Have you ever sat in a darkened room, the low bar lights and dance floor strobes the only light you see?
Have you ever found your focus drawn, like a moth to flame, one sole quest, one small hope…
That her eyes will catch yours.
You spend the night, forsaking the crowd.
You spend the night, ignoring the show.
You spend the night, sitting there alone.
The people swirl and the action happens but none of that holds your gaze.
Perhaps a brief interlude takes you there, a flicker of a glance pulls you here.
But you let your normal go, you bide your time, even as your mind always come back daring to hope…
That her eyes will catch yours.
You find tonight the flame you follow burns not with the crowd, not with the show,
But with a wish you know will never happen…
That her eyes will catch yours.
You watch the way she moves and acts, when she smiles content, when she frowns in concentration.
You map the way the world moves around her and the way she commands the world
You study details, drinking them in knowing the true purpose of your actions tonight
You will substitute her for another connecting to another unfulfilled hope.
You watch as the crowd is drawn to the others on stage, the other shows playing round you, but for you all that you can think of…
Will her eyes ever catch yours?
Word games are touchy things to play
Words twist and turn and bind
A comma here, did you mean can or may
Meanings hanging in an unfeeling space
Interpretations left to the soul and mind
As online, those typed letters set the pace
And you hope and dare that the combination you hit
That the twists you make, the turns you create
Are the ones that if that day ever comes
When you dare say what you feel, your true trait
If you let your fingers type those words
If you drop the play and double meanings
So the hopes that always echo in the wilds of your mind are freed
Maybe she'll say yes
Maybe she'll agree for once to take the trip you offer
And then you will finally be able to sigh
And raise your head high
As her eyes can finally meet yours
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Somebody Save me from the Silliness
Enjoyed the music/band last night - working through some projects and halfway through Lois and Clark first season
Working on some stories and stuff - man I wish I could mix music, travel, writing and technology into some awesome job (throw in that special someone who likes to share those things and damn I am set for life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus was treated (is it a treat? lol) to some twisted trivia (thanksssssssss Cindy so much - hehe) I posted mine below - as I told her - I really need to get out i think - someone save me from silly activities such as this, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :-P
Working on some stories and stuff - man I wish I could mix music, travel, writing and technology into some awesome job (throw in that special someone who likes to share those things and damn I am set for life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Plus was treated (is it a treat? lol) to some twisted trivia (thanksssssssss Cindy so much - hehe) I posted mine below - as I told her - I really need to get out i think - someone save me from silly activities such as this, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :-P
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Julie!
- There is actually no danger in swimming right after you eat julie, though it may feel uncomfortable.
- It took julie 22 years to build the Taj Mahal.
- The average human spends about 30 days during their life in julie.
- Julie is the only bird that can swim but not fly!
- Julie can be very poisonous if injected intravenously.
- Julie is the world's smallest mammal!
- There are more than two hundred different kinds of julie.
- It can take julie several days to move just through one tree!
- Scientists have discovered that julie can smell the presence of autism in children!
- More than one million stray dogs and half a million stray cats live in julie.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
What Kind of Day is Today?
My sister (and best friend) knows when I get in a real bad place how to make me laugh - she sent this to me saying it would be our new code - is it an OSM Day ('oh shit' Mike) day or an HM day ('Heyyyyaaaa' Mike) - hehe
Today is more of the OSM day with a side of blue Sully but there are HM moments
Like two teachers coming in today for Powerpoint training and I could barely tell them how to do a simple thing as they kept going back and forth like an old married couple - some how we went from how to insert images in PowerPoint to discussing the finer points (if there are finer points) of body odor.
Then just as I am getting into the exciting world of changing bullet types we suddenly ended up in a discussion about (and how these topics were related I am still trying to work through myself - lmao) late nights, dogs vs. cats and fried sushi (and yes it took me unfortunately a few minutes to catch on to the joke regarding that last item and recognize the oxymoron - yes I have used Left-handed mops as well [insert huge sigh]).
Ah life
HM Day
OSM Day
bigger images can be found
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/docwho2000/heyyyyymikebig.jpg
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/docwho2000/ohshitmikebig.jpg
Today is more of the OSM day with a side of blue Sully but there are HM moments
Like two teachers coming in today for Powerpoint training and I could barely tell them how to do a simple thing as they kept going back and forth like an old married couple - some how we went from how to insert images in PowerPoint to discussing the finer points (if there are finer points) of body odor.
Then just as I am getting into the exciting world of changing bullet types we suddenly ended up in a discussion about (and how these topics were related I am still trying to work through myself - lmao) late nights, dogs vs. cats and fried sushi (and yes it took me unfortunately a few minutes to catch on to the joke regarding that last item and recognize the oxymoron - yes I have used Left-handed mops as well [insert huge sigh]).
Ah life
HM Day
OSM Day
bigger images can be found
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/docwho2000/heyyyyymikebig.jpg
http://mywebpages.comcast.net/docwho2000/ohshitmikebig.jpg
Monday, January 23, 2006
where the heck did the weekend go?
