew someone in Arizona growing up that use to go to yard sales mainly to look for diaries. They loved buying journals, diaries, and would then go and read them - this was before the advent of electronic mediums like computers... people have always had fascination with what I call "Is the grass greener on the other side and is there even grass there?"

A radio station last year found a diary on the Atlantic City boardwalk (supposedly sometimes I still wonder if it was a hoax - never really checked into it) but they would read an entry everyday and man if that did not put their ratings through the roof.

Everyone was interested in this mystery person's life.

Usually only famous people had a chance of their personal scribbles being read but with blogs and a changing society and culture making more people open, now regular ole people like me can put thoughts out there and even find thoughts.

There are search engines that search specifically blogs and journals and in fact I was able to trace a couple of times people came to my blog because they searched for something and my blog came up. I have had people from all over the world at least peek at my blog (Most Blog sites such as this one have a random click button, a feature I use a lot here lately, well you click from random blog to random blog. It is interesting).

Course this means if you ever get a stalker... they can track oh so much more of your life...

I even have bookmarked a few blogs I found and I find I periodically visit them. And I love it when people I know blog and keep a journal so I am always checking those when someone sends me links to let me know they have one. It is yet another element to a friendship.

People actually have always been, um, blog-crazed, if you will. ALL people to some level possess some blog-craze. See people are curious and nosy as all shit. Why are soap operas so popular? Serial shows and soap operas are nothing more than fictional blogs - people - hehe. They are diaries of people put up on the screen. Come on read some blogs that ramble on then watch soaps that ramble on - lmao

Soap operas and serials - the first electronic type of blogs.

And of course like I said diaries and accounts of historical events (called primary sources in History - hehe education puts a fancy title on BLOGS and DIARIES) have been published for centuries - people are inquisitive, a trait that is the best thing in the world and the worst (along with love - yeah both those the best thing and worst thing in the world and human makeup) - anyhoo

But finding mood very unmotivated so reading a lot and trying to do work and you know not motivated for a lot else.... which is spooky, a few times even music and writing and a couple of the other deep activities that pop me out... eh didn't wanna do them - ended up doing the channel flip and that's weird because it has been a long time since I did that a lot - but even movie watching - I am like blech

I walked into Blockbuster the other day and serious went around the whole store and walked out with nothing (well snagged the free popcorn - yes popcorn and braces bad - you know what? fuck it I don't care I want some popcorn so I sucked the damn kernels trying not to chew and get the hulls caught in my braces - oh well)

But yeah I am curious about the world of blogs - if I ever decide to go back to school for my PhD that would be a cool Doctorate topic - blogs - select some aspect of the world of blogs and research it in depth..... hmmm that could be interesting just to write and see if others have done studies... The other topic I love is searching the World Wide Web - always got into that a lot too - I really should have stuck with my first choice in college - I was in Media Sciences - I wanted to be a perpetual student or a librarian....

Well - off to finish a couple more projects and then do my walk on the boardwalk and who knows from there - I'll figure it out along the way, I always manage to :^)

Aurora - Dreaming
(Verse 1)

So you see right through me
am I really here
if I told You something
would you even care
would you even dare

So I expected this circumstance
I'm unconnected
I couldn't take A chance

(Chorus)

On another day
would it be this way
I asked myself

if I was dreaming
you'd see me
I'd be understood
but I'm just drowning
going under
wishing you say we could

but if you just walk on by
I'm only dreaming
I'm only dreaming

(Verse 2)

when I just don't wanna
lose the moment
leave the conversation
hanging in the air
oh, tell me do you care
I can walk on water
I just don't look down
I've got no intention
of turning around

(Repeat Chorus)

(Verse 3)

And what keeps on pulling me
is something I did not see
I'm falling so suddenly
and I ask myself
and I ask myself