Well another weekend gone and I have a longer to do list than when i started but ah well - onto the busy week but I did find out some things this weekend
I like Rachel McAdams - she kicked butt in Redeye, a nice flick with a cool chick - lol (she was good in Family Stone too - something about her hair is just nice - ok everyone has things they like to look at - that happens to be one of mine, hair, who needs a pretty face when you got a great head of hair :-P haha)
I like Broad Banned - a cover band I checked out at a local casino club - plan on catchng them again this week - the drummer was good and she sang some too - hope she sings more next time (and she had good hair too ;-)
I like the Natural Academy of Sciences in Philly - may use that as one of the field trips for my geology class - I also am trying to find a good fossil site for them - maybe the place the first dino fossil was found
I like my yellow smiley face nerf squeezie stress ball - I have been giving it a good workout and will continue until things settle - a lot of squeezing but in lieu of other stree relief outlets I use what I can :-D
I like taking my long walk on the Atlantic City boardwalk - there is always so much to see and watch and I like listening to my CD special mix songs as I walk
I like posting and writing and trying new tech stuff (like getting an idea for using a program or tech skill in a new way and then spending wayyyyy too much time trying to be creative and learn how to do something different) -need to do more of that (the tech, writing, posting and being creative)
I like doing something not expected and different (even if it is just me although having someone as silly and dorky along would be fun too) - I will continue to do all sorts of things just to explore life. Like I think i will go to the Philadelphia car show when it comes in a couple of weeks - just something different.
I like grapefruit juice, seltzer water, citrus vodka and blue pucker (or other fruity addition)- almost as much as I like fresh brewed ice tea with lemon (my favorite drink - heavy on the lemon light on the tea and never ever sugar and that fountain tea and bottled tea stuff - icky, yucky, blech :^)
I am so far liking Lois and Clark - only seen the first eppy of the first season but rented the whole first season and will work through that
I liked the movie Girls play - some cliche but it made me laugh and other things as watching (I leave the other things out as not taking this to NC-17 - hehe)
I like Rachel McAdams - she kicked butt in Redeye, a nice flick with a cool chick - lol (she was good in Family Stone too - something about her hair is just nice - ok everyone has things they like to look at - that happens to be one of mine, hair, who needs a pretty face when you got a great head of hair :-P haha)
I like Broad Banned - a cover band I checked out at a local casino club - plan on catchng them again this week - the drummer was good and she sang some too - hope she sings more next time (and she had good hair too ;-)
I like the Natural Academy of Sciences in Philly - may use that as one of the field trips for my geology class - I also am trying to find a good fossil site for them - maybe the place the first dino fossil was found
I like my yellow smiley face nerf squeezie stress ball - I have been giving it a good workout and will continue until things settle - a lot of squeezing but in lieu of other stree relief outlets I use what I can :-D
I like taking my long walk on the Atlantic City boardwalk - there is always so much to see and watch and I like listening to my CD special mix songs as I walk
I like posting and writing and trying new tech stuff (like getting an idea for using a program or tech skill in a new way and then spending wayyyyy too much time trying to be creative and learn how to do something different) -need to do more of that (the tech, writing, posting and being creative)
I like doing something not expected and different (even if it is just me although having someone as silly and dorky along would be fun too) - I will continue to do all sorts of things just to explore life. Like I think i will go to the Philadelphia car show when it comes in a couple of weeks - just something different.
I like grapefruit juice, seltzer water, citrus vodka and blue pucker (or other fruity addition)- almost as much as I like fresh brewed ice tea with lemon (my favorite drink - heavy on the lemon light on the tea and never ever sugar and that fountain tea and bottled tea stuff - icky, yucky, blech :^)
I am so far liking Lois and Clark - only seen the first eppy of the first season but rented the whole first season and will work through that
I liked the movie Girls play - some cliche but it made me laugh and other things as watching (I leave the other things out as not taking this to NC-17 - hehe)
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Whew work
Whew – things have been busy but busy means less time to get bogged down with thoughts and ideas and things that are just idle fantasy and never to be realized (I wish no time - but alas my brain and emotions do not seem to like to be quiet and still always rumbling over topics).
My co-worker left today – she's gone until the first of the month. This means I am pulling all of the training, incoming help needs of the staff, all of the tutoring issues that come up, and all other assorted fires that may appear in addition to my own work.
This means I may become a master at hiding – just kidding – actually a lot of the tech department has a rep for hiding and other diversion tactics and I do not want to be known for never being able to be found – just means I will be ultra busy.
My own work is hopping – I am the director of the NAF academies so planning events and meetings for that plus I was selected to be on focus group so more work there.
I have been asked to help write the curriculum and match standards for two new programs coming into our school – Masonry and Diesel Engine repair – yes yet two more topics to become experts on and match the state standards to program outcomes – pages and pages of that.
The staff is doing this tech challenge where they schedule a period, one a month, to work on some tech-oriented project. So I train a few teachers at least a day on any and every topic from web design and flash to Excel formulas to powerpoint to digital images to – my head is spinning.
My one college course started this week and the second one starts next week. I am teaching in class one night a week and online for the one class and I teach completely online for the other. I am always on the computer.
Then today got an email from my boss – this one is most concerning regarding my future and work and all. My co-worker and I know our boss is retiring soon – and since she really runs the school – that will mean change. She has been working to try and make sure we are taken care of and realistically we do so much that at least for a bit after she leaves we will be needed – but realistically my job is very tenuous. I am hired on a year to year basis and all they have to do is not renew my contract in July and I have no job…..
My job has no tenure protection. Well anyway so working with my boss to try and work on my future. The one thing she wanted me to get – a supervisor certificate, I can not. First I would need to take 16 Graduate college credits – which if I do means traveling a lot as the colleges are all two hours up North. Second I can not because you need to be teaching for three years – full time – in a certified area – that is the kicker. I have not taught full time – I always teach adults or part time.
So I have been working to get my certification in Internet and Computers and it looks like the paperwork went through and my certificate will be issued – BUT with catches. I do not have advanced standing which means I have to during the first year I teach, I have to take these education classes two nights a week –which means more time and money if I do this.
Wrapped into this is our high school is becoming part of this virtual high school. I went through the class and next September will teach a web design class, online, with up to 25 HS students. So this class takes two periods and then my boss tells me to add a period where I will oversee students at our school taking an online class (so I would monitor the lab and help not with content but the online class part).
This would mean three periods a day I would be teaching so this means half time – which is a bit of a rut because instead of teaching full time one year taking these night classes and then I have my official teacher certification in that area – I will have to do two years. So that is more time and delays things further and…………. And how am I supposed to teach three periods a day and still do all the work from my other job.
Of course if I do not do this then I may have no job, so I paint the word sucker and I do not say no on my forehead and keep plugging away. I do like the different things I do – just I hate what everyone does, not having job security and having to do a lot of work even if it is interesting. …. I get kinda scared and depressed about that topic. No wonder I can not find anyone, if I ever did, my work habits would scare them off
I also am teaching students two periods a day for this Mind to Bind project. It is that year long project where we look at different careers that publish some form of writing. We just started comic strips and comic books – that is fun but again a lot of work and I am teaching more of the classes as the other two teachers help.
I also have to start thinking about my presentation for Mind to Bind. I was invited to present on the project at a major conference in Chicago in May. That is cool but means getting a presentation together.
Also looks like I am traveling to Newark in March for a conference and not sure on what conferences for the summer. Maybe one or two (Detroit and Orlando are the possible places). And then there is Dragon Con in Atlanta in September – anyone interested in coming to that?
I do have some fun things planned plus will attempt to con people into doing things or at least get out myself to try and keep the stress down, the thoughts happy and on good topics not depressing ones and to not go into bad overload. I do get out whether I find someone who wants to do something (the rare case) or not (the more often case).
Soooooo anyone for or hanging out to catch a concert or do something, anything or hey what about Arizona, Vegas or one of the other conference destinations – I am silly enough I find anything fun, not just travel and music (some of my favs) Just say hey let's do this and I am there – hell I'll come to you, I figure out a way to have fun if someone interested – gotta keep my spirits up and much easier (and less work on my part) if I am not doing that alone – lol :-P
My co-worker left today – she's gone until the first of the month. This means I am pulling all of the training, incoming help needs of the staff, all of the tutoring issues that come up, and all other assorted fires that may appear in addition to my own work.
This means I may become a master at hiding – just kidding – actually a lot of the tech department has a rep for hiding and other diversion tactics and I do not want to be known for never being able to be found – just means I will be ultra busy.
My own work is hopping – I am the director of the NAF academies so planning events and meetings for that plus I was selected to be on focus group so more work there.
I have been asked to help write the curriculum and match standards for two new programs coming into our school – Masonry and Diesel Engine repair – yes yet two more topics to become experts on and match the state standards to program outcomes – pages and pages of that.
The staff is doing this tech challenge where they schedule a period, one a month, to work on some tech-oriented project. So I train a few teachers at least a day on any and every topic from web design and flash to Excel formulas to powerpoint to digital images to – my head is spinning.
My one college course started this week and the second one starts next week. I am teaching in class one night a week and online for the one class and I teach completely online for the other. I am always on the computer.
Then today got an email from my boss – this one is most concerning regarding my future and work and all. My co-worker and I know our boss is retiring soon – and since she really runs the school – that will mean change. She has been working to try and make sure we are taken care of and realistically we do so much that at least for a bit after she leaves we will be needed – but realistically my job is very tenuous. I am hired on a year to year basis and all they have to do is not renew my contract in July and I have no job…..
My job has no tenure protection. Well anyway so working with my boss to try and work on my future. The one thing she wanted me to get – a supervisor certificate, I can not. First I would need to take 16 Graduate college credits – which if I do means traveling a lot as the colleges are all two hours up North. Second I can not because you need to be teaching for three years – full time – in a certified area – that is the kicker. I have not taught full time – I always teach adults or part time.
So I have been working to get my certification in Internet and Computers and it looks like the paperwork went through and my certificate will be issued – BUT with catches. I do not have advanced standing which means I have to during the first year I teach, I have to take these education classes two nights a week –which means more time and money if I do this.
Wrapped into this is our high school is becoming part of this virtual high school. I went through the class and next September will teach a web design class, online, with up to 25 HS students. So this class takes two periods and then my boss tells me to add a period where I will oversee students at our school taking an online class (so I would monitor the lab and help not with content but the online class part).
This would mean three periods a day I would be teaching so this means half time – which is a bit of a rut because instead of teaching full time one year taking these night classes and then I have my official teacher certification in that area – I will have to do two years. So that is more time and delays things further and…………. And how am I supposed to teach three periods a day and still do all the work from my other job.
Of course if I do not do this then I may have no job, so I paint the word sucker and I do not say no on my forehead and keep plugging away. I do like the different things I do – just I hate what everyone does, not having job security and having to do a lot of work even if it is interesting. …. I get kinda scared and depressed about that topic. No wonder I can not find anyone, if I ever did, my work habits would scare them off
I also am teaching students two periods a day for this Mind to Bind project. It is that year long project where we look at different careers that publish some form of writing. We just started comic strips and comic books – that is fun but again a lot of work and I am teaching more of the classes as the other two teachers help.
I also have to start thinking about my presentation for Mind to Bind. I was invited to present on the project at a major conference in Chicago in May. That is cool but means getting a presentation together.
Also looks like I am traveling to Newark in March for a conference and not sure on what conferences for the summer. Maybe one or two (Detroit and Orlando are the possible places). And then there is Dragon Con in Atlanta in September – anyone interested in coming to that?
I do have some fun things planned plus will attempt to con people into doing things or at least get out myself to try and keep the stress down, the thoughts happy and on good topics not depressing ones and to not go into bad overload. I do get out whether I find someone who wants to do something (the rare case) or not (the more often case).
Soooooo anyone for or hanging out to catch a concert or do something, anything or hey what about Arizona, Vegas or one of the other conference destinations – I am silly enough I find anything fun, not just travel and music (some of my favs) Just say hey let's do this and I am there – hell I'll come to you, I figure out a way to have fun if someone interested – gotta keep my spirits up and much easier (and less work on my part) if I am not doing that alone – lol :-P
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Memphis trip pictures
Memphis trip pictures are up - link on my web site or try this direct link - http://mywebpages.comcast.net/docwho2000/small/index.htm
Friday, January 13, 2006
Been a very long week
Why does everything hit at once so many times as you go through life? How come just when you think you are not too bad, self doubts and other thoughts begin to creep in around the edges and then life sends things your way to accentuate, exaggerate and pull out even more of these not so great thoughts and moods? Too much happened this week to even know where to begin, so trying to push them under the rug and this song keeps going through my head - the first line especially catches a thought I keep hitting - I really am lucky in so many things, but... BTW, LOVE the video for it as well, one of my favorite videos reminding me that all walks of like think what the song says, experiences these same self doubts and feelings.... yeah I'm spoiled and want more - oh well, on to tomorrow : )
Stacie Orrico
More To Life
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more
(Than wanting more)
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
CHORUS
I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...
CHORUS - repeat twice
More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life
Stacie Orrico
More To Life
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go
CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more
(Than wanting more)
I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing
CHORUS
I'm wanting more
I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...
CHORUS - repeat twice
More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Music and Memphis
Obviously both start with the letter M and both belong together. I did a lot of music stuff during my trip. I went to the Stax recording studio and museum. Wow the history there. I learned a lot and liked listening to the music as I walked around.
I hit the Smithsonian Rock and soul museum. That was a nice retrospective of Memphis and some of the music influence. They actually had a good piece on the roots of Memphis music and a look at a sharecroppers life and so on.
Did the Gibson Guitar factory tour. OKAY that was awesome we walked right in - the factory was not operational on Saturday (my birthday - yes that is what I wanted to do for my B-day). But to just see the sweat, glue and guts that begin the journey of sounds I love so much - ok yes I am silly and got choked up. I got sawdust on my shoe and have not washed it off yet - lol. I so admire people in the music industry and here is another area to admire craftman and craftwomanship.
I visited a cool venue called the New Daisy Theater. I saw So She Sang, The Crashing Falcons, Remembrance of her and a fourth band I shall recall in a moment. They were hardcore/screamo but having just seen The Family Stone movie and gotten depressed - it fit. Plus my Birthday was the next day so what better way to spend it then live music. If I had not been solo or having to drive I might have even thrown in a few drinks - eh next time perhaps... anyone wanting to sign up for the Music Memphis tour???
Just let me know and I am there in a moment.
Also had a great floor show at the concert watching this guy even older than me scam on four young teen girls (all wearing these funky matching pink shirts). Can we be more obvious??
I have a pic of the venue which was cool (I have lots of pics and once they are loaded to my website I will post link) - it was broken into sections with these metal blue bars which meant lots of leaning surface. The stage was at a good height and it was not too packed so it was was easy to see. The first two bands I think the average age of audience was prolly 16. But as the night wore on I started seeing a shift to college and older. Also there was a basketball game down town and as that got out things started filling.
The club is at the end of Beale street which is a whole street of music history. I need to go back to Memphis - did not get to Sun Studio and a few other places. Plus I'd like to go back to the New Daisy and also there were a couple other clubs I would have tried like Hi-Tone and BackTracks. And every place almost on Beale street has blues bands. And no I did not get to B.B King's place.
Again I need to go just to spend the nights on Beale and sleeping the day
So much to do, so little time.
I hit the Smithsonian Rock and soul museum. That was a nice retrospective of Memphis and some of the music influence. They actually had a good piece on the roots of Memphis music and a look at a sharecroppers life and so on.
Did the Gibson Guitar factory tour. OKAY that was awesome we walked right in - the factory was not operational on Saturday (my birthday - yes that is what I wanted to do for my B-day). But to just see the sweat, glue and guts that begin the journey of sounds I love so much - ok yes I am silly and got choked up. I got sawdust on my shoe and have not washed it off yet - lol. I so admire people in the music industry and here is another area to admire craftman and craftwomanship.
I visited a cool venue called the New Daisy Theater. I saw So She Sang, The Crashing Falcons, Remembrance of her and a fourth band I shall recall in a moment. They were hardcore/screamo but having just seen The Family Stone movie and gotten depressed - it fit. Plus my Birthday was the next day so what better way to spend it then live music. If I had not been solo or having to drive I might have even thrown in a few drinks - eh next time perhaps... anyone wanting to sign up for the Music Memphis tour???
Just let me know and I am there in a moment.
Also had a great floor show at the concert watching this guy even older than me scam on four young teen girls (all wearing these funky matching pink shirts). Can we be more obvious??
I have a pic of the venue which was cool (I have lots of pics and once they are loaded to my website I will post link) - it was broken into sections with these metal blue bars which meant lots of leaning surface. The stage was at a good height and it was not too packed so it was was easy to see. The first two bands I think the average age of audience was prolly 16. But as the night wore on I started seeing a shift to college and older. Also there was a basketball game down town and as that got out things started filling.
The club is at the end of Beale street which is a whole street of music history. I need to go back to Memphis - did not get to Sun Studio and a few other places. Plus I'd like to go back to the New Daisy and also there were a couple other clubs I would have tried like Hi-Tone and BackTracks. And every place almost on Beale street has blues bands. And no I did not get to B.B King's place.
Again I need to go just to spend the nights on Beale and sleeping the day
So much to do, so little time.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I survived the DMV - wheeeeee
Well getting settled back in from trip - spent a lot of time at the division of motor vehicles today. I was changing the address on my license finally, and getting new license pates, transferring and title and doing registration to finally put the car I had been driving the last few years in my name. I actually, finally, for the first time in my life… own a car.
Due to circumstances growing up (money and fact my mother was blind so could not drive anyways) I did not have a car growing up – then in grad school I lived in center city Philly and walked to the school so need for car there – then for the next stage the cars were in my ex's name so – this is the first time I ever owned a car – wow. It has like 163000 miles on it, is falling apart and I will be lucky if it sees the summer through – but damnit it is mine.
It kinda just really hits home how much has changed for me these last two years (a lot a lot has changed) and how things keep changing (which is good in a way – I like exploring and also when I get depressed about certain things or lack of certain things, I can remind myself – hey things keep changing – they'll change in that department too – I figured out one of the things that makes me happy is being able to make others happy – not in a smother or clogging or wait on hand and foot way – that is too much work – lol – but I just, I find I am happy when I know I am making others happy… )
To quote a couple of movies I like a lot (yes if you recall from earlier posting I watch dorky movies and like them a lot)
Romancing the Stone
Gloria: You are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
Joan: No, hopeful romantic. Hopeful.
And
Joe Vs. the Volcano
Patricia: Nobody knows anything, Joe. We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?
Due to circumstances growing up (money and fact my mother was blind so could not drive anyways) I did not have a car growing up – then in grad school I lived in center city Philly and walked to the school so need for car there – then for the next stage the cars were in my ex's name so – this is the first time I ever owned a car – wow. It has like 163000 miles on it, is falling apart and I will be lucky if it sees the summer through – but damnit it is mine.
It kinda just really hits home how much has changed for me these last two years (a lot a lot has changed) and how things keep changing (which is good in a way – I like exploring and also when I get depressed about certain things or lack of certain things, I can remind myself – hey things keep changing – they'll change in that department too – I figured out one of the things that makes me happy is being able to make others happy – not in a smother or clogging or wait on hand and foot way – that is too much work – lol – but I just, I find I am happy when I know I am making others happy… )
To quote a couple of movies I like a lot (yes if you recall from earlier posting I watch dorky movies and like them a lot)
Romancing the Stone
Gloria: You are now a WORLD-CLASS hopeless romantic.
Joan: No, hopeful romantic. Hopeful.
And
Joe Vs. the Volcano
Patricia: Nobody knows anything, Joe. We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?
Monday, January 09, 2006
Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig
Well 2200 plus a smidgen miles, five days, four nights, and 4 states – quite a little trip. Did I enjoy myself – most of the time oh yeah. Did I do a lot, see a lot, think a lot, explore a lot. Oh yeah. Did I find what I was looking for and the real reason behind this trip and inner journey to "look" around…. That story is tbc - to be continued – so not really, but I did at least spend the time working through something.. not finished, but them most of us are a work in progress and I just have to be patient and things will happen – right?
I have a bunch of trip stuff I wanna jot down – heck half of it is jotted down on museum brochures, ticket stubs, the back of my map printouts… anything I could find when a thought came up I wanted to keep around (for those who know me, thoughts often ramble through my mind at light speed – here today, gone yesterday is my ditzy, blonde slogan – lol
So more trip stuff and even a link to some pictures in the next day or so (yes if you so desire you can subject yourself to the torture that is my photography skill – hehe) – Tonight I am just taking in a deep breath as I am home and starting to work through some somethings that came up. Back to life and the daily routine.
I listened to music most of the time while driving. So if you figure 2000 + miles at anywhere from 30 miles to about 78 miles per hour… that's a bit of music… which was a cool thing about the trip – listening to the music and thinking and so on.
One song – lyrics below – posed some questions in the lyrics and I almost jumped as I think subconsciously these were some of the questions I set out to find. So part of that story tbc I think was just finding the questions. Then I startled myself with being able to answer some of them a little and also knowing, knowing for sure, I could not answer some of them… or else I am afraid to….
I know one thing I had hoped for on the trip, or would it be during the trip? Well actually would have happened before, then during, but I digress… was not addressed and won’t be – not until, as my sister keeps punching me in the arm and whacking the back of my head so I stop being stupid and listen, it won’t until I least expect it and find myself not looking for that – then it (well the who not it) will find me. Okay Kathy, I am trusting the talk we had in was that Tennessee or Virginia? Anyway – I'm going to still feel punky and all as you know I get kath, but I am trusting you (OMG, I am trusting one of my younger sisters – the world is coming to an end – j/k Kathy)
And if you wanna know which questions from the song and such I could answer and how I am answering them for now (I say that because I did realize I have changed a lot in the past two years – yes I went through the whole self inspection and where I've been, am, are going and that I think, nah, I know I am still exploring and growing into myself. So my answer is based on my perspective of myself and my world (yes my – I know that is egotistical and self centered my views are shaped from my standpoint – what I know and have experienced and dreamed or imagined or… well you get the drift.) Anyhoos I think IU rambled off-topic again – but um – if you wanna know – feel free to ask – I don’t think I'm going to talk about them here right now.
So I am back – a great time, lots of thinking, fun, contemplation, wistfulness and wishing, realization wishes are not coming true today, and moving on to tomorrow.
Have an awesome day/night/whatever y'all :-D
SWITCHFOOT
"This Is Your Life"
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose
I have a bunch of trip stuff I wanna jot down – heck half of it is jotted down on museum brochures, ticket stubs, the back of my map printouts… anything I could find when a thought came up I wanted to keep around (for those who know me, thoughts often ramble through my mind at light speed – here today, gone yesterday is my ditzy, blonde slogan – lol
So more trip stuff and even a link to some pictures in the next day or so (yes if you so desire you can subject yourself to the torture that is my photography skill – hehe) – Tonight I am just taking in a deep breath as I am home and starting to work through some somethings that came up. Back to life and the daily routine.
I listened to music most of the time while driving. So if you figure 2000 + miles at anywhere from 30 miles to about 78 miles per hour… that's a bit of music… which was a cool thing about the trip – listening to the music and thinking and so on.
One song – lyrics below – posed some questions in the lyrics and I almost jumped as I think subconsciously these were some of the questions I set out to find. So part of that story tbc I think was just finding the questions. Then I startled myself with being able to answer some of them a little and also knowing, knowing for sure, I could not answer some of them… or else I am afraid to….
I know one thing I had hoped for on the trip, or would it be during the trip? Well actually would have happened before, then during, but I digress… was not addressed and won’t be – not until, as my sister keeps punching me in the arm and whacking the back of my head so I stop being stupid and listen, it won’t until I least expect it and find myself not looking for that – then it (well the who not it) will find me. Okay Kathy, I am trusting the talk we had in was that Tennessee or Virginia? Anyway – I'm going to still feel punky and all as you know I get kath, but I am trusting you (OMG, I am trusting one of my younger sisters – the world is coming to an end – j/k Kathy)
And if you wanna know which questions from the song and such I could answer and how I am answering them for now (I say that because I did realize I have changed a lot in the past two years – yes I went through the whole self inspection and where I've been, am, are going and that I think, nah, I know I am still exploring and growing into myself. So my answer is based on my perspective of myself and my world (yes my – I know that is egotistical and self centered my views are shaped from my standpoint – what I know and have experienced and dreamed or imagined or… well you get the drift.) Anyhoos I think IU rambled off-topic again – but um – if you wanna know – feel free to ask – I don’t think I'm going to talk about them here right now.
So I am back – a great time, lots of thinking, fun, contemplation, wistfulness and wishing, realization wishes are not coming true today, and moving on to tomorrow.
Have an awesome day/night/whatever y'all :-D
SWITCHFOOT
"This Is Your Life"
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
yesterday is a promise that you've broken
don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes
this is your life and today is all you've got now
yeah, and today is all you'll ever have
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
yesterday is a kid in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
don't close your eyes
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life are you who you want to be
this is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose
and you had everything to lose
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I am in Tennessee
Well I am sitting in a COmfort Inn in, um, somewhere Tennessee (runs looks at phone) Kingston TN :)
Spent the day driving and thinking, thinking and driving. Listening to music and thinking. Stopping - trying not to think. Driving again, more music and more thinking - lol
Actually when I do a major road trip, especially if on my own, I tend to pee my way across the continent (crude but accurate). See I drink then must stop and empty bladder and of course when I stop I get another drink. Then as I am driving and thinking I am drinking (And I love tea which goes right through you)
So then I must stop again - if I took a picture of everywhwere I stopped, most of the pictures would include a toilet. Hmmm, perhaps I should write a book called Peeing across America - ok I think my brain is mush and stuck in crude mode. Although - that could be a gimmick - comparing restrooms in various places - I bet it has been done.
Hmmm I come on this trip to try and cheer myself up as well as think about certain things and maybe work through some things and so far I end up with the above idea - grrrreAat by the end of tomorrow's drive I should be in wonderful shape - give a holler my way it could be quite entertaining - hehe
I wanted to stop at the Frontier Culture Museum in Virginia but as I got there they were closing - major deeeennied - damnit I wanted to see people dressed up like in Bonanza and making butter and raising a barn and such - crap now I gotta wait until tomorrow to find dorky, silly I mean really cool and awesome stuff to do - lol
So overall good day, I'm pretty happy - wishing had someone to share the fun with but still having the fun - next time though I so gotta scam/con someone into coming with to help drive - hehe
Next stop - Memphis (ok next stop - rest stop or truck stop but final destination - Memphis - :-P
Some idle thoughts on my road trip
-- I LOVE, Love and major <3 Cruise control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome invention
-- a plus to going solo - you can crank the bass as much as you want. -- the Killers' CD and Madonna's CD are very good bass wise - I did not need to stretch - just turn up the bass and it shook the car so much I got a massage.
-- Another plus to going solo -I can stop at the freaky tourist traps and not get teased
-- A minus to going solo - no one to go with you to the freaky tourist traps that you can then blame and say they wanted to stop
-- A minus going solo - no one to talk to so I think a lot more
-- A plus - I think - easy driving and no traffic so lots of thinking - hehe
-- A minus - hearing that burrrrr noise along the Interstate that means someone went over the line and is driving on those bumpy ruts instead of staying on the road
-- A bigger minus - hearing that burrrr sound a lot and seeing it is big semis making the burrrr
Spent the day driving and thinking, thinking and driving. Listening to music and thinking. Stopping - trying not to think. Driving again, more music and more thinking - lol
Actually when I do a major road trip, especially if on my own, I tend to pee my way across the continent (crude but accurate). See I drink then must stop and empty bladder and of course when I stop I get another drink. Then as I am driving and thinking I am drinking (And I love tea which goes right through you)
So then I must stop again - if I took a picture of everywhwere I stopped, most of the pictures would include a toilet. Hmmm, perhaps I should write a book called Peeing across America - ok I think my brain is mush and stuck in crude mode. Although - that could be a gimmick - comparing restrooms in various places - I bet it has been done.
Hmmm I come on this trip to try and cheer myself up as well as think about certain things and maybe work through some things and so far I end up with the above idea - grrrreAat by the end of tomorrow's drive I should be in wonderful shape - give a holler my way it could be quite entertaining - hehe
I wanted to stop at the Frontier Culture Museum in Virginia but as I got there they were closing - major deeeennied - damnit I wanted to see people dressed up like in Bonanza and making butter and raising a barn and such - crap now I gotta wait until tomorrow to find dorky, silly I mean really cool and awesome stuff to do - lol
So overall good day, I'm pretty happy - wishing had someone to share the fun with but still having the fun - next time though I so gotta scam/con someone into coming with to help drive - hehe
Next stop - Memphis (ok next stop - rest stop or truck stop but final destination - Memphis - :-P
Some idle thoughts on my road trip
-- I LOVE, Love and major <3 Cruise control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome invention
-- a plus to going solo - you can crank the bass as much as you want. -- the Killers' CD and Madonna's CD are very good bass wise - I did not need to stretch - just turn up the bass and it shook the car so much I got a massage.
-- Another plus to going solo -I can stop at the freaky tourist traps and not get teased
-- A minus to going solo - no one to go with you to the freaky tourist traps that you can then blame and say they wanted to stop
-- A minus going solo - no one to talk to so I think a lot more
-- A plus - I think - easy driving and no traffic so lots of thinking - hehe
-- A minus - hearing that burrrrr noise along the Interstate that means someone went over the line and is driving on those bumpy ruts instead of staying on the road
-- A bigger minus - hearing that burrrr sound a lot and seeing it is big semis making the burrrr
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Gearing Up for a much needed Trip
Well getting things set for my trip. Looks like I settled on memphis at least for now - lol and going to start tomorrow morning - how early remains to be seen.
I got the rental car a little earlier today and now trying to finish burning my mix CDs. The rental car has a CD player - most awesome (my car does not, ah how deprived I am j/k). I also think the rental car people are certain I am nuts (of course I know that I am but I managed to convince yet more people on this planet of that as well).
The car has automatic controls (which again my car lacks). So I sat in teh rental car parking lot for like five minutes (gross exaggeration it was only four and a half minutes) but just pushing the button to make my seat go up and down, forward and backward. I may not even need my pillow.
Yes I sit on pillows to drive as my feet and the pedals need a little help in meeting. But there I am sitting in this rental pushing the buttons and playing with things. I am worse than a little kid. Actually I am a tactile person and love my sense of touch. I tend to touch things as I go along looking (as mentioned before I know store detectives follow me all over as I just like to fondle, um touch things - lol). So finally I drove away (I was also playing with the stereo - music is very very important) still messing with stuff. Prolly a good thing I am not going with anyone - I'd most likely embarrass them doing something silly.
yay travel fun!
I got the rental car a little earlier today and now trying to finish burning my mix CDs. The rental car has a CD player - most awesome (my car does not, ah how deprived I am j/k). I also think the rental car people are certain I am nuts (of course I know that I am but I managed to convince yet more people on this planet of that as well).
The car has automatic controls (which again my car lacks). So I sat in teh rental car parking lot for like five minutes (gross exaggeration it was only four and a half minutes) but just pushing the button to make my seat go up and down, forward and backward. I may not even need my pillow.
Yes I sit on pillows to drive as my feet and the pedals need a little help in meeting. But there I am sitting in this rental pushing the buttons and playing with things. I am worse than a little kid. Actually I am a tactile person and love my sense of touch. I tend to touch things as I go along looking (as mentioned before I know store detectives follow me all over as I just like to fondle, um touch things - lol). So finally I drove away (I was also playing with the stereo - music is very very important) still messing with stuff. Prolly a good thing I am not going with anyone - I'd most likely embarrass them doing something silly.
yay travel fun!
Monday, January 02, 2006
just some observations
It's 1:48 am - Technically Monday morning although it still seems like Sunday, January 2, 2006. I sit here at the computer, a quilt wrapped around my shoulders as I am a little cold and I alternate between staring at the computer, trying to find something on the Internet and thinking thoughts I should not think. Wanting things I can not have. Wondering if those two actions, thinking about something, well someone, and having what I am thinking about will ever cross.
Right now I'd bet on probably not ever or for a real long time. I read the stories about people coming together, finding someone, how even a time like 11 months is a long time to be alone and here officially it will be two years in March. And unofficially I think I have been alone for a lot longer.
Funny, I have not written like this in awhile. Not in bite-size sentences with distinct beginning and ends. Not felt surprising honest yet not morosely depressed as I write about this particular subject. This is me cataloguing a moment, not waxing poetic over a state of being (well not too much).
I think sometimes everyone, or at least I know I, needs to take a moment to catalogue. Just note where they are and what they are doing. Rarely do they know who they are or why they are doing, this is cataloguing, not philosophy.
I have not turned on any music or TV or any other stimulus save the computer since I got up earlier. That is a telling statement if you know me, but again this is just a description. Well with a bit of personality injected. Even in this mode I can not excise that habit of mine completely.
I need to actually work on a few things but not motivated to do anything. I am just sitting here somewhere between bored and wishing for something to do. Well again if I am being honest and descriptive, wishing I had someone to talk to or do the activity with. I can think of a number of things actually I could, need and even want to do. I just don’t feel like doing them alone. And no that is not, again, a deep state of depression attached to that last statement. That can come another time. It is simply the truth and why I am typing this as I work to finish my low carb Mike's Lemonade instead of doing something else.
The something else ranges from putting away laundry, going to do the dishes sitting in the sink of soapy water I filled early, trying to finish putting together the box of Christmas presents for my sisters. Yes I am a tad late with that, but again the motivation has been…. Well it has been coming in infrequent spurts. I could go and type up some workshops for my main job or check my email. I put away all the Christmas stuff earlier and even exercised some today, so no need to do those activities.
I really should plan my trip for next, well technically this, week. I guess that activity is actually contributing to my lack of motivation. I am looking forward to the trip even as part of me is not enthused as it, well the trip and the thoughts coming up associated with the trip, highlights a number of things about me and where I am and what I am right now in my life.
I am alone. I mean I have people around here and there. I do occasionally interact with these people. I have three sisters and their families who are many miles away and who do not call me or I them as much as I probably should. I do have my ex (for better or worse) and daughter (she, my one sister and one other person actually are the main reason I laugh these days). I have work colleagues, although I will not see them for almost two weeks. I do not socialize really at all outside of work with any of them. Again not going into the good or bad of that, simply an observation.
And I have the people I chat with and post/write with on the Internet (the writing, chatting and social interaction keep me sane and provide a lot of motivation for me, especially the last few long and rough years as I have gone through a lot of changes both in me and my environment as well as changes in how I think, act and approach the world. Thank you, you know who you are, thank you).
So here I am sitting, listening to the silence, finishing my drink and trying to motivate myself. Writing this has helped some, really. I find writing fills a lot of the void, a void I do wish was filled talking or being or doing something with someone. But, it is not all bad. I have things around me and I am able to make it through to the next day. Even if I make it through the next day in a lackluster mood or keeping my eyes out for something to do or someone to say hi to.
That's actually a good way to approach life, eyes open and looking, hoping and trying to stay motivated, even if I feel alone. Someday, someday I'll be drinking a Mike's with someone. And writing about wishing I could go take a break – lol – ah a laugh. I knew I could pry one from my mind/lips, took awhile but I did. So I'll stop writing for now. I think I'll go read something, check the weather, I want to look up a couple of museums in the area I am going to. There are also a couple of cool places to stop along the way. Yeah, maybe I'll go take a look or maybe I'll just sit and finish my Mike's... eh...
Right now I'd bet on probably not ever or for a real long time. I read the stories about people coming together, finding someone, how even a time like 11 months is a long time to be alone and here officially it will be two years in March. And unofficially I think I have been alone for a lot longer.
Funny, I have not written like this in awhile. Not in bite-size sentences with distinct beginning and ends. Not felt surprising honest yet not morosely depressed as I write about this particular subject. This is me cataloguing a moment, not waxing poetic over a state of being (well not too much).
I think sometimes everyone, or at least I know I, needs to take a moment to catalogue. Just note where they are and what they are doing. Rarely do they know who they are or why they are doing, this is cataloguing, not philosophy.
I have not turned on any music or TV or any other stimulus save the computer since I got up earlier. That is a telling statement if you know me, but again this is just a description. Well with a bit of personality injected. Even in this mode I can not excise that habit of mine completely.
I need to actually work on a few things but not motivated to do anything. I am just sitting here somewhere between bored and wishing for something to do. Well again if I am being honest and descriptive, wishing I had someone to talk to or do the activity with. I can think of a number of things actually I could, need and even want to do. I just don’t feel like doing them alone. And no that is not, again, a deep state of depression attached to that last statement. That can come another time. It is simply the truth and why I am typing this as I work to finish my low carb Mike's Lemonade instead of doing something else.
The something else ranges from putting away laundry, going to do the dishes sitting in the sink of soapy water I filled early, trying to finish putting together the box of Christmas presents for my sisters. Yes I am a tad late with that, but again the motivation has been…. Well it has been coming in infrequent spurts. I could go and type up some workshops for my main job or check my email. I put away all the Christmas stuff earlier and even exercised some today, so no need to do those activities.
I really should plan my trip for next, well technically this, week. I guess that activity is actually contributing to my lack of motivation. I am looking forward to the trip even as part of me is not enthused as it, well the trip and the thoughts coming up associated with the trip, highlights a number of things about me and where I am and what I am right now in my life.
I am alone. I mean I have people around here and there. I do occasionally interact with these people. I have three sisters and their families who are many miles away and who do not call me or I them as much as I probably should. I do have my ex (for better or worse) and daughter (she, my one sister and one other person actually are the main reason I laugh these days). I have work colleagues, although I will not see them for almost two weeks. I do not socialize really at all outside of work with any of them. Again not going into the good or bad of that, simply an observation.
And I have the people I chat with and post/write with on the Internet (the writing, chatting and social interaction keep me sane and provide a lot of motivation for me, especially the last few long and rough years as I have gone through a lot of changes both in me and my environment as well as changes in how I think, act and approach the world. Thank you, you know who you are, thank you).
So here I am sitting, listening to the silence, finishing my drink and trying to motivate myself. Writing this has helped some, really. I find writing fills a lot of the void, a void I do wish was filled talking or being or doing something with someone. But, it is not all bad. I have things around me and I am able to make it through to the next day. Even if I make it through the next day in a lackluster mood or keeping my eyes out for something to do or someone to say hi to.
That's actually a good way to approach life, eyes open and looking, hoping and trying to stay motivated, even if I feel alone. Someday, someday I'll be drinking a Mike's with someone. And writing about wishing I could go take a break – lol – ah a laugh. I knew I could pry one from my mind/lips, took awhile but I did. So I'll stop writing for now. I think I'll go read something, check the weather, I want to look up a couple of museums in the area I am going to. There are also a couple of cool places to stop along the way. Yeah, maybe I'll go take a look or maybe I'll just sit and finish my Mike's... eh...
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